Day 89

Day 89

Friday Dec 23rd

Well this last week has been another of ups and downs.
My bone scan and chest and pelvic CT scan came back negative, free of cancer! Yay!
I do have a kidney stone that I didn't know about but that is fine by me!
I can deal with that!
Saturday Val, one of my best friends, flew in from Minnesota!!!!!
It's sooo good to be surrounded by friends and family!
I feel sooo blessed!
They take the time, money and effort to come be by my side and help me!
Val played Auntie very well to the boys!
A Christmas gift EVERY day, lots of playing Spiderman and good-guy-bad-guy, and many games of Chutes and Ladders!
I think she had enough babysitting for awhile! lol!
Saturday and Sunday were pretty good days.
Monday was the dreaded day of switching my chemo to FEC!
No more Taxol!
FEC...aka The Big Guns I like to call it...here I come!
HOLY CANOLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Val came with me.

It took all day 9-5 to see Doc then premeds then the three different chemos this "chemo cocktail" consists of!
She had to drive me home!
I guess Val and Anthony said I was functioning that night acting really tired but I completely blacked out! I don't remember hardly anything from the whole rest of the night!!! SCARY!
I guess I helped make dinner, was up walking around and talking, but no recollection of this what so ever!
Tues was another rough day!
Nausea, extreme fatigue, could barley get out of bed except to get dinner with the girls because Val was leaving the next day so I forced myself after lots of meds!
Wednesday I went back to the Breast Cancer Center where my Dr is and I get chemo for my shot of Denosumab (research drug) and Neulasta (the drug that helps my white blood count build up because the chemo kills a lot of them!)
As soon as I walk in they take one look at me and say that I look horrible and am gonna need fluids and meds through my IV!
I had not been able to eat or drink much at all and was very weak.
The Big Guns are kickin my ass!
So they plug me in give me more meds and fluids.
Val has to leave and I break down!
I am so sick and my best friend is leaving me!
My heart is breaking!
WHY?!
WHY do I have to deal with this SHIT!?!?!?!?!?!?
I am angry and sick and feeling sorry for myself! A BIG MESS!
The rest of that night I sleep!
Thursday I feel awful! No eating or drinking again.  Meds for nausea don't seem to be working!
Friday I had an appointment at the Center for acupuncture.
I am trying ANYTHING to help me!
I met with Amy the Acupuncture Dr. that works with breast cancer patients specifically.

http://sear-enity.com/Sear-Enity_Natural_Medicine/Welcome.html

So did a through investigation of what I am taking, how I am feeling and then got the Dr. to come in and talk to me! They said I have unusual not normal symptoms they were worried about!
Blacking out like I did Monday, I have been seeing spots and having very blurred vision and not eating or drinking!
Then I got a short acupuncture session then they decide I need more meds and fluids and an emergency Brain MRI!!!
What I may have cancer in my brain!?!?!?
FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought i had checked my entire body but I guess not my brain!
So after fluids and more meds, including Aloxi a strong anti-nasuea med that supposedly lasts 7 days, and acupuncture I head to a different hospital where they could squeeze me in that afternoon for the MRI!
LONG DAY! And I had to go by myself!
I am NEVER going by myself again!
I was so stressed and had no one to talk to or calm me down!
Note to self......hire a side kick! lol!
Finally got home around 6 after picking up yet another prescription.
This one was $60 for 8 pills!
That is all my insurance would cover!
I am suppose to take 1 every 12 hours!
And I got 8! Really?!?!? Thanks insurance company for working with me to help me feel better!
(NOTE MY SARCASM!)
If I wanted to fill the whole 30 day prescription the pharmacist said is was going to be $1200...not $120...$1200 mother trucking dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ridiculous!
But at least I have some to get me through this next holiday weekend!
It will help me have a merrier Christmas! I hope!!!!

Someone...I can't say who, shut the door at the Center and said..."Many patients have success with smoking marjuiana, I think you should try it...but you didn't hear it from me!"
I love my hospital! =)
So guess what I am gonna try....you guessed it! It's legal in many states for this reason so damn it if I am not gonna do something that can help me!


I got the results of the brain scan this evening and no cancer in my brain either!
Thank you God!
Prayers are being answered! Keep um coming!


My little bro comes tomorrow!
It's gonna be a great weekend!
Hoping for a better week next week!
Next chemo is not until Jan. 11th!
If its one bad week two good, I will be a happy camper!

Have a great holiday everyone!
xoxoxo
God bless!

Day 82

Day 82

Friday Dec. 16th 2011

Am I gonna die?    Yes!
Soon?  No way!
But I am so freaked out about it this week!
Monday Dr. felt my lump and said "Don't know if much has changed. Let's schedule an ultra-sound to measure the mass!"
So today at 11:30 my mom and I gallivanted once again the 45 min trip to Memorial Hospital to get my boob inspected!
Fears were confirmed!
Lump/mass/cancer/the beast is the same damn size is was 7 weeks ago?
WTH?
So now the "what if's" set back in full force!
What if I die?
Who would help my hubby?
Who would help raise the boys?
What if they won't remember me?
I wish these would just stop in my ever flowing little voice in my mind!
Crazy Jessica is back!
1:43am
Took Tylenol pm and NyQuil....nothing.
Feel my mind racing actually.
Anthony just gave me another Xanax before his snoring set in.
This insomnia stuff is for the birds.
Tried counting, breathing, praying, Facebooking, Pinteresting, laying on the tile floor (thanks Isthlem for the suggestion..helps with hot flashes! lol), writing, stretching, holding my breath, drinking Sleepytime tea...you name it!
Accept for wine...Maybe I should have a glass!
Nah to lazy!
so I just continue to write.
Word vomit on a page.
Pen rolling with my thoughts of randomness and well...not much sense!
Just need some kind of venting.
Some kind of remedy!
Some sort of peace of mental calming!

Wrapped some gifts tonight.
Think Micah loves Christmas this year!
Fun to watch him help wrap gifts and sit under the tree staring at them.
Wrapped little miracles in his eyes!
His mind full of anticipation, wonder and amazement!
The season full of fun stories, songs, and decorations!

We can't wait for Christmas!
K gonna try to sleep!
xo Night!

Day 75

Day 75

Friday Dec. 9th 2011

Decided to be part of a research study at Memorial Breast Cancer Center.
Dr. Perez is heading a study where participants with my type of cancer take a medicine already on the market for osteoporosis called Deosumab.
It has shown women who have taken this for osteoporosis and have cancer, the drug reduces the chance of the cancer spreading to the bones.
It is also approved for people with bone cancer to help control it!
So I opted to receive this shot and be apart of the study!
Because I am part of the study I will be followed very thoroughly for the next 10 years and receive free extra testing. Yay!
Today I had an extra CT scan and bone scan done.
I feel great about my decision to help research and hopefully benefit my own journey!
If I can help others and myself its a double win in my eyes!
The first 6 weeks I get a shot every 3 weeks then I get the shot every 3 months thereafter for 5 years!
I can drop out anytime!
The only known side effects are bone pain for a couple days after the shot and slight fatigue!
No bone cancer for this girl! =)

xoxo

Day 73

Day 73
Wednesday December 7th 2011

So the last week and a half has been full of livin some of the good life...
and maybe a little of the icky stuff too.

Last week Anthony, Micah, Mason and I went to visit Lola Lucy, Anthony's momma for 3 days! It was awesome!
We even made it to Disney's Magic Kingdom for a day thanks to an amazing friend Stacy that I graduated from high school with that works there now!
We met Mickey and Minnie, rode rides, watched the Christmas parade and saw the castle light up magically with dazzling lights at the end of the night!

It was definitely a "magical" day!
Spending time with family has become far more magical for me whether or not we are at Disney!
We have not been able to spend much time lately with Lucy so she has been very worried about me.
It breaks mine and Anthony's heart to hear her sad!
But spending time with her this week I think reassured her that I am ok!
I will be ok!
I am still me!
I still have my spunky spirit and smile!
This also came up when my mom's sister, my Aunt Kim and her family were able to fly and visit from Minnesota this past weekend!
Being detached from me and not really knowing what's going on on a day to day basis is a lot harder than being here in the thick of it with me!
My auntie gave me a tight squeeze before she left this morning and said, "I feel so much better now that I got to see you and spend some time with you."
I said, "I am still me. Right? I am still me!"
I think a lot of my friends and family define me as a cancer patient now.
This seems very natural and I would probably do the same but that's not how I feel!
I still don't feel like I am a cancer patient.
It's still surreal to me.
I don't act sick...most of the time!
I am rowdy and obnoxious,
loud and fun,
think I'm right and pretty damn funny too!
I am still me....most of the time!
I still even feel like I have a head full of hair and get shocked every time I walk by the mirror or see a pic of myself.
It's very strange.
Kind of out-of-body experience like!
An old friend. babysitter of mine even thought I shaved my head because I lost a bet! lol!
I must not be on her news feed!
She had no clue! HILARIOUS.....Love you Kim! ;)
But that just shows that I have a little crazy in me!
I'm still me!

My daddy-o has been having a tough time lately.
Here is an email I received from him last week....

Pumpkin: You are the most amazing person I have the pleasure to know on this planet. You inspire, encourage, and bring out the very best in people. I am truly blessed to have a daughter as awesome as you! God did me a huge miracle the day you were born!!!!!!!!! Love you, Dad

But then he calls and says he wishes he could do more and see me and squeeze me.
Makes me sad!
He's so far away and it is in that stage where even though we talk on the phone almost every single day, he hasn't been able to see me since I have been diagnosed.
He still thinks "cancer" when he thinks of me.
Not my "fun loving and loud-like-me" daughter.
I feel terrible that he is feeling so much guilt that he can't do anything or be here for me the way he thinks he should!
What he doesn't know is that he IS here for me!
He is staying strong and sober!
He is inspiring me and loving me!
He listens anytime I need him!
He is here for me exactly the way God means for him to be here!
He is exactly where he needs to be right now!
It's perfect just the way it is!
We need to concentrate on what we have and not what we don't!

When my aunt Debbie passed away past May of cancer it was very hard on my dad.
So on the anniversary of her passing I wrote my dad a song.
A few weeks ago he added a verse.
I have never seen this side of him!
Being creative with his words!
And I am very impressed...I was crying!
So thoughtful that my heart was happy and sad at the same time.
Here is the song.....


Daddy Don’t Cry


Jessica Hoff 5/6/2011 (Year Anniversary of Auntie Debbie’s Death)

When I was 6 years old
I fell out of a tree.
Wind knocked out you came a runnin
Straight over to me.
You held my hand and asked if I’s ok
I looked you in the eye,
Saw a tear roll down you cheek
And I said…


Daddy don’t cry
I’m gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout your lil girl
I’m gonna be alright!


Sixteen, the word divorce
Rang upon our ears
How can we just throw away
All these awesome family years?
My brother and I sit and listen
But there’s nothing much to tell
I wanna hold your hand
But I can’t stand
So I think inside my head…


Daddy don’t cry
We’re gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout this family
We’re gonna be alright!


29, my Auntie’s sick from cancer in her bed
My daddy’s hands pressed upon her face
Won’t leave her cool sick head.
A prayer, a plea, a need for peace
I see it in his eyes
As he falls to his knees
Begging please
I pray for him inside…


Daddy don’t cry
She’s gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout her beautiful soul
She’s gonna be alright.

Bridge-
Let go of the bottle daddy
Don’t cry into a drink
Life’s a blessing
Just stop stressing
We’re gonna be alright!


The bride to be at 28
About to walk me down the aisle.
You take my hands, we say a prayer,
Your blessing and a smile.
You say “He’s great, he loves you I can tell!”
You tuck my hair behind my ear and say
“You’re beautiful!”
As our tears of joy run down our face
I look at you and say…


Daddy don’t cry
I’m gonna be alright
Don’t worry bout your lil girl
I love him with all my might!


Your grandson blinks his eyes at you
The awe the love the power anew
I see you want the best for him
In this crazy crazy life
Your lil girl has a lil guy
I can see you’re proud of me
With a big hug and a kiss on the cheek I sing…

Daddy don’t cry
He’s gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout this lil guy
He’s beautiful and mine!!!



Added by Daddy 11/2/2011 (after my diagnosis of breast cancer)


At 30 years old you discover your cancer
Tears run down your daddy’s face
I fall to my knees
Prayers and pleas
For God’s grace to fill my heart
Fear is relentless and takes over my thoughts
I love her as my first born, my punkin, my precious daughter
Yet your amazing response is


Daddy Don’t Cry
I’m gonna be alright
I WILL BEAT THIS THING!
God’s in this fight. His grace is near
So have no fear…Daddy!


Now I just need to put it to chords on my guitar!
Writing a song or many for that matter has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember!
I have millions of lyrics, books upon books, journals upon journals jammed packed but none of them to music to music I have composed myself!
I need to let go of my expectations of a "good" song and just do it!!!
I will still someday love to have a CD with my name on it!
Jessica Carmen....Days to Live By!
I see my name in shiny lights and all!
A girl can dream and hopefully think it into existence!

So life is still flyin by...
Can't believe Christmas is in 2 1/2 weeks.
Gotta shop n wrap!
Our tree is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Colorful, good smelling, lit amazingness!
The tree is one of my fav things about Xmas!
We put on Christmas music, danced, sang, drank hot cocoa with marshmallows and decorated the tree.
PURE PERFECTION!

The Jordahl's came and went so fast.
4 days was not long enough but at least we got to hang for a little while!
Beach, dinners, dates, fishing (where everyone who went got sea sick! lol! glad it wasn't me!), kayaking, drinks, a chemo trip with the girls Kim and Shelby, quality time with Micah and Mason, a mini Christmas celebration, a wig fashion show, the pool and a little too much sun for the white Minnesotans! lol!
It was amazing!

Been feeling pretty good physically.
Some headaches, nausea, and lot of fatigue and no energy.
Nothing that lots of naps and meds can't fix!
My scalp and hot flashes are the biggest nuisance these days!
My scalp is a little ridics!
I must say it's quite cute and perfectly round but what's not cute is the road rash all over it!
Reed bumps and itchy GALORE!!!!!!!
Prob somewhat from shaving it and somewhat from my skin breaking out from chemo!
It's been over 2 weeks since I have shaved it....razor burn should be gone by now!
My Dr. wants me to see a dermatologist but the referral she gave me doesn't have an opening until Feb....nice.
That's not gonna do much!
Plus seeing ANOTHER Dr. is like the last thing I wanna do!
So for now it's hydrocoritsone which seems to be helping a bit and lots of scarves!
I watched about 100 YouTube videos on how to tie scarves.
Gave me some great ideas!
I am getting better at it!
Gotta love YouTube!

The other issue is these damn hot flashes!
Holy HOTNESS....literally!
Menopause blows!
Chemo has pushed me into menopause and I am complaining of these crazy hot flashes like my mother! lol!
Never thought we would be dealing with this at the same time! hahaha!
Up at night in pools of sweat!
Hot, cold, hot, cold!
Make up your mind body!
Wish hot flashes made me "HOT" for my hubby, not sweat like elephant balls in the African sun!
Anthony probably wishes that to!
Poor guy!
Well.....he just gets to suffer along with me!
(Insert tear here.....with a hint of sarcasm)

Speaking of my amazing hubby, I do feel bad!
It's season t his job so he's busy as all hell!
Snowbirds back in town, holiday parties, lots to do at work, lots of extra hours!
And as far as date nights, well those are few and far between.
Cancer has kinda creeped it's way into our relationship and taken a lot of our fun "us" time!
SAD!
But my good yoga instructor friend Sarah said she is gonna give us some free couples yoga classes and teach us how to do some Thai Massage!
That will rock my world and hopefully his too!
We need to get back to focusing on each other and not getting caught up in all of this other stuff going on!
It's so much easier said than done!
I find myself holding back, not communicating how I feel and then feeling guilty for it or mad at him for not knowing how I feel. Crazy lady syndrome! =)
Holy marriage counseling on myself!
He told me the other day that he missed me.
Maybe I am isolating myself?
I do feel that no one really gets it.
Nobody could!
I can't expect anyone to.
But I need to open up to my man more!
See...as a psychology major I can even help myself work it out....sometimes! lol!

Baby if you are reading this I love you!
I wouldn't be me with out you!
Thanks for hanging out with me even though I may not be the funnest girl at the party right now!
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxo

So here's to Anthony "lovin me through it" as Martina McBride would say!

Hope all is wonderful in your lives and you are enjoying not stressin about the upcoming holidays!
Lots of love!

xo

Day 61

Day 61

Friday November 25th, 2011

"BLACK FRIDAY"
Being an ex-retail manager I stay very, very far away from all of the shopping craziness! Don't really get what all the hype is about anyway?!
One thing I do get is that it takes awhile to get used to being bald! lol!
The mirror scares me every time I walk by!

This has been an amazing week and it pretty much started with me shaving my head!
It all went down Tuesday morning.
Nikki and her boys came over cuz I needed a friend to be there for support!
She said, "I love you! Of course I will be there!"
When I woke up I was nervous!
But kinda excited!
I showered. clogged up the drain one last time, and got ready!
Had to get my face beautified and eyelashes curled for the big event! lol!
That Master Cuts haircut didn't last as long as i thought it would....1 day!
Oh well!
So we set up the bathroom and Anthony started up the clippers!
BBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Off came chunks and chunks and more chunks!
I was not sad!
I was excited!
My hair was falling out which meant chemo is working!
Micah, Andrew and Austin were staring at me wide-eyed!
Then each of the boys took turns buzzing off a bit of my hair! It was actually very entertaining and shall I even say FUN?!

Here are 3 vids of the big event!!!!

Here's the beginning....
http://youtu.be/olkMHunTwyc

Here's Micah's contribution...
http://youtu.be/nR8yN6Z1Ib0

Here's the grand finale with the razor!
http://youtu.be/-5FMOACbI-A

Had to do the Mohawk, of course.
My whole life i thought, "Hmmmm, wonder what I would look like with a Mohawk?"
Well now I know and sure glad I had never done it before! lol!
A little too extreme....even for me!

Then Anthony lubed me up with cream and BIC'd it!
Right down to my bald white noggin!
Got some major razor burn itchiness even 4 days later, but oh well!
I wanted it all off!
And I never realized how white my head is!
Blinded!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't cry and have not since I shaved it!
Not sure if I will?!?!
It's better than handfuls of hair!
Tried on my wigs and they ROCK but are very hot in the FL sun!
I am gonna have to learn how to tie some cool scarf knots and get some sweet hats!
But so far I am rockin the Sinead O' Connor look hard core....

Bald can be beautiful!
Anthony says, "I am shocked but I love the fact that you are just rockin it! I think you look great!"
Love him! Always my rock and always has my back!
Micah on the other hand is not so gentle on me! lol
We were watching Olivia, a cartoon with a little girl who's a pig!
Olivia was being a ballerina in the episode so i said, "Wow, I wanna be a ballerina!" and started doing a sweet move, if i do say so myself, in the living room!
Micah says, "You can't be a ballerina!"
"Why not?" I questioned.
"Cuz you are not a girl!"
"What do you mean? YES I AM!" slightly offended by my 3 year old!
"Well you don;t have hair anymore, so you're not a girl!"
"Micah...I still have a vagina, so therefore I am still a girl! Boys have a penis, girls have vagina's!" defending myself!
"OH YEEEAAHHH...that's right! I'm so silly!" he says with a slight smile, then turns to continue watching Olivia like nothing even happened!
LMAO!
He is such a trip!
Love him!

So Wed. wanted to try to tan my head a bit so we went down to the pool for a little while!
That sun was torchin the whiteness quick!
SPF 9000 wouldn't stop the burn so a bandanna had to come out!
May take me a couple sessions to match my Filipino hubby!
He always rubs it in that he has a better tan than me so I really need to work on this! lol!

While at the pool I went to grab a noodle for Micah.
They were re-roofing the Tiki Hut but the pool and I just happened to step on a big rusty nail.
It went right through my flip-flop and into the bottom of my foot!
OOOUUUUCCCHHHHHHHHHH!
So off to the Dr. for a tetanus shot I had to go!
My oncologist said not to take any chances so now I walk with my bald head and a slight limp! lol!
Hopefully not for long!

Thursday brought a day of perfection!
Anthony's 35th birthday!
Micah woke him up to homemade cards, new clothes, and a tree we made with pics and leaves all over it that he called our family tree!
Sooo sweet!
And Thanksgiving!
A day with friends and family, food and festivities!
Anthony and I cheated on our no meat or dairy diets and it was sooooo worth it!
Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same with out my man's gourmet turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, and stuffing!
Perfection!
These are the days I love that I married a chef!
Even though it was his birthday, he slaved while I drank some bubbles!
But the ladies cleaned and made turkey soup and dessert so the men could watch their football, drink their Crown Royal and Sprites and play cards.

Today I feel like a mom again.
I mean...I always feel like a mom but I took control of the kiddos today, I cleaned, I organized, I donated a bunch of toys and books, and just felt good about doing stuff I would do before this whole cancer thing.

I even sang and danced with they boys.
I tickled and played with them.
We laughed and had a great day!
One of the hardest parts of this journey so far has been not being able to do what I do...do me!
Mother like I mother.
Clean like I clean.
Cook like I cook.
Play like I play.
Smile like I smile.
My spirit just cant be fully me!
I kinda feel like a bird that can sing her song beautifully but can't fly to share it with the world!
My body won't allow me to do what I want to do!
It's hard to explain!
but I am doing my damnedest to keep my spark, my zest, my rowdiness!
Most days I am pretty good1
This week has been the best week so far!
It's week 4 on chemo!
Only 20 weeks to go! lol!
Sad I am already counting down.
But chemo is already working!
My pain is so much less intense!
Rarely do I take my pain meds!
That's a great feeling!
I keep getting these sharp short stabs of pain that come and go through my tumor but the Dr. says that means the chemo is working!
So bring it on!

So in honor of being thankful I want to thank God for a few things in my life....
My hubby and kiddos....for daily love and support!
My family and friends....for prayers and good vibes!
Chemo and my Dr.'s and nurses....for helping make me me again!
My bald head.....for showing me the chemo is working and showing me humility!
Leftovers...so i could cheat twice on my diet!
The movie ELF....for making me laugh till I cry! (I love you Will Ferrell!)

Have a great weekend everyone! I am also thankful for you taking the time to read my blog! It means the world to me that you care enough to take the time!
Love you all to pieces!!!

xo

Boobie Pops!

Forgot to share...

Brought more treats for the nurses today for more brownie points! They loved them!

BOOBIE POPS!
Choclate cake on the inside and a boob on the outside!
My friend Jessica who owns Rock Star Pastries made them for me!

AMAZING! lol!

Day 57 Catching up!

Day 57

Well it's been awhile! Sorry!
10 days to be exact!
My psychologist told me he thought I should quit blogging everyday because it's stressing me out...and I think he's right!
I get stressed when i am not caught up so from now on I am gonna update when I can!
Funny stories, serious stories, inspiring stories, when I need to vet or just plain old be silly!

A lot has happened in the last 10 days.
This journal/blog is supposed to be my therapy, my venting sesh, my who the hell cares if I tell it like is is pages of word vomit!
That is why I do it.
IT FEELS GOOD!
So for those of you reading...thank you and I am impressed you suffer through the craziness of my "DEEP THOUGHTS"! lol

So lets go to Sunday November 13th.
A day that I will remember for the rest of my life!
I woke up around 3:45am cuz I was so excited. Felt like a teenager about to drive a car solo for the first time!
I ate some oatmeal, the peach kind, drank a bunch of H2O, put on my Glide and deodorant, my FIT (Friends in Training) tank top and running shorts, and finally my Mizuno running shoes with my bright pink breast cancer laces from Micah and Anthony. Then I headed to Ft. Lauderdale to start my day!

Still dark and so stoked!
I will run my 1st 1/2 marathon today!!!!
13.1 miles! Holy Moly!
Never in my life have I ran that far!
And the last 6 weeks training has been slim to none!
Gonna try to stick with the interval training I was doin.
3:1 3 min running, then 1 min walking fast!
It's hard but very doable!
My body is very weak and may not want to do this but my mind is strong and I am determined and declared it so therefore I am gonna do it!
What I declare and want with all my soul will happen! Law of Attraction baby! Its science!!

So I bring it on the asphalt.
"You are getting a beating today! by not only me but 2,989 other strong amazing people!"

6:13 the horn blows after the national anthem was sang as the moon shone in the black sky!
As soon as I cross the starting line the jog begins.  Need to stay on pace! Not too much at the start! HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ups and downs.
Thoughts drifting in and out. I think about music...
I sing "Somebody call 911...shorty fire burnin on the dance floor...whoa!"
and..."Get yo hands up..Party Rock is in the house tonight, everyone is gonna have a good time...SHAKE THAT...everyday I'm shuffling..."
Makes me wanna dance so I think I bust a few moves and sing a few tunes while runnin! lol!
I look good running next to this 83 year old in a Santa Hat! lol

Then the last two miles....UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
I had friends, Rocco, Allison, Jorge, Sandra, Mom, Anthony, the boys, they were all there to cheer me on! It helped! I got a second wind!
My muscles were still cramping and throbbing and about to give out!
It hurt to walk, to run, to stretch, but I just going!
I tried to keep my mind off of my body!
Music..my to do list...try to leave your body physically...
DIDN'T WORK!
OUCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Then Sandra came and ran the last mile with me! She had already finished and came and found me to run more...crazy lady!
"I wanna make it under 3 hours!" I say.
"If you run the rest of the way you can!" She said looking at her watch!
"OK! That's it! Bring it on bitches!"
And off I went.
I see the finish line in the distance!
I give it all I have! EVERYTHING!
I push hard!
I pick up my pace!
UNDER 3 DAMN IT!
As I cross the finish line I almost collapse. I get my medal around my neck and loose my mind! TEARS!
Anthony was getting choked up to! I could see in his eyes how proud he was of me! My heart melts!
I made it in 2:58:58!
Unbelievable!
My body was done. I collapse to the ground!
I NEED to stretch and get ice!
Medical tent here is come!
I love my medal!

I am truly so proud of myself.
I declared it and I did it! Cancer and chemo can kiss my ass!

The next day, Monday, was chemo sesh #3 and our meeting with the psychologist Dr. Kumar.
Chemo went good but another long day!
Dr. Kumar was great too. He gave me some ideas on how to deal with my anxiety.  Breathing exercises that will help with sleeping and panic attacks I have been having!
He also suggested acupuncture, which I have been hearing helps cancer patients a lot!
But whoa...needles all over my body?!
I guess I do have 5 tattoos so this may not be THAT bad!? lol
So that will be in the cards very soon!

Took awhile to recover from the big run Sunday!
Nails turned black and blue. and I think they may fall off! Chemo and running 7 million miles is not a good combo.  So because I have to look at them everyday I am going to give you the privilege to see one! lol
The pic doesn't do it justice!

Hahahahahhaha. That funny! Sorry if you hate feet! lol!

Tuesday I took the last $200 from the Jessica fund and wanted to spoil my family! It was Uncle Ryan birthday so I made reservations to get paddle board lessons for the four of us to go. My mom, Anthony, Ryan and I!
It was AMAZING!
Anthony fell about 123456432345678576575345 times. hahah ok not that bad but he finally got the hang of it!
My mom was the only one who never fell in! Go Lela! =)
None of them seemed to excited to go but then when we were out there with the sun in our face, on the water, with all of the fish and birds and wildlife....they loved it!
They were very thankful!
The experience of trying something new is so great and rewarding!

I think the 1/2 marathon gave me inspiration to just get out there and live life out loud...even more than I do now!
Life is too short.
Make beautiful, fun days happen.
Excuses can control your whole life if you let them!
How about you let what will inspire you control your life!
Sounds way more fun to me!
So what's next on my bucket list!
I think surfin and scuba lessons!
HELL TO THE YEAH!
Grandma Pat left on Wed and it was really hard on me! I hate when family leaves!
And Wed and Thurs seem to consistently be my really bad days from chemo! Ick!
I feel like I got hit by the Titanic or that crazy out of control train in the movie Unstoppable!
So I sleep, lay in bed, and try not to feel sorry for myself!

But as the weekend approaches I always feel better and need to be social with the world!
So this weekend I did....

Went to the mall where I was approached by a psychic reader.
She said, "I was called over to you and I need to do a reading on you! Something major is going on in your life because of a negative energy that someone put on you and it needs to be released in order for you to deal with life right now! I can help you! I usually charge $80 but will do it for $20.  What is with the letter J"
Whoa lady. that a lot of info in one sentence! But ok....I agreed cuz it had peaked my interest and hey maybe I am a sucker! lol!
But when she started talking it was in circles and very generic.
"Have you ever been disappointed in your life?"
"Someone is very jealous of you!"
"Something happened to you in the past that is causing this negative energy to manifest in your body!"
Blah blah blah!
So I gave her only $10 for her time and said, "I feel no connection with you and I will not be paying the other $100 for you to do the meditation and "fix" me!
She also had the audacity to say I was a negative person!
I laughed because I think I am a pretty big powerhouse when it comes to optimism in my life!
I told her I Live A Life I Love and walked away!

But ever since then I keep thinking about her and what she said. Grrrr!
But 2 healers have told me I need to release something to heal!?
What is it!?
If I can not place it or remember it then why should I try to dig up something that is probably not even there!?
This is perplexing me!
Yet it is still boggling my mind!
I just need to let it go. What people say should have no effect on how happy I am.
I am really trying to practice this.
The choice between anger and happiness is always there, it's just a matter of revealing there is a choice and choosing happiness!
That easy!

This week I have been in tune with the small things, silly faces and all......

"Mommy, we are going to be together forever!" Micah said one night before bed!

Ugh that feeling right there! The one of true happiness, true bliss, that's what life is all about! Those moments!
That is how I want to feel 100% of the time! My new goal! lol!
May need to up my Xanax prescription! lol JUST KIDDING!

Mason started to walk this week and is saying Mama!

Melts my heart with his wide open mouth make out kisses! Ugh! Like Butta!

My mom holding my hand in the car on the way home from chemo today as we listen to Martina McBride sing "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" We were both crying because we love each other so much and she says to me, "I love you! I am so glad we are so alike!" lol Made me laugh! Cuz we totally are! It's a little scary!
Watch this when you can! Such a great song! Please watch the whole thing! It would mean a lot to me!

http://youtu.be/WxIt70j_SPk


I am gonna learn it on the guitar and sing it! Video to come!
Thanks Aunt Kim and Cuz Hollie for the suggestion! Even though it makes me cry!
Lets see if I can sing it without crying! =)

Chemo chemo chemo...here's a little what it looks like if you have never seen the insides of a cancer killing venue.....
                                         My port plugged in to the IV pumpin in the craziness..

The pumps that regulate the rate of drip.....

The back of the center where all the chairs are and chemo happens...

My foot on my pump, chillaxin with my fav booties and blanket on....

The reassuring signs are everywhere...LOVE IT!

I had a massage today during chemo and she asked if I had an hobbies. She said that my anxiety is because the right side of my brain is on overload and I need to compensate and use the left side more which is the creative side. I need to use that side to balance me out!
It made so much sense to me!
I need my music in my life!
I need to sing!
I need to play my guitar!
Maybe even bust out the saxophones! =)
I am willing to try anything to help this crazy roller coaster ride going on in my brain!

And finally the issue of my hair!
So yesterday, Sunday, Micah and I went to Mastercuts to get our hair cut!
He went first and did great after a little bribery of going over to his BFF's house after he was done! lol

That's before!

And during! How cute is he!
And he got his reward......

And then it was my turn! I got a short pixie cut..kinda lesbo...my G girls even agree...one even asked me on a date! lol! Too funny!
But I kinda like it! Very rock start!
Here's before and after!

But tonight in the shower with lots of tears I decided tomorrow is the day to shave it off.
It is coming out in chunks!

No BUENO!
So I called one of my BFF's Nikki to see if she will come and hold m y hand in the am and she's rolling over.
Anthony wants him and Micah to shave it!
I will take a video and post it soon!
So good night hair! I will miss you!
Enjoy your last night on mi cabesa!

Sorry this was kinda a long one! I will keep future posts a little less wordy! lol!
xoxo
Love you all!

Jessica Carmen