Day 61

Day 61

Friday November 25th, 2011

"BLACK FRIDAY"
Being an ex-retail manager I stay very, very far away from all of the shopping craziness! Don't really get what all the hype is about anyway?!
One thing I do get is that it takes awhile to get used to being bald! lol!
The mirror scares me every time I walk by!

This has been an amazing week and it pretty much started with me shaving my head!
It all went down Tuesday morning.
Nikki and her boys came over cuz I needed a friend to be there for support!
She said, "I love you! Of course I will be there!"
When I woke up I was nervous!
But kinda excited!
I showered. clogged up the drain one last time, and got ready!
Had to get my face beautified and eyelashes curled for the big event! lol!
That Master Cuts haircut didn't last as long as i thought it would....1 day!
Oh well!
So we set up the bathroom and Anthony started up the clippers!
BBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Off came chunks and chunks and more chunks!
I was not sad!
I was excited!
My hair was falling out which meant chemo is working!
Micah, Andrew and Austin were staring at me wide-eyed!
Then each of the boys took turns buzzing off a bit of my hair! It was actually very entertaining and shall I even say FUN?!

Here are 3 vids of the big event!!!!

Here's the beginning....
http://youtu.be/olkMHunTwyc

Here's Micah's contribution...
http://youtu.be/nR8yN6Z1Ib0

Here's the grand finale with the razor!
http://youtu.be/-5FMOACbI-A

Had to do the Mohawk, of course.
My whole life i thought, "Hmmmm, wonder what I would look like with a Mohawk?"
Well now I know and sure glad I had never done it before! lol!
A little too extreme....even for me!

Then Anthony lubed me up with cream and BIC'd it!
Right down to my bald white noggin!
Got some major razor burn itchiness even 4 days later, but oh well!
I wanted it all off!
And I never realized how white my head is!
Blinded!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't cry and have not since I shaved it!
Not sure if I will?!?!
It's better than handfuls of hair!
Tried on my wigs and they ROCK but are very hot in the FL sun!
I am gonna have to learn how to tie some cool scarf knots and get some sweet hats!
But so far I am rockin the Sinead O' Connor look hard core....

Bald can be beautiful!
Anthony says, "I am shocked but I love the fact that you are just rockin it! I think you look great!"
Love him! Always my rock and always has my back!
Micah on the other hand is not so gentle on me! lol
We were watching Olivia, a cartoon with a little girl who's a pig!
Olivia was being a ballerina in the episode so i said, "Wow, I wanna be a ballerina!" and started doing a sweet move, if i do say so myself, in the living room!
Micah says, "You can't be a ballerina!"
"Why not?" I questioned.
"Cuz you are not a girl!"
"What do you mean? YES I AM!" slightly offended by my 3 year old!
"Well you don;t have hair anymore, so you're not a girl!"
"Micah...I still have a vagina, so therefore I am still a girl! Boys have a penis, girls have vagina's!" defending myself!
"OH YEEEAAHHH...that's right! I'm so silly!" he says with a slight smile, then turns to continue watching Olivia like nothing even happened!
LMAO!
He is such a trip!
Love him!

So Wed. wanted to try to tan my head a bit so we went down to the pool for a little while!
That sun was torchin the whiteness quick!
SPF 9000 wouldn't stop the burn so a bandanna had to come out!
May take me a couple sessions to match my Filipino hubby!
He always rubs it in that he has a better tan than me so I really need to work on this! lol!

While at the pool I went to grab a noodle for Micah.
They were re-roofing the Tiki Hut but the pool and I just happened to step on a big rusty nail.
It went right through my flip-flop and into the bottom of my foot!
OOOUUUUCCCHHHHHHHHHH!
So off to the Dr. for a tetanus shot I had to go!
My oncologist said not to take any chances so now I walk with my bald head and a slight limp! lol!
Hopefully not for long!

Thursday brought a day of perfection!
Anthony's 35th birthday!
Micah woke him up to homemade cards, new clothes, and a tree we made with pics and leaves all over it that he called our family tree!
Sooo sweet!
And Thanksgiving!
A day with friends and family, food and festivities!
Anthony and I cheated on our no meat or dairy diets and it was sooooo worth it!
Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same with out my man's gourmet turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, and stuffing!
Perfection!
These are the days I love that I married a chef!
Even though it was his birthday, he slaved while I drank some bubbles!
But the ladies cleaned and made turkey soup and dessert so the men could watch their football, drink their Crown Royal and Sprites and play cards.

Today I feel like a mom again.
I mean...I always feel like a mom but I took control of the kiddos today, I cleaned, I organized, I donated a bunch of toys and books, and just felt good about doing stuff I would do before this whole cancer thing.

I even sang and danced with they boys.
I tickled and played with them.
We laughed and had a great day!
One of the hardest parts of this journey so far has been not being able to do what I do...do me!
Mother like I mother.
Clean like I clean.
Cook like I cook.
Play like I play.
Smile like I smile.
My spirit just cant be fully me!
I kinda feel like a bird that can sing her song beautifully but can't fly to share it with the world!
My body won't allow me to do what I want to do!
It's hard to explain!
but I am doing my damnedest to keep my spark, my zest, my rowdiness!
Most days I am pretty good1
This week has been the best week so far!
It's week 4 on chemo!
Only 20 weeks to go! lol!
Sad I am already counting down.
But chemo is already working!
My pain is so much less intense!
Rarely do I take my pain meds!
That's a great feeling!
I keep getting these sharp short stabs of pain that come and go through my tumor but the Dr. says that means the chemo is working!
So bring it on!

So in honor of being thankful I want to thank God for a few things in my life....
My hubby and kiddos....for daily love and support!
My family and friends....for prayers and good vibes!
Chemo and my Dr.'s and nurses....for helping make me me again!
My bald head.....for showing me the chemo is working and showing me humility!
Leftovers...so i could cheat twice on my diet!
The movie ELF....for making me laugh till I cry! (I love you Will Ferrell!)

Have a great weekend everyone! I am also thankful for you taking the time to read my blog! It means the world to me that you care enough to take the time!
Love you all to pieces!!!

xo

Boobie Pops!

Forgot to share...

Brought more treats for the nurses today for more brownie points! They loved them!

BOOBIE POPS!
Choclate cake on the inside and a boob on the outside!
My friend Jessica who owns Rock Star Pastries made them for me!

AMAZING! lol!

Day 57 Catching up!

Day 57

Well it's been awhile! Sorry!
10 days to be exact!
My psychologist told me he thought I should quit blogging everyday because it's stressing me out...and I think he's right!
I get stressed when i am not caught up so from now on I am gonna update when I can!
Funny stories, serious stories, inspiring stories, when I need to vet or just plain old be silly!

A lot has happened in the last 10 days.
This journal/blog is supposed to be my therapy, my venting sesh, my who the hell cares if I tell it like is is pages of word vomit!
That is why I do it.
IT FEELS GOOD!
So for those of you reading...thank you and I am impressed you suffer through the craziness of my "DEEP THOUGHTS"! lol

So lets go to Sunday November 13th.
A day that I will remember for the rest of my life!
I woke up around 3:45am cuz I was so excited. Felt like a teenager about to drive a car solo for the first time!
I ate some oatmeal, the peach kind, drank a bunch of H2O, put on my Glide and deodorant, my FIT (Friends in Training) tank top and running shorts, and finally my Mizuno running shoes with my bright pink breast cancer laces from Micah and Anthony. Then I headed to Ft. Lauderdale to start my day!

Still dark and so stoked!
I will run my 1st 1/2 marathon today!!!!
13.1 miles! Holy Moly!
Never in my life have I ran that far!
And the last 6 weeks training has been slim to none!
Gonna try to stick with the interval training I was doin.
3:1 3 min running, then 1 min walking fast!
It's hard but very doable!
My body is very weak and may not want to do this but my mind is strong and I am determined and declared it so therefore I am gonna do it!
What I declare and want with all my soul will happen! Law of Attraction baby! Its science!!

So I bring it on the asphalt.
"You are getting a beating today! by not only me but 2,989 other strong amazing people!"

6:13 the horn blows after the national anthem was sang as the moon shone in the black sky!
As soon as I cross the starting line the jog begins.  Need to stay on pace! Not too much at the start! HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ups and downs.
Thoughts drifting in and out. I think about music...
I sing "Somebody call 911...shorty fire burnin on the dance floor...whoa!"
and..."Get yo hands up..Party Rock is in the house tonight, everyone is gonna have a good time...SHAKE THAT...everyday I'm shuffling..."
Makes me wanna dance so I think I bust a few moves and sing a few tunes while runnin! lol!
I look good running next to this 83 year old in a Santa Hat! lol

Then the last two miles....UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
I had friends, Rocco, Allison, Jorge, Sandra, Mom, Anthony, the boys, they were all there to cheer me on! It helped! I got a second wind!
My muscles were still cramping and throbbing and about to give out!
It hurt to walk, to run, to stretch, but I just going!
I tried to keep my mind off of my body!
Music..my to do list...try to leave your body physically...
DIDN'T WORK!
OUCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Then Sandra came and ran the last mile with me! She had already finished and came and found me to run more...crazy lady!
"I wanna make it under 3 hours!" I say.
"If you run the rest of the way you can!" She said looking at her watch!
"OK! That's it! Bring it on bitches!"
And off I went.
I see the finish line in the distance!
I give it all I have! EVERYTHING!
I push hard!
I pick up my pace!
UNDER 3 DAMN IT!
As I cross the finish line I almost collapse. I get my medal around my neck and loose my mind! TEARS!
Anthony was getting choked up to! I could see in his eyes how proud he was of me! My heart melts!
I made it in 2:58:58!
Unbelievable!
My body was done. I collapse to the ground!
I NEED to stretch and get ice!
Medical tent here is come!
I love my medal!

I am truly so proud of myself.
I declared it and I did it! Cancer and chemo can kiss my ass!

The next day, Monday, was chemo sesh #3 and our meeting with the psychologist Dr. Kumar.
Chemo went good but another long day!
Dr. Kumar was great too. He gave me some ideas on how to deal with my anxiety.  Breathing exercises that will help with sleeping and panic attacks I have been having!
He also suggested acupuncture, which I have been hearing helps cancer patients a lot!
But whoa...needles all over my body?!
I guess I do have 5 tattoos so this may not be THAT bad!? lol
So that will be in the cards very soon!

Took awhile to recover from the big run Sunday!
Nails turned black and blue. and I think they may fall off! Chemo and running 7 million miles is not a good combo.  So because I have to look at them everyday I am going to give you the privilege to see one! lol
The pic doesn't do it justice!

Hahahahahhaha. That funny! Sorry if you hate feet! lol!

Tuesday I took the last $200 from the Jessica fund and wanted to spoil my family! It was Uncle Ryan birthday so I made reservations to get paddle board lessons for the four of us to go. My mom, Anthony, Ryan and I!
It was AMAZING!
Anthony fell about 123456432345678576575345 times. hahah ok not that bad but he finally got the hang of it!
My mom was the only one who never fell in! Go Lela! =)
None of them seemed to excited to go but then when we were out there with the sun in our face, on the water, with all of the fish and birds and wildlife....they loved it!
They were very thankful!
The experience of trying something new is so great and rewarding!

I think the 1/2 marathon gave me inspiration to just get out there and live life out loud...even more than I do now!
Life is too short.
Make beautiful, fun days happen.
Excuses can control your whole life if you let them!
How about you let what will inspire you control your life!
Sounds way more fun to me!
So what's next on my bucket list!
I think surfin and scuba lessons!
HELL TO THE YEAH!
Grandma Pat left on Wed and it was really hard on me! I hate when family leaves!
And Wed and Thurs seem to consistently be my really bad days from chemo! Ick!
I feel like I got hit by the Titanic or that crazy out of control train in the movie Unstoppable!
So I sleep, lay in bed, and try not to feel sorry for myself!

But as the weekend approaches I always feel better and need to be social with the world!
So this weekend I did....

Went to the mall where I was approached by a psychic reader.
She said, "I was called over to you and I need to do a reading on you! Something major is going on in your life because of a negative energy that someone put on you and it needs to be released in order for you to deal with life right now! I can help you! I usually charge $80 but will do it for $20.  What is with the letter J"
Whoa lady. that a lot of info in one sentence! But ok....I agreed cuz it had peaked my interest and hey maybe I am a sucker! lol!
But when she started talking it was in circles and very generic.
"Have you ever been disappointed in your life?"
"Someone is very jealous of you!"
"Something happened to you in the past that is causing this negative energy to manifest in your body!"
Blah blah blah!
So I gave her only $10 for her time and said, "I feel no connection with you and I will not be paying the other $100 for you to do the meditation and "fix" me!
She also had the audacity to say I was a negative person!
I laughed because I think I am a pretty big powerhouse when it comes to optimism in my life!
I told her I Live A Life I Love and walked away!

But ever since then I keep thinking about her and what she said. Grrrr!
But 2 healers have told me I need to release something to heal!?
What is it!?
If I can not place it or remember it then why should I try to dig up something that is probably not even there!?
This is perplexing me!
Yet it is still boggling my mind!
I just need to let it go. What people say should have no effect on how happy I am.
I am really trying to practice this.
The choice between anger and happiness is always there, it's just a matter of revealing there is a choice and choosing happiness!
That easy!

This week I have been in tune with the small things, silly faces and all......

"Mommy, we are going to be together forever!" Micah said one night before bed!

Ugh that feeling right there! The one of true happiness, true bliss, that's what life is all about! Those moments!
That is how I want to feel 100% of the time! My new goal! lol!
May need to up my Xanax prescription! lol JUST KIDDING!

Mason started to walk this week and is saying Mama!

Melts my heart with his wide open mouth make out kisses! Ugh! Like Butta!

My mom holding my hand in the car on the way home from chemo today as we listen to Martina McBride sing "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" We were both crying because we love each other so much and she says to me, "I love you! I am so glad we are so alike!" lol Made me laugh! Cuz we totally are! It's a little scary!
Watch this when you can! Such a great song! Please watch the whole thing! It would mean a lot to me!

http://youtu.be/WxIt70j_SPk


I am gonna learn it on the guitar and sing it! Video to come!
Thanks Aunt Kim and Cuz Hollie for the suggestion! Even though it makes me cry!
Lets see if I can sing it without crying! =)

Chemo chemo chemo...here's a little what it looks like if you have never seen the insides of a cancer killing venue.....
                                         My port plugged in to the IV pumpin in the craziness..

The pumps that regulate the rate of drip.....

The back of the center where all the chairs are and chemo happens...

My foot on my pump, chillaxin with my fav booties and blanket on....

The reassuring signs are everywhere...LOVE IT!

I had a massage today during chemo and she asked if I had an hobbies. She said that my anxiety is because the right side of my brain is on overload and I need to compensate and use the left side more which is the creative side. I need to use that side to balance me out!
It made so much sense to me!
I need my music in my life!
I need to sing!
I need to play my guitar!
Maybe even bust out the saxophones! =)
I am willing to try anything to help this crazy roller coaster ride going on in my brain!

And finally the issue of my hair!
So yesterday, Sunday, Micah and I went to Mastercuts to get our hair cut!
He went first and did great after a little bribery of going over to his BFF's house after he was done! lol

That's before!

And during! How cute is he!
And he got his reward......

And then it was my turn! I got a short pixie cut..kinda lesbo...my G girls even agree...one even asked me on a date! lol! Too funny!
But I kinda like it! Very rock start!
Here's before and after!

But tonight in the shower with lots of tears I decided tomorrow is the day to shave it off.
It is coming out in chunks!

No BUENO!
So I called one of my BFF's Nikki to see if she will come and hold m y hand in the am and she's rolling over.
Anthony wants him and Micah to shave it!
I will take a video and post it soon!
So good night hair! I will miss you!
Enjoy your last night on mi cabesa!

Sorry this was kinda a long one! I will keep future posts a little less wordy! lol!
xoxo
Love you all!

Jessica Carmen

Day 46

Day 46

Thursday!
Hop in the shower.
Think to myself, "OK, this is the day my hair is gonna start fallin out!'
I wash...nothing.
I condition...nothing.
EVERYDAY I think it's gonna start coming out.
The Dr. said for sure between weeks 2 and 3.
It may be nice to run my half marathon in 3 days with no hair. Or would it?!?!?!
I might fry the top of my egg shaped head.
It's gonna be pretty cue ball lookin!
Maybe I will be one of the lucky ones to not loose it?
Not that I'm impatient for it to be gone, it's just strange not knowing when and if it's gonna happen!
I keep tuggin it a bit to see if it comes out! lol
I think I am gonna video record Micah shaving it off....when it happens!
So that will be something to look forward to watching! =)

But for now I will continue to twist my hair like I have been doing since I was two!
Those of you that know me well know that's what I do! lol!
xo

Day 45

Day 45

Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory
Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory....
I started the day off with a familiar song.
The boys love it and Micah sings along with me!
Mason dances every time I sing!
I love that my boys love music!

It's another beautiful day in South Florida.
Sun is shinning.
Boys are happy.
Anthony has the day of...well after he "runs" in for four hours! lol!

Around 11 am I received a phone call from a close friend.
"I don't want to bother you and be selfish cuz I know you have a lot on your mind but I need a little of you and your positivity in my life right now! Can we do lunch?"
She's crying!
I am feeling physically great so I told her I wold love to come and meet her!
Grandma Pat said she would watch the boys till Anthony got home so with a song, a shower and some make-up I was off.
Lunch was great!
I cheered up my friend!
She said she felt bad for calling but to be honest it felt really good talking about someone else's stuff besides my own!
And I told her that!
I miss my friends needing me.
These days it seems to be all the other way around!
I am still me. I still love being there for my peeps!
She gave me a couple of blonde wigs her mother had used before she pasted away from cancer last year.
Yay now all I need is an afro wig and I will have all the colors and styles I want! lol!

Then off to run some errands!
1st I stop at a Nutrition Store on Atlantic Ave.
I looked very lost and the guy behind the counter totally called me out!
"Can I help you find something? You look lost!"
" Well I guess I'll try a shot of wheat grass or something!"

We get into a conversation about wheat grass and I tell him about my cancer and my new juicer and my new diet and he gave me a shot on the house! =)
Then I left with a $23 huge box of wheat grass!
Nasty tasting stuff but very very good for me!

Almost looks to pretty to juice! =)

then off to another little store I love to shop at on Atlantic.
They sell crystals and incense and all kinds of fun stuff!

I bought myself a Malachite stone.
It's a powerful, healing stone to heal the heart as well as the body.
It absorbs negative energies and cleanses auric fields and balances whoever wears it!
I also got a new clump of dried white sage to burn and smudge the house. This removes all negative energies as well.
Positivity is gonna flourish in our house!

After errands i picked up Anthony and Micah who had walked to the park to play a bit and we headed to the library to pick up some new books!
Lil man loves when we read to him!
He wanted lion books because I bought him The Lion King and now he says, "I am obsessed with lions!"

So about 9 books later we head home!

The tiredness starts to creep in but see.....this chemo thing ain't too shabby! =)
Another good day!

Day 44

Day 44

Tuesday!
Feel great today!
Woke up refreshed and put on my running shoes
It's been over a week since I ran and need to pound some pavement.
"Anthony get dressed. You are coming with me!"
Not sure he was really up for it but he came anyway!
i wanted him with in case my body was deceiving me and not up for a run!
But we did it!
Almost four miles! running 3:1 intervals.
Run 3 min.
Walk 1 min.
Chemo def makes running harder but its manageable!
5 days till my half-marathon.
I am gonna do this!

Then I played with the boys a bit!
See.....crazy mama is still here!

Then Micah Man wanted to take a hot tub!
Kid loves them more than I do!
And that's a lot....especially after a run!
Awwww.
So we hit up the hot tub with Grandma Pat!
Then nap, rest time and a chill rest of the day!

Day 43

Day 43

Chemotherapy session #2!
Anthony's turn to stay with the boys at home!
JoAnn and momma wanted to come with me.
Appt was at 9:15 am.
They did labs to make sure my white blood counts were ok to have chemo.
Then there was a lot of sitting around.
I got VERY impatient!
This waiting for chemo really boils my already boiling chops!
I mean come on!
Make an anxious RHINO more anxious is NOT a good idea!
Steer clear!
So pacing began!
I finally asked, "Is it my turn yet?"
They say, "Well after labs you go right back to the chemo room!"
Are you kidding me? Why the hell would you not tell me that!
So we went to the back around 11:30!
I stood there for a couple of minutes lookin like a lost pissed off RHINO!
Then asked a nurse, "What do I do?"
She says, "Pick a chair!"
WTH
Ok. So I pick a chair and proceed to sit there for 30 more minutes!
They explain they have a new computer system and only two nurses on staff.
I explain I have MAJOR anxiety, it's only my second time having chemo and I still have no clue what I am doing!!!!

Then I finally get prepped and plugged in.
Awww drugs!

JoAnn had to leave for the airport after about a half hour!
SAD!
But then we pick up my Grandma Pat from the airport as soon as I finished chemo!
I LOVE having my family here to help!
We all do!

Leaving chemo I felt great! All smiles in the back of the convertible!!! =)
In full Grandma Pat fashion she comes bearing gifts!
The boys got new Toy Story PJ's!
Matching...soooo cute...

And I got four handmade hats and 3 more comfy blankets for me or others I meet along the journey!

She definitely knows how to sew with love!

And my cousin Heidi sent along some shirts she had made for the boys....ADORABLE!

BOYS HOPE TOO!

Ok time for some sleepy time tea.....off to bed early!

Day 41 & 42

Day 41 & 42

The weekend was good! No not good GREAT!

Girl time, lots of girl talk, lots of wine, some awful chick flicks, some garage sales, park time, and we even got to go out for dinner sans kiddos!
Two bottles of La Cream Pinot Nior and some amazing seafood at City Fish Market from my hubby we headed home to put the boys to bed!
As I was putting PJ's on Mason he kept rolling over.
My mom and JoAnn try to help.
We can't stop laughing!
"How many drunk girls does it take to dress a baby?"
Well we weren't drunk but it sure was the funniest thing going on in the whole world at that time!
I think I peed myself just a little bit!
(Which doesn't take much after two kids!)

So laughter, love, support, and family is what made my weekend perfect!
Hey JoAnn..."Every body's Fine"! lol

And I forgot to mention I started doing Yoga this week!
My mom, JoAnn, and I went to a session with my friend and teacher Sara on the beach Sunday am from 8:45 to 10!
IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mind cleared, my soul centered, my body renewed, my energy restored.
the ocean, the sun, the breeze, the power of breathe and positive thinking!
Awwwwww!
NAMASTE!

Day 40

Day 40

Friday.
JoAnn came today!
One of my mom's BFF's.
One of my BFF's, Jena's, momma.
She's like a momma to me!
She was one of the first people I called when i found out about my cancer.
JoAnn is a four year survivor of breast cancer.
A fighter, an inspiration, a shoulder to cry on, a nurse, a river of knowledge...
She has been a rock for me!
Every cancer patient needs a survivor, someone who has been through it, to talk to, bounce questions off of, and get reassurances from!
My experience is way different than hers but she knows how I am feeling.
She doesn't feed me BS or sugar coat things when I need the truth.
She tells me it's gonna suck and hurt and she knows why and how, but at the same time she says it's doable!

I LOVE that she came to stay for the weekend!
Tickets to Florida are not cheap from Minnesota!
It means the world to me that she is here!
MAMA JOJO ROCKS MY WORLD!!

Day 39

Day 39

Slept last night finally!
yay!
Feelin like a new day, a new chance to smile, a new attitude has come into my life!
Still tired but better than yesterday by far!
It's hour by hour!
Took a nap next to my Micah Man.
Watched him sleep.
I used to think that was a creepy thing to do but now it's one of my fav things in the world!
Such sweet innocence on a sleeping child's face.
Melts me to the core!
Tonight my friend Liz set up a Santa photo shoot benefit for me at a local farmers market.
People pay $20 to take a pic with Santa and then they can order prints and cards from her. $20 goes to my medical bills and she gets business in the process...Double Whammy! =)
We went to get some pics done.
Micah was stoked.
Mason freaked and bawled.
Super scared of the man behind the beard! lol
I swear all babies hate Santa!
Can't wait to see how the pics turned out.

Then we took a trip to Whole Foods.
This is when my day turned sour!
I was checkin out the "fake" cheese section and saw a lady picking up some vegan rice cheese.
I ask, "Is that actually good?"
"It's great! My kids love it! Are you vegan?"
"Just started about a month ago! It's pretty hard but it's going pretty good so far!"
"Why did you switch?"
"I was diagnosed with breast cancer and immediately changed my diet to no dairy and no meat!"
"Good for you! have you ever heard of Hippocrates?"

In fact I had.
It is a naturalistic healing center in West Palm Beach I have been meaning to go visit.
I have heard amazing things about it!
I tell this woman all of this and that I had started chemo on Monday and she was appalled!
I can usually let what people say slide off my back but she got right underneath my skin and stabbed my heart with her words.
I was so sad!
"YOU NEED TO STOP CHEMO!!! Everyone I have known that did chemo is no longer here. You NEED to go to this place and do a tour! STOP CHEMO!! My husband is a Dr. and I know it's a valid business but listen to me! I would NEVER do chemo!"

And on and on she went...
She kept stalking me through the isles of the grocery store.
I had to leave without finishing my list!
I paid, brought my bags to the car, loaded this kids in their seats, got in the front seat and....LOST IT!!!!!!

Crying soooo hard I was hyperventilating!

Then an angel answered my prayers and my brother called me! He talked me out of my stupor and told me that lady was a #%$&%^ moron!
Not very nice but made me feel better! lol!

I had been warned people were going to say things and I have dealt with many people advice and opinions but she cut me to the core!
I felt like she told me, you are going to die because you are choosing to do chemo!
It felt awful!
the what if's came floating back!

But as if God knew I needed some lovin, Micah and Mason both wanted to wrestle and snugglebug with me before bed!
So I am off to dream land with smiles and warm thoughts of my boys and that if the world ended tonight, I would die one HAPPY MOMMY!!!

xo

Day 38

Day 38

Wednesday.
Rough day!
Can't move!
Can't get out of bed!
Sooooo tired!
Just want to cry all day!

On my mastermind call today with my close Landmark friends I made a declaration.
I declared to just be in pure acceptance.
Accept all the love being given to me with out guilt or shame.
Accept my disease with out blame.
Accept my life as perfect and imperfect as it is right now!

What resists, persists.
I surrender to the magic of being alive today and will let it encompass me!
I surrender to the feelings and emotions of living this exceptional life for that is what helps me feel alive!
Anger, sadness, guilt...
Mixed with joy, love, gratitude.

This is me trying to communicate all of the craziness in my head.
It's hard to express just how I feel but just know that within all of the craziness and chaos, HOPE still overpowers it all!

Day 37

Day 37

Day after chemo!
Tuesday!
Need to sleep.
Lay down.
Need to clean.
Get up and clean.
Need to sleep.
Lay down.
Need to clean.
Get up and clean.
"What's up crazy crack head lady?"
"Chemo brain make you feel crazy?!"
Wow I kinda feel all strung out and aggressive.
I am so tired but all I can think about is cleaning.
It's like nesting for a preggers but I'm a nesting chemo patient!
MUST HAVE A CLEAN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!
lol

So not too bad today!
Look a little lobster like because I'm so red and couldn't sleep AT ALL last night but no nausea or headaches.
None of the crazy side effects, knock on wood!
And the Doc says that these side effects could mainly be from the steroids i was on.
So this may not be too shabby!
Just gotta keep swiggin smart water and eatin my vegan grub and tryin to rest, rest, rest!

Day 36 CHEMO

Day 36

36 days after the phone call that changed my life, I finally get to start attacking this shit in my body!
Over a month of it just sitting there, getting bigger, possibly spreading to other parts of my body!
And FINALLY I can start killing it!
Murder she wrote!
Kind of appropriate that it's Halloween today!
Boo cancer....I know I scare the shit out of you!
So in typical Jessica fashion I had to dress up in costume!
It was a tough decision but I ended up stealing some stuff from Micah's dress up drawer and created a pretty cute pirate get-up!

Dirty face and all, Anthony and I headed to Hollywood to get me plugged in!
I brought some "treats", well fresh baked banana bread, for the nurses to make sure they got some Halloween goodies and maybe for a little brown nosing!
It's always good to be on the nurses good side!
Extra "love" can come in many forms! Warm blankets, more attention, better drugs...lol!

So we show up at 9:00 am.
They let me know it won't be too long before a chemo chair is available!
"But I was supposed to see Dr. Perez before chemo. I CAN'T start chemo with out seeing her!"
I panicked!
So we sat in the waiting room, then in a private room for the next hour and a half.
10:30 we finally see the Dr.
By this time I am a wreck!
I have paced the room about a million times and started crying about 20 times.
Nerves, anxiety, stress.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Too much!
I had been waiting for results from my lymph node biopsies and pelvic MRI for a week and needed to know results!
HAS MY CANCER SPREAD?!?!?!

After a few minutes of checking her notes the Doc says...
"Lymph nodes appear to be clear of cancer. The biopsies came back negative.  We will still take a closer look during surgery!"
"And the pelvic MRI showed no signs of ovarian cancer! There was just one spot that appears to be a benign cyst."

Can a sister get an AMEN!?!?
A HALLELUJAH!?!?!
A THANK THE LORD ABOVE!!!!!!??!?!?!
I hugged Anthony so hard my port almost popped out and my boob started throbbing but damn was I happy!
Hard hugs hurt but I was in celebration mode! =)

Ok now bring on the chemo!
Still nervous!
Couldn't stop bouncing my leg, twisting my hair, grinding my teeth...you name it!
I just didn't know what to expect!
How was it going to feel?
How was my body going to react?

So we move to the back of the clinic...the chemo section.
I got my chair and Ant got his spot next to my throne!
He was the one who looked like the chemo patient....lol bald, snuggled up with wires all around him.
I asked, "Did you dress up as a chemo patient for Halloween?!"
Not very politically correct but I thought it was funny!

My nurse Carrie, whom I adore, wheels over her cart of goodies with lit up X-mas tree lights all over it!
She lists all the stuff I am going to be injected with...
Prilosec, Zophran, Benedryll, Adivan, the list went on.....
Holy drug lord.
(Maybe I will make her a new name tag. Carrie the Drug Lord)
I really loved her after my second round of Adivan.  Totally chill. No more nerves!
So the IV just plugged right into the port in my chest.
Could barley even feel it.
Was pretty anticlimactic.
Was a lot less scary than I had anticipated...kind of like when I re watched the movie IT by Stephen King as an adult...just not very scary!

The only downfall was that i had a slight allergic reaction.  Every time they tried to turn the drip faster my back hurt so they had to slow it back down and administer it very slow!
Anthony and I both fell asleep and next thing ya know it was 4:00 and Nurse Carrie the Drug Lord was waking us up.

Then home sweet home we drove.
I went to bed.
Daddy took Micah Trick-Or-Treating with his best friend Andrew!

Hope everyone had a fun safe Halloween!

xoxoxo

Day 35

Day 35

Start chemo tomorrow.
Drinking lots of fluids.
Starting my steroids to decrease allergic reactions to chemo.
Only need to take these the 1st week thankfully.
Make me feel all crazy like! lol
Tucked my boys in extra tight tonight!
God bless their little souls and protect them!
xo

Day 34

Day 34

Spent a great Saturday with the kiddos.
Kidfest in Delray Beach.
Costumes, candy, parade, friends, and food!
Love days like this!

Day 33

Day 33

No hospitals today!
Thought I was gonna get results from the second biopsy and MRI but not a word!
Wonder if that's a bad or good thing!?
Guess I'll just have to wait till Monday!

My friend Sandra is taking over the Organizer Role from me for our mommy group, The Real Moms of Palm Beach County!
So she came over today and I gave her the 411 and handed over the reigns!
Have to let that go while in chemo...too much to deal with on top of everything else even though I loved it!
Still gonna be kickin it in the group!

Then got me a massage!
Didn't realize how much I needed it until I walked out feeling like a million bucks!
Thanks to my mommy friends for the gift card for my birthday!
xo

Day 32

Day 32

Thursday!
3 appointments today!
Mom and Anthony came with me!
Mom wanted to meet Dr. Perez.
When we get there we realized we didn't need to do labs or met with the Doc but she came out and met my mom anyway!
She also gave me permission to run my half marathon (yay!) ans also gave me a script for Xanax to help with my nerves and sleeping issues!

Then we all trucked over to have my Pelvic MRI.
That was much easier than the breast MRI..thank God!

Then we went to cardio cath lab to have my port site checked!  Bandages came off and everything looked great!

Easy day at the hospital!
=)