9-26-2012 Celebrating a YEAR!

9-26-2012

A YEAR ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer! Holy Canoli!
It has been a long year!  But instead of going on and on about how and why it was so long and drawn out, I want to give you a picture montage of the amazing things that happened this year!  I could never show you everything but here are some of the highlights!
I LOVE YOU ALL! THANKS FOR HELPING ME CREATE A YEAR I WILL NEVER FORGET!

My boys!

 

My hubby! My love!

 

Last hoorah before chemo in Chicago with my girls!

 

My half marathon on chemo!

 

Lovin the bald head!

 

Disney!

 

Asian with a wig! lol!

 

Mason's 1st birthday!

 

Uncle Jonathan came to visit!

 

Happy New Year Lela!

 

Jena my sister from another mister!

 

Auntie Mare!

 

Chef Anthony and Shorty at one of our benefits!

 

Seeing stars at my girl Kristina's wedding!

 

 

 

Uncle Kelly!

 

 

My Daddy-O came!

 

 

Micah turned 4!!!

 

 

 

We went to Minnesota as a family! Hi Shelby!

 

Micah and Mason both tried tubing for the 1st time!

 

Boat days rule!

 

Mason having a blast!

 

Nothing compares to cousins!

 

Micah and Daddy love to fish!

 

Auntie Kim did a photo shoot for me!

 

Val's bachlorette party in Miami!

 

Val's wedding!

 

Micah was a mini groomsmen!

 

Both kids looked dashing!

 

Micah started school!

 

 

 

Kayaking!

 

 

5K during radiation!!

 

See it's been one heck of a year of wonderful memories even if it's been a rough one! When you realize how short and precious life is, it sure is a lot easier to sieze the day!

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

 

Love you!

Jessica

9-20-2012

9-20-2012

September already! Almost one year ago on the 26th I got diagnosed and received the call that I had a huge mass of cancer in my right breast.
Crazy to think it's been almost a whole year!
What a year it has been.
I MADE IT!!!!!!!!
My girl Allison asked me yesterday what the biggest thing I learned in the past year was.
After a minute of contemplating, I thought, I learned how to puke like a pro! lol!
But in all seriousness I said, "I learned how to be full of gratitude. How to be grateful for the little things I used to take for granted. Feeling good physically, time with the kids and hubby, friends and family, the sun, the pool, the beach, just feeling alive!"
It's a weird feeling to know you've cheated death in a way!
Things could have gone completely opposite and I am so blessed in my life.
The universe is giving back to me in full force!
God is blessing my family and I so much!

I did get some bad news yesterday though.
I have been expanding my expander boobs and have been having a rough time with them. It feels like I broke a rib on my cancer/radiation/right side.
The radiation caused my muscle to shrink on that side and its very painful.
I feel I may have tried to expand too much on that side.
The last time I expanded it was 3 days before my best friend Val's wedding in Minnesota.  The day I got expanded I had to go get unexpanded that same afternoon.
I was having seriously apinful muscle spasms in my chest.
My lovley Vicodin couldn't even numb the pain.
So I had to go get deflated and they would only do the right side.
So needless to say I was a lopsided bridesmaid with a crazy afro like hair do for her wedding! lol!
I appologized to Val in tears on the way home from the clinic and always knowing what to say to me to make me laugh she says, "It's ok honey! You know I will only be looking at myself in all the pictures anyway!" Love her. I laughed.

But yesterday at the Dr. (plastic surgeon) I had decided no more expanding!
OVER IT!!!!
He gave me two options.
1. I keep expanding, get bigger fake implants (the size C's I really want! =), and have surgery in 3 weeks.
Or
2. Stop expanding, take out some of the fluid to relieve the pain I am in, wait 5 more months to have surgery but use all of my stomach fat for 100% all nat-u-ral tatas and a free tummy tuck! Only downfall boobs won't be as big and 5 months is a LONG time when I am just ready to be done with all of this crapola!
I wanted to cry. Why can't I just get what I want now. I mean they could use fat from my hips and ass too to make my boobs bigger! lol!
So after 5 seconds of debating I choose option #2!
I really can not stand the pain from stretching any more!
And I need to get off of all of this Vicodin I am on!
When the Dr. left and it was just the nurse and I I creid.
It all came out!
5 months just kept ringing over and over again in my head!
She said, "Don't cry Jessica! This surgery is the BEST one he does! I was hoping you were gonna get this one! He works miracles and you get a free tummy tuck!"
I realized that yes it is a long time to wait but it will be worth it in the long run.
And I AM ALIVE!!!
Even if I couldn't ever have boobs again, at least I am alive to talk/blog about it right?!?!
Victoria makes some seriously amazingly "perky" bras these days!
Water does wonders! =)
So I left the Dr. feeling mixed emotions. I called the hubby and complained about it a little then called my mommy and cried about it a little, then got over it!
this means I can keep training for my 1/2 marathon and actually run it in November.
Don't wanna work out too hard though cuz I can't loose all of my stomach fat before Feb otherwise I will have tiny boobs! I know...not a good excuse to be lazy! lol!

So ever since my brief encounter with withdrawl from Dialuded when I was released after my kidney stone surgery, I have been taking Vicodin.  I first took it to wean off of the Dilauded then for pain while I was expanding.  I have come to the point now though where I feel like i may be slightly addicted to it. I take 2 a day but the first I take right away in the am before I even evaluate how bad the pain is. It is an upper for me! It helps me clean and get out of bed and be motivated.  But it also makes me nauseas, irritated, and very short tempered.  I am starting to wean myself off of it today because I do not want to be on medication anymore. Today I only took a 1/2 a pill.  I can see how people can become super addicted to pain meds. Even if you have pain like I do, you need to be very very careful.  I know it's not going to be a problem for me but I can see how it could get out-of-control. Scary!!

So now that I am not having surgery for 5 months, I need to start taking action in my life! I wanna write a book. I wanna publish my kids book. I wanna record an album. I wanna be on Ellen (which I just applied to be on so cross your fingers)!

So much to do!
My 5 year plan has lots of things on it!
I just wrote them all down so now they are way more likely to be accomplished!
So here's to taking life by the horns from now on and not letting a day pass me by without living the life I love!
xo

Jena's Post

I remember getting a call 3 days prior to a life changing call for many. Jessica explained her lump and was quite nervous that she had a biopsy quite emergently if i recall correctly. She asked me questions about my mom's lump. We talked it over. I also assured her it was most likely a clogged milk duct, but good thing they are checking it out. Breast cancer isn't supposed to be painful.

            I hung up the phone, my eyes immediately filled with tears and the worry sunk in. Could my best friend/sister from another mister really be facing something like this?! Cancer! I called my mom, she reassured me that it was probably nothing but its good that they are checking it out. I decided to give it up to God. I knelt down and prayed so hard that night. "Please let it be nothing!"

            Sept 28, 2011, I was enjoying a glass of wine at my friend Jayna's house. Having a girls evening and doing hair. Half way through foiling Jayna's hair my phone rang. I saw it was Jessica and my heart sank. I excused myself and explained the urgency of the phone call. I went out to their deck sat down and answered. Hey honey whats up. " Jena, I have cancer. What do i do?" There might of been a few cus words involved in that sentence, but lets keep this g-rated. I heard the panic and fear in her voice. My heart was pounding and I found myself speechless. I wanted to start bawling but my head kept yelling BE STRONG FOR HER!

            The conversation is still kind of blurry to me. I tried really hard to just talk things over with her. Offered my support, told her I loved her. Told her I'd call my mom and have her call. Id look for 2nd opinions. Id pray every night and basically love her forever. Who knew one short phone call could be so life changing.

            Holding it together on the phone with Jessica seemed easier, maybe it was the shock? Or maybe it truly was strength. Whatever it was did not work on the phone with my mom. I bawled. Why her mom? Why this crap again? Haven't we had enough of ? Is she going to be okay mom? She has to be okay!

            I felt selfish as the next questions ran through my mind. Thinking of how painful it was to see my mom go through breast cancer. Crying so many nights worrying but trying to stay strong. And my mom was a rockstar through everything. I questioned God that night. How could he let this happen to two of the people I love most in this world?

            Infiltrating ductal carcinoma kept running through my head. I text Brian Unglaub a dear friend and Nurse Practioner I used to work with. Asked him for help/advice/opinions. He's amazing, he helped talk me through it. I called Lacy, another rock in my life. Crying..it had only been about 4 years since she got a call like this from me when my mom was diagnosed. She offered support, a shoulder to cry on, and encouragement. Telling Mike I tried to hold it together, but saying it out loud made it real. Same questions. He assured me that Jessica would be okay.

            The next day I sat at work distant and quiet. Everyone I told was shocked said they were sorry to hear that, they would pray, and I needed to stay strong for her. I felt helpless. I always want to fix things for my family and friends, and this was something I couldn't fix. There was nothing I could say to make it go away. Nothing I could buy to make it all better. It killed me.

            So I did what I do best, I occupied my brain with a mission. One week after getting the call and one week before i left for my previously planned trip to Florida, I started a Jessica Fund. I bought and sold hair product, did hair, asked for donations. Anything to make myself feel like I was doing something to help. Some of my dearest friends melted my heart and gave generously. Saying I don't even know her but the way you explain her and her family I know Id love her.

            Boarded my plane for West Palm Beach, $1000.00 in my purse and ready to concur. I had never been nervous to visit Jessica and the fam before. I kept stressing about the trip. How do I act? What do I say? Will I cry? Will she be different?

            Loud as usual I was greeted with a scream and hug. Ali was over talking about her vegan diet (yuck veggies!) and juicers. It felt like nothing had changed. Later that night I gave her the gift. She bawled ... was overwhelmed by love and fear. I stayed calm, didn't shed a tear. My head kept yelling be strong for her.

            I actually never cried in front of Jessica that trip. I colored her hair black, gave her asian bangs, cheers'd her on her birthday. Surrounded her with love and listened. Her mommy group gave me a sense of peace. Between them, Anthony, and Kathleen I knew they would take care of her.

            I have had many silent commutes to work. Tears usually flow, especially when I read her blog entries. One night leaving class, I prayed to God and told him I need a sign that she is going to be okay. Not even 10 minutes later the breast cancer visor pin I was given when my mom was diagnosed fell into my lap. A sign from God that he will take good care of Jessica. What a crazy feeling! I didn't even care that it was so late, I called her right away! She had seen  a sign too that day that she was going to be okay!

            The dreaded hair loss...But of course she was a rockstar about it. That part was probably a little harder on me as her stylist than it was on her :). Cheers to a new canvas for us when her hair grows back..

            Jessica is always on my mind and in my prayers. I text a lot, but sometimes do not feel like it is enough. How can one truly understand what she is going through? My mom is amazing and has been a rock in Jessica's journey, and I am thankful they have each other to lean on! Me...I just pray a lot.

            After this "harsh chemo cocktail" made her so sick, I knew it was time to head to Florida again. Time to face it, see my best friend sick, tired, and bald. My nerves went crazy. I think i finally felt what anxiety really feels like. My plane landed in Florida January 18th, 2012. I texted Jessica assuming I needed to call Kathleen for a ride. Nope! Up rolled my bestie bald & beautiful (as always)! Rocking out in the convertible. I got my same screaming welcome hug.

            As her friends and family, I know we all cry because we are worried and are hurting for her.but somehow she always gives me HOPE! I didn't think she could ever become more of an idle in my life....but she has proven me wrong once again.

            God gave Jessica this hard journey because he knew she could handle it, and she is going to concer the world. She will help so many people. Cheers Sister! You are my best friend, and I'm going to love you through it!

 

xo

Jena

8-30-2012 How do I be a survivor?

8-30-2012

So I never really got into how radiation was.
It ended 6-5-2012 after 6 long weeks of going everyday at 8:30 am.
My raditation techs were great ppl.
They always made me feel at ease and played good music while I did treatments! =)
Each day only took about 15 minutes total but it was just annoying having to drive there and go every morning.
here is what the huge machine looks like!

I started going to Starbucks afterwards though and it became a ritual.
Radiation then my tall french vanilla soy iced latte.
Yummo!
Radiation was not as tough as it could have been.
I never really burnt.  Got some blisters and was really red but no opens sores or wounds that I have heard happen.
I used lotion regularly and know that helped!
Lube me up buttercup!
Here's the damage!

After a short break after radiation finished, I just started expanding again. 
You can't expand while doing radiation so it had been awhile.
Being back in pain and back at the Dr. brought me back mentally to the treatment process and pain.
I know I am cancer free now says my Doc but it's still so raw and a little undealt with.
I really need to see a psychaitrsit.
I keep saying I am gonna go and have yet to make the appointment!
I need help with meds and all of this how to be a survivor BS.
I know I should be stoked and grateful to be a survivor and I am but I almost got used to doing nothing and having everything done for me and getting a lot of attention.
I can't believe I am admitting that but it's true.
Being a survivor is very hard. Not just cuz of that but also because you did get a second chance at life and what if I screw it up? What if I don't live it to the fullest?
I feel even more guilty when I sit around and be lazy.
I'm so Debbie Downer right now!
Soooo sorry!
It's not all peaches and cream.
My mind is exploding and I haven't written in months because of it.
Anxiety does not suit a writers needs.
Gotta dust off my pen and get writing. May help me find myself again.

Know what would make me happy?
Washing some lime green jeggings in a lime green washing machine, like the one in the JCPenny's commercial.

Guess it doesn't take much.
Just gotta think happy thoughts.
xo

7-10-2012

7-10-2012

It's Florida.
It's hot.
It's summer.
These are the things I would usually be complaining about in the middle of July but some how things have changed.
I hope I stay this grateful for life...the rest of my beautiful life!
Complaining is a complete waste of time unless you are asking for help at the same time. Even then why not just ask for help without complaining.
This advice I give to my children all the time so why not follow my own advice.
Recently I found myslef complaining about how awful the books are for children whose parents have cancer or another type of serious disease.
The American Cancer Society has given me w few but they are all geared towards older children and way too long and wordy.
My children didn't make it 3 pages!
So what do I do?
Write my own.
I think I mentioned it breifly before but its called Don't Forget To Dance Party.
Instead of complaining even more, I pushed myself into action and did something about it!
I need to make this another new pratice of mine.
(Maybe my next book should be a simple list of all the new practices I learned while battleing cancer.
Gotta remember that one!)
Just think if the whole world did this one, instead of complaining we took action to fix the problem.
The world would be a completely different place.
I love the quote by Ghandi, "Be the change you want to see in the world!"
So here I go trying to be in action.
Cheers to you trying too!

Day # .....Ugh who's keeing track anymore!?!? 2-7-2012

Day # .....Ugh who's keeing track anymore!?!?

I know I have been gone for a hot minute but things have been very hard the last couple months and finding the time to type have been really hard!
So here i am playing catch up.  I journaled but just didn't type them. So lets start with some older entries and move to current day.

2-7-2012

(Day 7 after F.E.C. aka the big guns, aka the destroyer!)

Wow! Where to start?
I am slowly seeing a light at the end of the this hell week, and even this whole processs in general.
Tumor is shrinking....AMEN!
Cancer has not spread... Another AMEN!
Didn't toss my cookies today! Not once!
ATE SOME MASHED POTATOES!
Drank and kept down some H20!
Got out of bed and went to the mall and went Valentines Day Shopping for Anthony.
Got him some new sweet nike kicks and new board shorts.
And yup my Grandma Pat pushed ME around in a wheel chair.
I really should have gotten a picture!
That's how I roll.
I make my grandmother push me around! lol!
Somehow it just didn't feel right!

I am also making something for him with my crafty self!
52 Things i Love About You
Cheesey, yes, I know, but sometimes cheesey feeds my soul!
So damnit cheesey he gets!
On a deck of cards made into a book I wrote 52 reasons why I love him!
Here's what it looks like...

Here are a couple I edited out cuz I ran out of room.
*the way you snore when you're drunk
*your kitchen/work clogs
*doing two things at the same time...what? lol
*your sensor button when it comes to bad taste in jokes (nope not funny)

So I have renamed my chemo brain "Jessica on crack." (Even though that's never happened...the crack part. That would be a scary scene.)
I feel like I can not remember a single thing these days!
Even writing right now I forget what I was writing about and go off on random tangents.
It's awful!
I feel as though 100% of my brain cells are gone!
Graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. Bet my IQ has dropped A LOT!
Wonder if that has ever been tested!?
Does chemo really kill brian cells?
That's depressing.
I said to my mom the other day, "Mom, I feel like this is killing me!" And I truly meant it!
I feel weak not only physically but mentally too!
At times I feel like curling up inside but she said right back, "It is. It's killing the parts of you that need to be killed...the cancer!"
And again I see the light!
Thanks mom!
The Dr. can't even measure it anymore.
I mean....melted like an ice cream cone in Africa.
I can't find it. Anthony can't find it either!
Doc said she still felt a small amount but too small to measure!
That's pretty dang good considering I used to have a baseball size lump in my breast!
Go Chemo Go!

I watched a movie last night called 50/50.
My girl Nikki recommended that Anthony and I watch it together.
So hubby OnDemanded it around 10:30 pm and I made it through the whole movie.
I am usually out from Tylonel PM by 9 pm so that proves the movie was good!
It's about a guy who finds out he has spinal cancer and his journey.
It's a crazy, touchy subject and they did it real and comical at the same time.
You get a great sense of what a cancer patient goes through.
All the way from shaving your head to the social aspect of chemo and how they become like family!
Great flick.

So what else in the Hoff household?
I watched the sunrise today!
Deep thoughts by Jesica Carmen....
It was 5:38 a.m.
Couldn't sleep.
Took a step back out of my reality.
Tried to see my life from a whole new viewpoint.
Completely different.
Look at where I live!!!!!!!!!!
It's so....so beautiful!
Pink and purple sunrise.
Aqua blue swimming pool reflecting the palm trees swaying in the breeze.
Turtle doves singing good morning.
I take this for granted too often.
I wish I could look at life like that 100% of the time!
The search for constant enlightenment!

Then my brains swithced gears and started thinking about regrets.
Funny how even in all of that happiness, being human takes over and stressful thoughts can still find a way to sneak in a crack and get in.
I start thinking about what I regret in life.
Only one thing stood out....
I regret not loving more.
At times not loving myself for what I am, my life, and or those around me.
I am going to try to love more!
My braceletes that Anthony made me, "LIVE A LIFE YOU LOVE", will continue to remind me.
That's what life is all about!
Being happy....just loving!

So wanna talk about the huge elephant in the room that I feel like needs to be released and talked about.
Haven't held anything back yet and if I can give some advice to other cancer patients going through chemo that will help them I am not gonna just hold on to the info.

Marijuana....IT WORKS!

I can eat!!!!!!!!!
I get relief, for at least a bit, from the incompacitating naseau!
Nuff said!

So my anxious brain is always going a million miles a minute. But I came up with a good idea!
I would love to open a charity that can deal with my finances and insurance claims and issues!
People with cancer or families would be able to come to the organization with all bills and insurance sheets and we would have a program to organize, keep track of deductibles and bills and make sure they are ligit and correct, and compare insurance statments to what is being billed to you.
I need to do this for myself but have no energy or brain cells for that matter to organize it on my own!
A charity that did this for free would be amazing!!!!

Yesterday I went to my gyno annual appointment.
This was with Dr. Pezzulo-Burgs, who after seeing 2 other Dr.'s sent me to get my innitial biopsy.
I told her I wanted to thank her and hug her for finally being the one to send me to a specialist back in Sept.
So we hugged.
And I didn't hug lightly.
It was a TIGHT squeeze and a big thank you for possibly saving my life!
It felt great to let her know I am grateful for her. This is also a new thing in my life. Letting people know more often when I am thinking something positive about them. I used to just think it a lot and not say anything but spreading smiles has become a whole lot more important these days!

Last time Ant and I had date night we went out to eat.  I wanted to rock my Uma Thruman Pulp Fiction rowdy black wig so I did!  We got to the restuaraunt, belly up to the bar and get friendly with the bartender.  Half way through dinner I had ANOTHER hot flash and whipped off the wig.  It completely freaked out our bartender even though he never said anything I could tell by the 2500 looks he gave me! lol
"Did that dude just switch dates?"
My wig looks so real and that's not something you see everyday.
I hot couple eating and a chick whips off her hair. lol.
Maybe you had to be there but it was hilarious to me!

So my last chemo is coming up.
Yay!
Feb. 22nd!
Gotta go out in true Jessica Fashion so I am gonna bring the nurses something.
And I wanna dress up or something?
Have a dance party?
Bring a pinata?
Make crowns for all the ladies getting chemo that day?
Still brainstorming!
Hmmmmm

Facebook status the other day was "Going to be on Ellen! Within the year!!!"
It was supposed to be just a declaration!
A speaking something into being.
The law of attraction.
The Secret if you wish.
But tons of my friends thought I was serious!
Two close friends said they actually wrote Ellen about me and my blog.
"Hi Ellen if you're reading. Love you!!!!"
So it could possibly be in the works! Crazier things have happened!
I would promote my two books.
My blog book and my childrens book I wrote about a little monster who's mom gets cancer.
I would love to be an author. A published author!
So funny how life throws you curve balls and all of the curveballs I have been thrown have enriched my life and made it better!
Getting knocked-up with Micah was a curveball and one of the best things that's happened to me because now I have Anthony and Mason too!!
(MELT)
Cancer is a really big curveball but I found out I love to write!
Even if it's just for self-therapy and preserving memories....I LOVE IT!

So the packages keep rollin in!
My Uncle Kelly sent two HUGE boxes of breads, cookies, and amazingness!
My cuz sent my some nipple tassles! Anthony liked that package!
My friend Heather made a book for me! I cried!
I got a free scarf from a fellow combat in this battle. Thanks Dotty! xo

I feel the life in my life and am very present to how blessed I am! Thank you!

3-29-2012 Post Surgery

3-29-2012

What a crazy week this has been. A week ago today I had my surgery.
Bilateral Masectomy.
They took my cancer away!
Girl needs a lot of amens!
But I am mourning the loss of my boobs! Is that crazy?!?!
It's sad to see them go.
I now have a flat chest with two HUGE incisions where my nipples used to be!
Sorry it's kinda graphic!

They put expanders in so each week they can stretch the muscles out a little more to ready them for reconstruction.
Then 6 weeks, 33 treatments, of radiation!
Then heal and stretch some more!
Then eventually my new Boca Boobs!

I was def not prepared for how massive this surgery was gonna be!
Friday, the day after my 5 hour surgery, was the worst 24 hours of my life this far!
I was sooo super sick and in so much pain even with the morphine pump!
I was vommitting around the clock.
Couldn't even drink water!
None of the nausea meds were working.
The surgeon recommended a couple of good ones but the hospital didn't carry them....WHAT?!?!?! REALLY?!?!!?
But because I know how bad it can be, I am gratful for feeling better than that today!
Each day is getting a fraction better than the day before!

I am on a lot of percocet and a nasuea med called Phenergen that works awesome! (The one the hospital didn't have! Anthony got it for me by perscription! YAY!)

Speaking of my hubby, wow is he a trooper.
He has been my bitch this week and didn't complain once!
It's crazy how much you can't do when you can't use your chest msucles!

Took 3 days till I did a victory cheer saying, "I wipe my own ass!" lol!
He scratched my every itch!
He fluffed my every pillow.
He fed me my meds and water every time I needed it!
He slept in an awful chair at the hospital never leaving my side.
I could go on and on but you get the picture!
Pretty amazing Filipino I caught, huh?! =)

When the kids came to visit me, Micah didn't really know what to think.
He was scared of me then saw me thorw up and was really put off by the whole situation!
Didn't even wanna give me any lovin!
SAD! No hugs from little man!
Mason could have cared less. Being as loud and obnoxious as ever not having a clue what was going on!
He just kept playing with the balloons they bought for me! =)

They didn't stay long cuz I wasn't feeling good but it meant everything to see their smiley faces. This is what I'm fighting for!
I just wish I could hold them and squeeze the, tight! Soon enough!
Wonder how long that is gonna take?
That's the hardest part I think!
I miss my bear hugs!

I wanted a couple pics before and after surgery so everyone could see how BEAUTIFUL I looked when I came out! lol!

Before

 



 

After

 

 

I have recieved flowers, cards, stuffed animals, and lots of calls.  Even though I don't have energy for thank you cards just know I am so thankful for your love and support!!!!

Yesterday I went to an apt with one of my surgeons and he said everything looked great.
Swelling isn't to bad and the drains, which are digusting, are doing their job well. In case you don't know what those are they look like this...

and suck all of the extra fluid and blood from my chest area to avoind over swelling!
Hopefully they can come out sooner than later!

Ant has to go back to work today which makes me sad!
And my mom, thank the Lord above, got a job and starts Monday!
So I was extremly stressed as to who was gonna watch the boys but the universe always provides for me when I need it most and Jena got a free flight to come visit for a week!
Then right after she leaves my Uncle Kelly comes for 2 weeks!
Then the day he leaves my dad and lil sister Madison are coming to stay for a week!
How awesome is God?!?!
By then I should be back up on my feet playing Twister with Micah! Lol! Well maybe not Twister! hehehehe

So ever since I started my antidepressants I can't cry! I know I have mentioned this before but it is really bothering me!
I love having a good cry session every once and awhile!
I NEED it!
The drugs were probably good to have during chemo and such but I think I am gonna wean myslef off of them! I am a very emotional, wear my heart on my sleeve, type of girl so I miss Crazy Jessica! lol!
My mom and I watched The Decendants the other day and she was bawling and I just sat there.....nothing!
I wanted to cry but dry as a desert!
She got up crying and said, "Those damn antidepressants! I'm going to bed!"
I laughed at her, kissed her goodnight and then sat in bed thinking about it!
I believe it;s a good release to cry.
I know a lot of people need drugs for chemical imbalances in their brain but do I?
Do I have a chemical imbalace or did they just prescribe me meds as a precautionary thing when I really didn't need them?
They said the drugs would also help me with my hot flashes but I am still having those!
Yet why am I kindof scared to go off of them?!?!
What if I am just a HOT MESS of crying and snot when I try?!?!
Well we will just have to see now won't we.....

3-21-2012 Day Before Surgery

3-21-2012

Happy 2nd year anniversary to me and my amazing hubby!
It's crazy how we have had such a great 2 years. 2 kids, a beautiful family, being able to stay home with the boys, a lot to brag about!

But tomorrow is the day.
The day the "nusiance" will be taken off of me!
I have been waiting for this for 6 months...so why am I soooo scared?
Scared of what could happen.
Scared that when I put my kids to sleep that it could be that last time I tuck them in.
I know it's a very common procedure but my mind keeps going, keeps rambling, keeps running.

I don't wanna die!
Is it weird I am more scared about surgery than I am about having cancer in my body?
Anthony's dad passed away in 2004 during a "routine procedure."

I want to cry!
But these antidepressants have made me pretty numb.
It's awful to really really want to cry but you can't!!!!

I told a few friends I wanted to write letters to those close to me, ya know, just in case, and they all said absoluelty not! Not to waste any energy on sitting there thonking about the what if's.
I guess those close to me know exaclty how I feel!
But it didn;t stop me from journaling in both of the boys journals!
I had to tell them I love them!

Now trying to ease my anxiety by writing.  Not really working! So I am just gonna try to get some sleep!

Everything is gonna be alright. Bob Marley said it well!

(Repeat)

xo Love the life I live...right?!?!?!

Ali's Post

Jessica Carmen,
The brightest soul I know.
Lights up the room with her energy
Strong believer in karmic relationships, always spreading the love and anxiously searching for better ways to do it!!!!  
So how could this be? 
Cancer?  
No, no, no, no no, 
Not her.  
Not anyone..... but why Jes?  
She is young, 
she is happy. 
she is mother.
she is soul sister.
 
[Why] serves no purpose and it doesn't matter because - She's got this! 
Going to fight it with every swing.  
but .... Chemo is poison. 
I'll find a better way....VEGAN...RAW!!!  
Fruits and vegetables will do it with their antioxidant properties.  
But she has to go hard, go clean, go fast....
But wait, there is also chemo, surgery, chemo AND radiation....what????  
That is too much.  
Its just a little tumor, she is bountiful, she can beat it....she!  
But the babies....got to make sure for the babies.  
 
Week 1, week 2, week 3....she seems fine.  "Hey", "hey how are you?"  - "fine, my hair is falling out" - "not at first, but now in chunks" 
 
Week 4, week 5, week 6...."its not working"   "they are kicking up the dose, time for the big guns." 
 
But do they know who they are shooting??  Do they know what she means??  Is she sure?  More drugs??  No wheatgrass?.....are they insane?  Its wheatgrass!!!!!!!   
 
..and then it hits me.  
I cannot control this.  
This is her path. 
This is all our path and I cannot do it for her.  
 
Big CHEMO
Kicking that little tumor's ass!
Red, hot, anxious, cold.
She is tired, she is sick.  
She isn't her self. 
Can't eat, can't drink.
Her blood is swimming in chemicals.  
I'm frozen in shock and reality...
Cancer is real and she has it.
Now I understand... just get it out!
 
--
 
I am blessed to have this person in my life, and so close...because so much is so far away.   
She is my family, my tribe....I don't want to lose her.  
But how do I help?  
How do I heal?  
She has healed me.
She has picked me up, told me I'm loved and showed a brighter way.  
There must be something i can do??  
 
Jes is the answer.
Use what she has always shown....
Love.
Compassion.
Love is the answer and the compass.  
Life has you down???....  Love.  
Love changes everything. 
Life is love.  
She is love.
She creates love and she will be love.
 
I can't control what tomorrow brings.     
But I can honor Jessica and myself by being true
By loving, near or far, and when I don't feel like loving
Sharing it with her, sharing it with her family
Share the gift she has given me...
Love.  
 
 
 
Allison Mendoza

Brandis's Post

[Cancer] Cancer isn’t a word I would ever anticipate I would have to associate with, nor would this encounter any of my loved ones.

Earlier this year, I was proven wrong when my best friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I remember the voicemail she left that day, I remember thinking ‘something is wrong’ … her voice isn’t the same. I remember not being able to get a hold of her and it feeling like it was the longest wait I had ever encountered … I then remember her phone call … yet, I can’t even remember what my husband said to me when he proposed or even simple things like what I wore yesterday, but I do remember her phone call almost word for word. She didn’t hesitate or beat around the bush … it was just “I have Breast Cancer.” Wait. What do you mean, you have Breast Cancer?! - Didn’t life see the first line I wrote above … Cancer isn’t associated with me or my loved ones, it just isn’t. When I hung up with her, I called my husband crying and realized …Cancer IS now a word that I associate with and IS encountering my loved ones and I am NOT in control. Cancer has taught me:

EVEN THOUGH WE CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING, WE DO CONTOL SOMETHINGS:

WE DO BELIEVE.

WE DO HAVE FAITH.

WE DO HAVE FUN.

WE DO FORGIVE.

WE GET SECOND CHANCES.

WE CAN CHANGE.

WE ARE REAL.

WE DO ENCOURAGEMENT.

WE CAN CRY.

WE DO MAKE MISTAKES.

WE GIVE HUGS.

WE SPREAD LOVE.

WE DO LEAN ON OTHERS.

WE DO STRENGTH.

WE ARE FAMILY.

WE ARE FRIENDS.

A similar phrase now hangs in my 2 year old son’s room, to remind him (and our family) that life is short and each person is responsible to make of it what they will; no matter what life tosses them that they may not be able to control.

Jessica cannot control cancer, nor does she deserve cancer … but I believe Jessica was dealt this card to teach those around her, there are things in life you DO control. She is one of the most inspiring people I have ever met and I hope to be blessed one day with strength as powerful as hers. Jessica is a blessing and we all need to remember there are many things in life we DO CONTROL and with this power, we are stronger than cancer.

Brandis

xoxo