Day 8

Day 8

10-3-20011

today was a rough day.
woke up with a huge stress migraine.
shoulders hurt.
brain throbbing.
depressed.
guilt.
guilt.
guilt.
ant has been getting up every night with mason.
mom has been feeding, watching, changing, entertaining the boys.
"mom...i feel soooooooooo guilty." i can barely get it out between sobs.
"no need for guilt. this was probably planned before we were even born. i am her and able and willing to help now. just breathe and accept it."
now..if you don't have the utmost pleasure of knowing my totally kick butt momma, you are truly missing out.
she is my light, my sanity, my mentor, my best friend!
she has taught me right from wrong, left from right.
she has taught me to see light in everything and everyone around us.
she has taught me that i am an amazing person and that i can be and do anything in this world...
including winning this battle over cancer.
we are blessed...more than blessed to be living with her right now...
talk about divine intervention!
the day after i found out i had cancer this is what the card said that she gave me.....


More Than My Daughter

the first time i held you in my arms,
i never wanted to let you go.
i knew that very moment
my heart would forever be intertwined with yours.

it was easy to hold tight when you were a child.
i wanted to protect you from the
threatening menaces of the world around you.
but i knew that i would soon have to loosen my grip.

you'll never know how hard it was
for me to release my grasp
and let you venture off on your own
even though my fingers let go, my heart never did

as you dance with passion and zeal
to the beat of your own heart
you have grown into a magnificent woman
developing strength and resilience, wit and wisdom
you walk confidently
in the direction of your own dreams

you have become so much more than my daughter...
you are a woman i am honored to know
you are my heart, my soul,
my love, my joy.
you are my friend.
-suzy toronto

then she wrote
"Jessica, This will all be alright and we will get through it swiftly. You are so strong and I know that you are creating greatness, health, and abundance for your beautiful life of love! I love you honey! Mom"


talk about a tear jerker! she's too good! =)

i wish i could just pay her to be our nanny so she could quit looking for a new job...especially the ones in canada and the u.k....not that she would take those now anyway!


get a call from memorial.
next 2 appts set up for friday.
8:00 am radiology consult for possible new ultra sound scans and mammogram.
1:00 pm pet/ct scan to check the rest of my body for cancer.

"who's gonna come with me? anthony has to work and moms out of town?"
"everyone has kids and no one will be able to come with me?"

i freak out.
"I DON"T WANNA GO ALONE!"
crying.

allison finally text and said she was coming.
her boss gave her the day off.
thanks boss man.
relief.

gotta get out of this house.
this moping around is even driving me crazy.
snap out of it sister.

before i leave i watch Fork Over Knives (which i highly recommend to everyone!)
food documentary.
get completely motivated to start my plant based diet.
thanks nicole!
read some of my whole foods cookbook and marked a bunch of recipes.

then off we go....Whole Foods!

this is gonna be hard!
I LOVE ME SOME STEAK!!!
i am a meat and tatortot hotdish kinda gal.
i mean...come on....i grew up in minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes and 1,000,000,000 crockpots.
what the hell am i gonna eat?

but i have to do it.
gonna create an environment where cancer just doesn't stand a chance.
anthony even watched the movie and loved it.
he is even gonna diet with me.
didn't see that coming.
i mean "hello" he is a chef?!?!
he really is the most supportive best hubby around!

so here's to no dairy and meat.
yummm.....plants. lol
wish me luck.

so $200 later and a really full cart, we head home.

as soon as we step in the door my friend paula drops off a HUGE box of food made by the mommies of another mommy group i just joined.
they got together a huge goodie box of meals for the week.
sooo amazing. i am in awe.
i don't even know a lot of these woman.
people really are...well. do i dare say my fav word again....AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i eat some salad and veggie bean chili.
it was delish.
super impressed.
so with a full belly and a full heart...

i say good night world.

i love you.