I know I have been gone for a hot minute but things have been very hard the last couple months and finding the time to type have been really hard!
So here i am playing catch up. I journaled but just didn't type them. So lets start with some older entries and move to current day.
2-7-2012
(Day 7 after F.E.C. aka the big guns, aka the destroyer!)
Wow! Where to start?
I am slowly seeing a light at the end of the this hell week, and even this whole processs in general.
Tumor is shrinking....AMEN!
Cancer has not spread... Another AMEN!
Didn't toss my cookies today! Not once!
ATE SOME MASHED POTATOES!
Drank and kept down some H20!
Got out of bed and went to the mall and went Valentines Day Shopping for Anthony.
Got him some new sweet nike kicks and new board shorts.
And yup my Grandma Pat pushed ME around in a wheel chair.
I really should have gotten a picture!
That's how I roll.
I make my grandmother push me around! lol!
Somehow it just didn't feel right!
I am also making something for him with my crafty self!
52 Things i Love About You
Cheesey, yes, I know, but sometimes cheesey feeds my soul!
So damnit cheesey he gets!
On a deck of cards made into a book I wrote 52 reasons why I love him!
Here's what it looks like...
Here are a couple I edited out cuz I ran out of room.
*the way you snore when you're drunk
*your kitchen/work clogs
*doing two things at the same time...what? lol
*your sensor button when it comes to bad taste in jokes (nope not funny)
So I have renamed my chemo brain "Jessica on crack." (Even though that's never happened...the crack part. That would be a scary scene.)
I feel like I can not remember a single thing these days!
Even writing right now I forget what I was writing about and go off on random tangents.
It's awful!
I feel as though 100% of my brain cells are gone!
Graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. Bet my IQ has dropped A LOT!
Wonder if that has ever been tested!?
Does chemo really kill brian cells?
That's depressing.
I said to my mom the other day, "Mom, I feel like this is killing me!" And I truly meant it!
I feel weak not only physically but mentally too!
At times I feel like curling up inside but she said right back, "It is. It's killing the parts of you that need to be killed...the cancer!"
And again I see the light!
Thanks mom!
The Dr. can't even measure it anymore.
I mean....melted like an ice cream cone in Africa.
I can't find it. Anthony can't find it either!
Doc said she still felt a small amount but too small to measure!
That's pretty dang good considering I used to have a baseball size lump in my breast!
Go Chemo Go!
I watched a movie last night called 50/50.
My girl Nikki recommended that Anthony and I watch it together.
So hubby OnDemanded it around 10:30 pm and I made it through the whole movie.
I am usually out from Tylonel PM by 9 pm so that proves the movie was good!
It's about a guy who finds out he has spinal cancer and his journey.
It's a crazy, touchy subject and they did it real and comical at the same time.
You get a great sense of what a cancer patient goes through.
All the way from shaving your head to the social aspect of chemo and how they become like family!
Great flick.
So what else in the Hoff household?
I watched the sunrise today!
Deep thoughts by Jesica Carmen....
It was 5:38 a.m.
Couldn't sleep.
Took a step back out of my reality.
Tried to see my life from a whole new viewpoint.
Completely different.
Look at where I live!!!!!!!!!!
It's so....so beautiful!
Pink and purple sunrise.
Aqua blue swimming pool reflecting the palm trees swaying in the breeze.
Turtle doves singing good morning.
I take this for granted too often.
I wish I could look at life like that 100% of the time!
The search for constant enlightenment!
Then my brains swithced gears and started thinking about regrets.
Funny how even in all of that happiness, being human takes over and stressful thoughts can still find a way to sneak in a crack and get in.
I start thinking about what I regret in life.
Only one thing stood out....
I regret not loving more.
At times not loving myself for what I am, my life, and or those around me.
I am going to try to love more!
My braceletes that Anthony made me, "LIVE A LIFE YOU LOVE", will continue to remind me.
That's what life is all about!
Being happy....just loving!
So wanna talk about the huge elephant in the room that I feel like needs to be released and talked about.
Haven't held anything back yet and if I can give some advice to other cancer patients going through chemo that will help them I am not gonna just hold on to the info.
Marijuana....IT WORKS!
I can eat!!!!!!!!!
I get relief, for at least a bit, from the incompacitating naseau!
Nuff said!
So my anxious brain is always going a million miles a minute. But I came up with a good idea!
I would love to open a charity that can deal with my finances and insurance claims and issues!
People with cancer or families would be able to come to the organization with all bills and insurance sheets and we would have a program to organize, keep track of deductibles and bills and make sure they are ligit and correct, and compare insurance statments to what is being billed to you.
I need to do this for myself but have no energy or brain cells for that matter to organize it on my own!
A charity that did this for free would be amazing!!!!
Yesterday I went to my gyno annual appointment.
This was with Dr. Pezzulo-Burgs, who after seeing 2 other Dr.'s sent me to get my innitial biopsy.
I told her I wanted to thank her and hug her for finally being the one to send me to a specialist back in Sept.
So we hugged.
And I didn't hug lightly.
It was a TIGHT squeeze and a big thank you for possibly saving my life!
It felt great to let her know I am grateful for her. This is also a new thing in my life. Letting people know more often when I am thinking something positive about them. I used to just think it a lot and not say anything but spreading smiles has become a whole lot more important these days!
Last time Ant and I had date night we went out to eat. I wanted to rock my Uma Thruman Pulp Fiction rowdy black wig so I did! We got to the restuaraunt, belly up to the bar and get friendly with the bartender. Half way through dinner I had ANOTHER hot flash and whipped off the wig. It completely freaked out our bartender even though he never said anything I could tell by the 2500 looks he gave me! lol
"Did that dude just switch dates?"
My wig looks so real and that's not something you see everyday.
I hot couple eating and a chick whips off her hair. lol.
Maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious to me!
So my last chemo is coming up.
Yay!
Feb. 22nd!
Gotta go out in true Jessica Fashion so I am gonna bring the nurses something.
And I wanna dress up or something?
Have a dance party?
Bring a pinata?
Make crowns for all the ladies getting chemo that day?
Still brainstorming!
Hmmmmm
Facebook status the other day was "Going to be on Ellen! Within the year!!!"
It was supposed to be just a declaration!
A speaking something into being.
The law of attraction.
The Secret if you wish.
But tons of my friends thought I was serious!
Two close friends said they actually wrote Ellen about me and my blog.
"Hi Ellen if you're reading. Love you!!!!"
So it could possibly be in the works! Crazier things have happened!
I would promote my two books.
My blog book and my childrens book I wrote about a little monster who's mom gets cancer.
I would love to be an author. A published author!
So funny how life throws you curve balls and all of the curveballs I have been thrown have enriched my life and made it better!
Getting knocked-up with Micah was a curveball and one of the best things that's happened to me because now I have Anthony and Mason too!!
(MELT)
Cancer is a really big curveball but I found out I love to write!
Even if it's just for self-therapy and preserving memories....I LOVE IT!
So the packages keep rollin in!
My Uncle Kelly sent two HUGE boxes of breads, cookies, and amazingness!
My cuz sent my some nipple tassles! Anthony liked that package!
My friend Heather made a book for me! I cried!
I got a free scarf from a fellow combat in this battle. Thanks Dotty! xo
I feel the life in my life and am very present to how blessed I am! Thank you!
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