Well it's been awhile! Sorry!
10 days to be exact!
My psychologist told me he thought I should quit blogging everyday because it's stressing me out...and I think he's right!
I get stressed when i am not caught up so from now on I am gonna update when I can!
Funny stories, serious stories, inspiring stories, when I need to vet or just plain old be silly!
A lot has happened in the last 10 days.
This journal/blog is supposed to be my therapy, my venting sesh, my who the hell cares if I tell it like is is pages of word vomit!
That is why I do it.
IT FEELS GOOD!
So for those of you reading...thank you and I am impressed you suffer through the craziness of my "DEEP THOUGHTS"! lol
So lets go to Sunday November 13th.
A day that I will remember for the rest of my life!
I woke up around 3:45am cuz I was so excited. Felt like a teenager about to drive a car solo for the first time!
I ate some oatmeal, the peach kind, drank a bunch of H2O, put on my Glide and deodorant, my FIT (Friends in Training) tank top and running shorts, and finally my Mizuno running shoes with my bright pink breast cancer laces from Micah and Anthony. Then I headed to Ft. Lauderdale to start my day!
I will run my 1st 1/2 marathon today!!!!
13.1 miles! Holy Moly!
Never in my life have I ran that far!
And the last 6 weeks training has been slim to none!
Gonna try to stick with the interval training I was doin.
3:1 3 min running, then 1 min walking fast!
It's hard but very doable!
My body is very weak and may not want to do this but my mind is strong and I am determined and declared it so therefore I am gonna do it!
What I declare and want with all my soul will happen! Law of Attraction baby! Its science!!
So I bring it on the asphalt.
"You are getting a beating today! by not only me but 2,989 other strong amazing people!"
6:13 the horn blows after the national anthem was sang as the moon shone in the black sky!
As soon as I cross the starting line the jog begins. Need to stay on pace! Not too much at the start! HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ups and downs.
Thoughts drifting in and out. I think about music...
I sing "Somebody call 911...shorty fire burnin on the dance floor...whoa!"
and..."Get yo hands up..Party Rock is in the house tonight, everyone is gonna have a good time...SHAKE THAT...everyday I'm shuffling..."
Makes me wanna dance so I think I bust a few moves and sing a few tunes while runnin! lol!
I look good running next to this 83 year old in a Santa Hat! lol
Then the last two miles....UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
I had friends, Rocco, Allison, Jorge, Sandra, Mom, Anthony, the boys, they were all there to cheer me on! It helped! I got a second wind!
My muscles were still cramping and throbbing and about to give out!
It hurt to walk, to run, to stretch, but I just going!
I tried to keep my mind off of my body!
Music..my to do list...try to leave your body physically...
DIDN'T WORK!
OUCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Then Sandra came and ran the last mile with me! She had already finished and came and found me to run more...crazy lady!
"I wanna make it under 3 hours!" I say.
"If you run the rest of the way you can!" She said looking at her watch!
"OK! That's it! Bring it on bitches!"
And off I went.
I see the finish line in the distance!
I give it all I have! EVERYTHING!
I push hard!
I pick up my pace!
UNDER 3 DAMN IT!
As I cross the finish line I almost collapse. I get my medal around my neck and loose my mind! TEARS!
Anthony was getting choked up to! I could see in his eyes how proud he was of me! My heart melts!
I made it in 2:58:58!
Unbelievable!
My body was done. I collapse to the ground!
I NEED to stretch and get ice!
Medical tent here is come!
I love my medal!
I declared it and I did it! Cancer and chemo can kiss my ass!
The next day, Monday, was chemo sesh #3 and our meeting with the psychologist Dr. Kumar.
Chemo went good but another long day!
Dr. Kumar was great too. He gave me some ideas on how to deal with my anxiety. Breathing exercises that will help with sleeping and panic attacks I have been having!
He also suggested acupuncture, which I have been hearing helps cancer patients a lot!
But whoa...needles all over my body?!
I guess I do have 5 tattoos so this may not be THAT bad!? lol
So that will be in the cards very soon!
Took awhile to recover from the big run Sunday!
Nails turned black and blue. and I think they may fall off! Chemo and running 7 million miles is not a good combo. So because I have to look at them everyday I am going to give you the privilege to see one! lol
The pic doesn't do it justice!
Tuesday I took the last $200 from the Jessica fund and wanted to spoil my family! It was Uncle Ryan birthday so I made reservations to get paddle board lessons for the four of us to go. My mom, Anthony, Ryan and I!
It was AMAZING!
Anthony fell about 123456432345678576575345 times. hahah ok not that bad but he finally got the hang of it!
My mom was the only one who never fell in! Go Lela! =)
None of them seemed to excited to go but then when we were out there with the sun in our face, on the water, with all of the fish and birds and wildlife....they loved it!
They were very thankful!
The experience of trying something new is so great and rewarding!
I think the 1/2 marathon gave me inspiration to just get out there and live life out loud...even more than I do now!
Life is too short.
Make beautiful, fun days happen.
Excuses can control your whole life if you let them!
How about you let what will inspire you control your life!
Sounds way more fun to me!
So what's next on my bucket list!
I think surfin and scuba lessons!
HELL TO THE YEAH!
Grandma Pat left on Wed and it was really hard on me! I hate when family leaves!
And Wed and Thurs seem to consistently be my really bad days from chemo! Ick!
I feel like I got hit by the Titanic or that crazy out of control train in the movie Unstoppable!
So I sleep, lay in bed, and try not to feel sorry for myself!
But as the weekend approaches I always feel better and need to be social with the world!
So this weekend I did....
Went to the mall where I was approached by a psychic reader.
She said, "I was called over to you and I need to do a reading on you! Something major is going on in your life because of a negative energy that someone put on you and it needs to be released in order for you to deal with life right now! I can help you! I usually charge $80 but will do it for $20. What is with the letter J"
Whoa lady. that a lot of info in one sentence! But ok....I agreed cuz it had peaked my interest and hey maybe I am a sucker! lol!
But when she started talking it was in circles and very generic.
"Have you ever been disappointed in your life?"
"Someone is very jealous of you!"
"Something happened to you in the past that is causing this negative energy to manifest in your body!"
Blah blah blah!
So I gave her only $10 for her time and said, "I feel no connection with you and I will not be paying the other $100 for you to do the meditation and "fix" me!
She also had the audacity to say I was a negative person!
I laughed because I think I am a pretty big powerhouse when it comes to optimism in my life!
I told her I Live A Life I Love and walked away!
But ever since then I keep thinking about her and what she said. Grrrr!
But 2 healers have told me I need to release something to heal!?
What is it!?
If I can not place it or remember it then why should I try to dig up something that is probably not even there!?
This is perplexing me!
Yet it is still boggling my mind!
I just need to let it go. What people say should have no effect on how happy I am.
I am really trying to practice this.
The choice between anger and happiness is always there, it's just a matter of revealing there is a choice and choosing happiness!
That easy!
This week I have been in tune with the small things, silly faces and all......
"Mommy, we are going to be together forever!" Micah said one night before bed!
Ugh that feeling right there! The one of true happiness, true bliss, that's what life is all about! Those moments!
That is how I want to feel 100% of the time! My new goal! lol!
May need to up my Xanax prescription! lol JUST KIDDING!
Mason started to walk this week and is saying Mama!
My mom holding my hand in the car on the way home from chemo today as we listen to Martina McBride sing "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" We were both crying because we love each other so much and she says to me, "I love you! I am so glad we are so alike!" lol Made me laugh! Cuz we totally are! It's a little scary!
Watch this when you can! Such a great song! Please watch the whole thing! It would mean a lot to me!
http://youtu.be/WxIt70j_SPk
I am gonna learn it on the guitar and sing it! Video to come!
Thanks Aunt Kim and Cuz Hollie for the suggestion! Even though it makes me cry!
Lets see if I can sing it without crying! =)
Chemo chemo chemo...here's a little what it looks like if you have never seen the insides of a cancer killing venue.....
My port plugged in to the IV pumpin in the craziness..
The pumps that regulate the rate of drip.....
The back of the center where all the chairs are and chemo happens...
My foot on my pump, chillaxin with my fav booties and blanket on....
The reassuring signs are everywhere...LOVE IT!
I had a massage today during chemo and she asked if I had an hobbies. She said that my anxiety is because the right side of my brain is on overload and I need to compensate and use the left side more which is the creative side. I need to use that side to balance me out!
It made so much sense to me!
I need my music in my life!
I need to sing!
I need to play my guitar!
Maybe even bust out the saxophones! =)
I am willing to try anything to help this crazy roller coaster ride going on in my brain!
And finally the issue of my hair!
So yesterday, Sunday, Micah and I went to Mastercuts to get our hair cut!
He went first and did great after a little bribery of going over to his BFF's house after he was done! lol
And he got his reward......
And then it was my turn! I got a short pixie cut..kinda lesbo...my G girls even agree...one even asked me on a date! lol! Too funny!
But I kinda like it! Very rock start!
Here's before and after!
It is coming out in chunks!
So I called one of my BFF's Nikki to see if she will come and hold m y hand in the am and she's rolling over.
Anthony wants him and Micah to shave it!
I will take a video and post it soon!
So good night hair! I will miss you!
Enjoy your last night on mi cabesa!
Sorry this was kinda a long one! I will keep future posts a little less wordy! lol!
xoxo
Love you all!
Jessica Carmen
I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!! Keep workin' it girl!!! Youre doing awesome!!
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