Holler at the Hoffs: Day 121 Chemo hits hard!

Day 121
1-24-2012

Boom...I'm baaaack! Wow that was a long silence! Sorry bout that!
21 days....
and boy it was a pretty good 21 days...except for the bad ones! lol
2012! Aren't people predicting the end of the world or some catastrophic event with aliens this year?
As I fight for my life I think...well if that's true at least I will go out looking and feeling fabulous.
By December 1 I will be 100% cancer free with some nice new Boca Boobs!!!!

So let's see, three weeks since I have written a word.
Obviously lots has happened!

I had a date with my hubby in Hotlanta for a company party.
They flew us up.
They got us a room.
Wine and dined us with lobster, lamb, oysters, caviar, shrimp, curry...you name it, it was there.
Soooo delish!
I cheated on my diet and so did my man!
So worth it!
We ate like a King and Queen.
The open bar was great but I wasn't feelin the cocktails!
Usually a fine wood dance floor, a dope DJ, free tequila shots and champagne lead to a ROWDY Jessica squeals a lot kinda night!
But chemo fatigue set in and we were in bed by midnight!
After these sweet photos were taken...
I mean really....PERFECTLY US!

Last time we had a short trip was to the craziness I call Chicago where we both tossed our cookies on the way home, so at least this time the turbulence was not the devil in disguise punishing me for abusing my body!
But it was some well needed "couple" time!
It was our first time leaving small fry overnight and all went perfect!

Two days later was 1/11/2012.
CHEMO DAY!
Dreading.
Anxious.
1st big guns session was no fun...
So needless to say I wasn't jumping up and down to go get plugged in at the chest for 5 hours!

But there was good news.
Doc felt up that right boob for the millionth time and she agreed with me that it has significantly reduced in size and is breaking up A LOT!
"Just two more sessions after today then surgery!" she said sounding cheerful.
"WHAT?!?! If it's working so good why can't I just have surgery after today's session?"
I wanted her to budge and say that I would be able to skip the last two but she didn't!
2 more I guess.
"The chemo is working so well we need to get as much cancer out of your body, the mass, and the muscles in your chest wall. It will make surgery and recovery much easier if they can avoid messin with that muscle!"
So I was left with no choice other than to be a good little patient and follow her recommendations.
More chemo!
Ickk.
Ishh.
Ughh.
Psst!
I could use some other four letter words but i will restrain myself....for now!

After my chat with the Doc I head over to the treatment room.
Pop that needle in my port in my chest and get er done!

Let me give you a quick description of a day in the life of HELL WEEK...

Wake up 4:00 am.
Nausea.
Can't sleep.
Go to the bathroom.
Nausea.
Pinterest. Ohhh look at this....

Cute peanut butter and jelly sushi.......

And another...

Soak gummi bears in vodka for 3-5 days and they soak up the alcohol. Serve at party!

And one more to add to my to-do list someday....can you tell I am addicted to pinterest.com.....

Melt crayons glued to the top of a canvas with a hair dryer! LOVE IT!
Facebook.
Nausea.
Go to the bathroom.take meds.
Now taking meds while nauseated is no easy feat.
Check out the 29 medications I am on now, that's including the chemo.

That's not all at once but perfectly timed throughout the day!
Here is the list....

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Jessica Hoff Current Medications
Perscription	Common Name	Strength	Dose
Granisetron	Kytril	1 mg	1 tablet every 12 hours as needed
Ondansetron	Zofran	8 mg	1 tablet every 8 hours as needed
Citalopram	Celexa	10 mg	1 tablet daily
Alprazolam	Xanax	.5 mg	1 tablet nightly as needed
Tramadol	Utram	50 mg	1 tablet every 6 hours as needed
Vitamin B-6		100 mg	1 tablet 3 times a day
Lactobacillus Rhamnosus GG	Probiotic Oral		1 tablet daily
Cetirizine	Zyrtec	10 mg	1 tablet daily
Acetaminophen	Tylenol	500 mg	2 tablets every 6 hours as needed
Omeprazole	Prilosec	20 mg	1 tablet daily
Prochlorperazine	Compazine	10 mg	1 tablet every 6 hours as needed
Lidocaine-Prilocaine	EMLA Cream		Apply topically as needed
Acetaminophen-Codeine	Tylenol 3	300 mg	1 tablet every 6 hours as needed
Calcium Carbonate	Vitamin D	600 mg	1 tablet 2 times daily
Acetaminophen PM	Tylenol PM	500 mg	2 tablets per night as needed
Metoclopramide	Reglan	10 mg	1 tablet as needed
Oxycodone / APAD	Percocet	5 mg - 325 mg	1 tablet every 4 hours as needed
Dexamethason	Decadren	4 mg	2 tablets per day 2nd and 3rd day of chemo
Claritin D		240 mg	1 tablet per day
Senna	Axative	8.6 mg	1 tablet as needed
Quease Ease	Herbs	520 mg	2-3 as needed
Gui Pi Wan	Herbs		4-5 as needed
Alieve		220 mg	1-2 tablet as needed
Sancuso		3.1 mg	7 Day Patch
Neulasta			Shot day after chemo
Taxo 1			1 per week 10/31/11 - 12/12/11
FEC	Florouracil		1 per 3 weeks 12/19/11 -
	Epirubicin
	Cytoxan

Oh back to my day.....
Then I lay on the bed, toss-n-turn, run to the bathroom to throw up, lay on the floor of the bathroom with penguin bootie flannel pj's cuz I am freezing (for now, I will have another hot flash in 5), lay in bed, toss-n-turn, go to the bathroom, try to sleep, stretch my toes, bang my head against the wall a couple of times, go to the bathroom for the 146th time, curl up into the fetal position for a minute, toss-n-turn, think, think, think, think, think, think, take off my clothes cuz this hot flash is ridics.
You could slip-n-slide off my shiny, slippery, bald tan, noggin!
Then I try to eat a cracker...nope.
Some water????????? nope.
Go to the bathroom!

THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not gonna lie.
Mad props to those people out there that have taken this thing called chemo into the ring.
I am going to feel like a bad ass and very grateful to be part of that bad-ass gang someday!

So the 1st hell week was about 5-6 days.
This one lasted 8-9 days.
Straight-jacket and a padded room was about 3 minutes away.
Had to go get fluids and meds twice at the hospital again this time because I couldn't even consume water let alone food.
I tried to change a diaper on day 7 so I could feel like a mom again but saw black spots and got so dizzy I had to sit down with my head between my knees.
Thank God Mason didn't fall off the changing table! Nice catch mom!

It's hard to let go.
You would think it would be easy. To be lazy and not care.
But it's not!
Let go of control.
Let go of parenting my boys, paying bills, needing a perfectly clean and organized house. Let go of worrying about what other people think of me.
Do Anthony and my mom think I complain too much?
Do I look weird with no hair, this wig, this scarf, no eyelashes or eyebrows?
Do you think it's bad that mason called my mom MaMa?
Do the nurses think I am whining just to get good drugs?
A little story: After talking to some survivors I had been told to get Ativan every time I get chemo. Helps you relax.
The 1st time they offered it and it helped, but they didn't offer the second time so I asked for it.
The nurse said, "Usually we give that to first time patients but if you want it I can order it."
As if I was adding to her to-do list.
"So do you think I would have asked you if I didn't want it!," I was thinking to myself!
Ugh, made me paranoid she thought I was hustlin for the goods.
But I still ask every time.
Drugs are there for a reason damn it and I am gonna try to be as comfy as I can possibly be there.

So as you can see, my mind is always running 8,000 mph.
Anxiety!

But in the midst of all this GLORY...=), there are still rays of sunshine in my storm that keep me going and smiling. Two little boys come to mind! I heart my kids so much!
Exhibit 1~
Micah, "Mommy. Mommy. My penis is long!!!" very surprised at something.
Mommy~Instinctively looked down, which was my first mistake, then realized he was...well...excited. "It's ok bud. That's normal sometimes!"
Micah, "Oh...ok!"
And goes right back playing with his fave Finn McMissile (Thing Miss Missel as Micah would say) and Lightning McQueen like that 30 second conversation was as normal as cheese is to macaroni.

HILAARIOUS!!!!!!!!! But so wrong at the same time.
Maybe I should have kept that one to myself! lol! He's really gonna hate me someday. Sorry Micah Man in advance! =)
Made me laugh till I cried and that's exactly what I needed!

Exhibit 2~ Mason's 12 months now. 1. ONE! Growing into a little blond surfer kid. And to make mommy smile, I think God intentionally made his new favorite word BUTT!
God has a great sense of humor!
"butt, butt, butt, butt, butt"
in between laughs and giggles. TOO CUTE!
He thinks he is one of the coolest kids on the block.

So not to jump from one thing to another "BUTT" =) My dreams have been really crazy too!
I remember everything!
Some common themes lately:
1. Chewing gum and it is stuck in my mouth and won't come out. (Definition from Dream Dictionary: experiencing powerlessness, find current problem overwhelming, and lack of understanding.)
2. Heavy legs and I can't run or walk away from something. (Dream def: lacking stability and ability to stand firm.)
3. School buses falling into water and me trying to get out alive. (Dream Def: about to venture on a life journey needed for personal growth.)
The DreamBook app for iPhones comes in handy at 3:23 am.

Jena came back again!!!!
She stayed almost a week.
Dinner a couple of nights and that was a huge deal!
The first night we went to Maggiano's and I hadn't left the house in over a week so I was stoked to be there!
"Society I have missed you!"
I even told my waiter he was lucky to have us as a table and made him give me an awkward high-five!
Awesome!
He probably thought I was high...well maybe I was! lol!
Either way it was a great date night with my sister from another mister.
I even got ID'd, told I looked like a teenager, and hit on!
To get hit on while in chemo is a big deal.
Don't get me wrong cuz I LOVE my hubby but it's good for the ego.
Just a compliment that is necessary to survive! lol!
Damn I look good in a wig!

Ok so to wrap it up I am feeling a million times better.
Taking the boys to parties, parks, and play dates.
Eating and drinking (even a couple Bellini's!)
Oh and a shout out to all my ladies in my mommy group for throwing garage sale #2 and raising the fam $1007 to go toward my deductible for the new year! Yay!
I AM BLESSED!
Thank you God for being so amazing!

So to switch it up a bit I thought it would be cool to get some outside perspective on my situation and try to listen to the other side of this crazy cancer coin I flipped!
I asked a few family members and close friends to share a bit about their perspective on my breast cancer.
I will be adding some now and more later sporadically!
It's a hard thing to ask of someone and my heart is filled with joy that they would share their inner thoughts!
Love you guys tons! And everyone in my amazing life!
I would be lost without you!
xo
Jessica Carmen

Holler at the Hoffs

Live A Life You Love!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Day 121 Chemo hits hard!

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