9-20-2012

9-20-2012

September already! Almost one year ago on the 26th I got diagnosed and received the call that I had a huge mass of cancer in my right breast.
Crazy to think it's been almost a whole year!
What a year it has been.
I MADE IT!!!!!!!!
My girl Allison asked me yesterday what the biggest thing I learned in the past year was.
After a minute of contemplating, I thought, I learned how to puke like a pro! lol!
But in all seriousness I said, "I learned how to be full of gratitude. How to be grateful for the little things I used to take for granted. Feeling good physically, time with the kids and hubby, friends and family, the sun, the pool, the beach, just feeling alive!"
It's a weird feeling to know you've cheated death in a way!
Things could have gone completely opposite and I am so blessed in my life.
The universe is giving back to me in full force!
God is blessing my family and I so much!

I did get some bad news yesterday though.
I have been expanding my expander boobs and have been having a rough time with them. It feels like I broke a rib on my cancer/radiation/right side.
The radiation caused my muscle to shrink on that side and its very painful.
I feel I may have tried to expand too much on that side.
The last time I expanded it was 3 days before my best friend Val's wedding in Minnesota.  The day I got expanded I had to go get unexpanded that same afternoon.
I was having seriously apinful muscle spasms in my chest.
My lovley Vicodin couldn't even numb the pain.
So I had to go get deflated and they would only do the right side.
So needless to say I was a lopsided bridesmaid with a crazy afro like hair do for her wedding! lol!
I appologized to Val in tears on the way home from the clinic and always knowing what to say to me to make me laugh she says, "It's ok honey! You know I will only be looking at myself in all the pictures anyway!" Love her. I laughed.

But yesterday at the Dr. (plastic surgeon) I had decided no more expanding!
OVER IT!!!!
He gave me two options.
1. I keep expanding, get bigger fake implants (the size C's I really want! =), and have surgery in 3 weeks.
Or
2. Stop expanding, take out some of the fluid to relieve the pain I am in, wait 5 more months to have surgery but use all of my stomach fat for 100% all nat-u-ral tatas and a free tummy tuck! Only downfall boobs won't be as big and 5 months is a LONG time when I am just ready to be done with all of this crapola!
I wanted to cry. Why can't I just get what I want now. I mean they could use fat from my hips and ass too to make my boobs bigger! lol!
So after 5 seconds of debating I choose option #2!
I really can not stand the pain from stretching any more!
And I need to get off of all of this Vicodin I am on!
When the Dr. left and it was just the nurse and I I creid.
It all came out!
5 months just kept ringing over and over again in my head!
She said, "Don't cry Jessica! This surgery is the BEST one he does! I was hoping you were gonna get this one! He works miracles and you get a free tummy tuck!"
I realized that yes it is a long time to wait but it will be worth it in the long run.
And I AM ALIVE!!!
Even if I couldn't ever have boobs again, at least I am alive to talk/blog about it right?!?!
Victoria makes some seriously amazingly "perky" bras these days!
Water does wonders! =)
So I left the Dr. feeling mixed emotions. I called the hubby and complained about it a little then called my mommy and cried about it a little, then got over it!
this means I can keep training for my 1/2 marathon and actually run it in November.
Don't wanna work out too hard though cuz I can't loose all of my stomach fat before Feb otherwise I will have tiny boobs! I know...not a good excuse to be lazy! lol!

So ever since my brief encounter with withdrawl from Dialuded when I was released after my kidney stone surgery, I have been taking Vicodin.  I first took it to wean off of the Dilauded then for pain while I was expanding.  I have come to the point now though where I feel like i may be slightly addicted to it. I take 2 a day but the first I take right away in the am before I even evaluate how bad the pain is. It is an upper for me! It helps me clean and get out of bed and be motivated.  But it also makes me nauseas, irritated, and very short tempered.  I am starting to wean myself off of it today because I do not want to be on medication anymore. Today I only took a 1/2 a pill.  I can see how people can become super addicted to pain meds. Even if you have pain like I do, you need to be very very careful.  I know it's not going to be a problem for me but I can see how it could get out-of-control. Scary!!

So now that I am not having surgery for 5 months, I need to start taking action in my life! I wanna write a book. I wanna publish my kids book. I wanna record an album. I wanna be on Ellen (which I just applied to be on so cross your fingers)!

So much to do!
My 5 year plan has lots of things on it!
I just wrote them all down so now they are way more likely to be accomplished!
So here's to taking life by the horns from now on and not letting a day pass me by without living the life I love!
xo