Well where to start!
After surgery...boy oh boy was that a couple of crazy months de mi vida!
Painkillers = AWFUL!
Needed lots of meds for pain and nausea and Xanax and others for mental sanity! Guess trying to go off the antidepressants was not the best of ideas!
I think this is why my stomach and head began to tweek as I call it!
I threw up EVERYTHING!
Lost a lot of weight!
One week I lost over 10 pounds so they sent me to the hospital for 5 days doing test after test.
Nausea seemed under control so I went home!
3 days later I was back paying tribute to the porcelain gods.
Another 3 weeks of misery, crying, anger, and pure nausea followed so they re-admitted me!
More tests!
Swallow the scope..."maybe it's gastritis."
MRI's.
CT Scans.
Gall bladder and kidney tests.
Stomach digestion tests.
I was a human lab rat!
IT WAS AWFUL! Doing all of this while feeling like puking!
3 week stays in different hospitals and they finally found a kidney stone over 3 cm.
So off to surgery I went....again!
Wanna see it?
Out of all the Dr.'s, my urologist was by far the cutest and nicest!
His wife is an oncologist so I think he felt a little bad for all I had gone through.
That's why I got surgery the next morning ASAP!
Surgery was a success. They blew up the stone and I passed all of the pieces of it out!
It was still painful to pass but not as painful as a 3 cm stone would have been!
When I got admitted to the hospital that 3rd time the pain had been sooooooooooo bad! It was worse than having a baby!
People aren't kidding when they say kidney stones are the worst pain they've ever had.
Felt like someone was stabbing me in the back with a broken bottle.
Anthony had to leave work to come get me and the whole way I was throwing up about to punch someones face in!
After a week and a half of surgery and recovery and way too much Dilauded (extreme painkiller), I was finally sent home!
Crossing my fingers that this would be the end of all of the stomach pains and nausea I had been having for the last 3 months, I packed my things and let the nurse wheel me out to the car!
"Yeah! I am going HOME!"
My excitement ended as soon as I woke up the next morning!
It's not what I had expected to happen!
I was in withdrawal.
Dilauded for the last week and a half every 2 hours to nothing will do that to a person.
My mom and Anthony knew it was withdrawal!
The hospital was no help they said to just bring me back in and there was no way I was going back there!
Bawling.
Kicking.
Punching walls.
Staring into space.
Out of body experiences.
No emotion.
I even looked at my kids and felt nothing!
Dead.
I was dead.
I was dead and panicked all at the same time.
My brain wiring was not working right and I feared it would never work right again.
I felt like I was gonna be stuck in limbo forever!
I wanted it to end.
I wanted everyone to just leave me alone.
I was angry, sad, terrified.
I knew how people could do some of the awful things they do when they are not right in the head.
I had no expression.
Looking back it makes me heart bleed tears, "How can a mother think like this?"
"Am I an awful mom? Wife? Daughter?"
"Have I lost it? I mean really lost it?"
"Am I EVER going to be me again?"
"Do I need to be checked into a mental facility?"
"Am I going to die?"
Then my mom and Anthony came up with an idea.
"If you were having withdrawals from this opiate that is stronger than morphine, lets try and ease the withdrawls by giving you some other type of painkiller!"
So I took Xanax for my anxiety and Vicodin I had at home to see if it would help.
Thank heavens it did.
It helped me sleep.
It took the edge off.
And I slowly started coming out of the terrible withdrawals I was having.
My feelings slowly started to creep back but then guilt overwhelmed me.
How could I have felt that way...especially about my kids?
I was irate at the hospital for kicking me to the curb with nothing and not preparing me for what happened!
I was released on a Friday night so I had to wait till Monday to talk to any of my Dr.'s.
When I finally could call my oncologist Monday am she told me I was doing exactly what I should be doing.
I shouldn't of had to self diagnose and medicate to feel better!
So now I sit here, feeling closer to my old self, crying.
I am mourning the loss of who I was.
I will never be the same person.
An amazing old college roommate of mine sent this to me.
It took my breath away.
It made me realize that I do need to mourn this loss but that I have blossomed into an even better stronger person.
A man named Jeff wrote this.
I emailed him and thanked him for his words and got his permission to share it with you.
Here is how he puts it...
The Things I Wish I Was Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer
By: Jeff Tomczek
Your relationships are about to change. All of them. Some will get stronger. They will probably not be with the people you would expect. The people you want to handle this well might not be able to for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons will be selfish. Some of them will be entirely innocent and circumstantial. All of them will be forgivable because no one plans for cancer. Carrying bitterness or anger won't help your recovery. Fighting for anyone to stick with you won't cure you. Those who can, will.
You will be determined to have more energy than you do. You will convince yourself that you are thinking straight, are able to handle all of this and do not need anyone. You will run out fuel. Your body will change first and your mind will follow. You won't lose your mind, memories or sensibility. It will all come back. But, you will be different. You will never have the same sense of self. You should embrace this. Your old self was probably really great. Your transformed self will be even better. Give into what is happening and trust it.
You are going to feel fear. Even if you are normally stubborn, confident and seemingly invincible you will finally find yourself admitting that you are scared of something. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself. You'll need distractions. Music and sleep will probably be the ones you resort to most. Reading will become difficult. So will watching TV or movies, having conversations, writing and basically everything else. They call it "chemo brain" for a reason. You will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal. When you feel afraid let yourself lean on those around you. Cry. Be vulnerable. You are vulnerable. There will be time for strength, but never admitting weakness will cause anxiety to mount and your condition to worsen. Let it all out. Yell if you need to. Sing when you feel up to it. Sob uncontrollably. Apologize for your mood swings. Treatments and prescriptions will often be the cause of them. The people that love you will understand.
The people that love you will be just as scared as you are. Probably more. They will be worrying even when they are smiling. They will assume you are in more pain than you are. They will be thinking about you dying and preparing for life without you. They will go through a process that you will never understand just like they will never understand the process you are going through. Let them process. Forgive them when they don't understand. Exercise patience when you can. Know that those that were built for this will be there when you get to the other side and you will all be able to laugh together again. You'll cry together too. Then you'll get to a place where you will just live in the world again together and that is when you know that you have beaten this.
The sooner you recognize that you are mortal, the sooner you can create the mentality for survival. There is a chance you might not make it. Just like there is a chance that you will. Don't look at statistics. You are unique and what is happening inside you is unique. Your fight is yours alone and there are too many factors to compare yourself to others that have had your condition. No one will want you to think about death, but you won't have a choice. You will think about it from the moment you are given your diagnosis. Come to terms with it. Calmly accept it. Then, shift every thought you have into believing that you won't die. You are going to beat this. Your mental focus on that fact will be more powerful than any treatment you receive.
Your doctors and nurses will become your source of comfort. You will feel safe with them. If you do not feel safe with them you need to change your care provider immediately. There is no time to waste. This shouldn't be a game played on anyone's terms but yours. When you find the right caretakers you will know immediately. Do not let insurance, money or red tape prevent you from getting the treatment you deserve. This is your only shot. There is always a way. Find those hands that you trust your life in and willingly give it to them. They will quickly bring you a sense of calm. They will spend time answering your questions. There will be no stupid questions to them. They won't do anything besides make you feel like you are the most important life that exists. They will never make you feel like they don't have things in control. They will be honest and accessible at all times. They might even become your friends. You might celebrate with them over drinks months or years after they have cured you. They deserve your gratitude, respect and appreciation daily. If you get upset at them during treatment know that they'll forgive you. They get that you're going through something they can't imagine- but they understand better than anyone. They see it every day and they choose to be there because they want to make the worst experience of your life more tolerable.
You will need to find balance after treatment. Start by seeking balance during treatment. Eat well. Sleep well. Listen to your body. Explore meditation. Experiment with new forms of exercise that aren't so demanding. Embrace massage and other body therapies. Go to therapy. A therapist will be able to guide you through your journey in ways you could never fathom. Do not be too proud to speak to someone. You cannot afford to store up the intensity of the emotion that comes with fighting a life-threatening illness. Let it out for yourself. You will begin to hear your voice changing. That voice is who you are becoming in the face of mortality. Listen to that voice. It will be the purest, most authentic version of you that you have ever known. Bring that person into the world -- strengths and vulnerabilities and everything between. Be that person forever.
You will inspire others. It will feel weird. People you haven't spoken to since grade school will be in touch. Ex-girlfriends, former colleagues... even people you felt never wanted to talk to you again. The influx of interest in your seemingly fading life will be greater than any living moment you have ever experienced. That support is what will shift a fading life into a surviving one. Be grateful for every message. Be appreciative of each gift and each visit. There will be moments where all of this attention will make you feel lonelier than you have ever felt in your life. In a hospital room full of people with messages stuffing your inbox, voicemail and mailbox you will find yourself feeling completely alone. This is when you will realize that you could afford to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That only you walk this earth with 100% investment in you. Make the investment and use this as an opportunity to reexamine your self-worth. Love yourself more than ever and recognize how much love there is for you in the world. Then start sharing that love. You will come to see that even when you are the neediest person you know you can still be giving. Giving will make you feel better than taking.
When you get to the other side you won't believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again.
I was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 27. Now 28, I have been told I have no trace of the disease in my body.
Follow Jeff Tomczek on Twitter: www.twitter.com/C2Bseen
Amazing right?!?!?!
Nothing but the truth.
God sent truth and power and honesty into every word he wrote.
I love him and don't even know him.
From March until about 2 weeks ago has been terrible.
I say this not to complain...maybe a little...but to be honest and express how much anger I have from this cancer bullshit!
My social worker says that many people start emotionally draining during radiation.
Not that it's over but because physically radiation is much easier and now the focus becomes what you are thinking and how you are feeling over the physical battle.
Boy is she right!
I have been so damn strong through out this whole thing...well as strong as I possibly could be.
Now comes the mental breakdowns and constant why me's.
I have the sudden urge to need to let go and let God because I just can't do this on my own anymore.
I mean, I know God has been here listening to and answering my prayers, but now I know what it means to just lift up your hands and say take the wheel. Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood has all new meaning for me now! I just bought it and keep listening to it over and over crying!
Being a psych major I was prone to thinking, "I know what these professionals are gonna say and what I am supposed to do." But really I do actually need to talk to someone! Someone who knows how to ask the right questions. A support outside of those emotionally attatched. I know now I need help!
Anthony, trying to help and being the best hubby there is, called a bunch of my best friends and told them that I needed love and support right now and that he was scared for me.
I love that he reached out.
I love that he didn't know what to do so he called my besties.
They all called me and wanted to give me love!
Even though I couldn't talk about what was going on right away, I knew the second I wanted to, everyone would be there waiting and ready!
And my babies.
Where would I be without Micah and Mason?
The two best things in my world.
Now that I am not in the depths of with drawls, the depths of how much I love them and how I could never live without them is back full force.
THANK GOD!
I was sad the other day and Micah had the idea to sleep/ camp out on the patio.
I smiled instantly.
So we set up a "tent" for Micah Man and I slept on the patio furniture.
In the middle of the night at some point he crawled up next to me ditching the tent and snuggle-buggin with his mommy!
Those are the moments I cherish!
xo
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