Day 31

Day 31

No appointments today!
YIPEEE!!!!!
And Anthony has the day off.
So he went to the golf course to shoot a 89!
(Don't tell him I told you! He was not happy about that! lol!)
But then in the afternoon my good friend Felicia offered to do a family photo shoot with us before I loose my hair!
It went awesome!
She works magic in a very short amount of time!
Her website is http://feliciagwenblog.com/
She wrote a blog about us called Live A Life You Love!
And all of the pics are there!
Here are a few she sent me so far!

Don't think she could have done a better job capturing us as a fam!
Go check the rest out.  We even have some with my mom! <3

After the shoot we went to the playground and played and there was a Halloween event so Micah got more candy....just what he needs!
Kid on CRACK at the playground!
SLOW YOUR ROLL CHILD!
Then we ended the evening with a Carousel ride.
The man behind the controls was hootin and hollerin like I have never heard someone before.
"Hi Princess!"
"Ride'um cowboy!"
"Naaahhhh (that was a horse noise if you didn't get that! lol)"
"Weeeee!"
At first I totally judged him.  Weirdo...I thought to myself.
Who let this guy be in charge of a little kids ride!
But then I realized all the kids loved it! And the adults were all getting the biggest kick out of him.
Felicia's husband Tony admitted he took a video of him a couple weeks ago and him and Felicia watch it at home to laugh!
Then I let go of my prejudgements about him and thought....wow he is spreading so much joy in this world and doesn't give a shit about what people think about him!
If the world was more like him happiness would flourish!
Love and laughter would fill the air way more than it does now!
I was quick to be freaked out by the "freak" but then again I guess people probably think that about me sometimes!
I am loud and obnoxious and don't care if people think I'm straight from the straight jacket!
So here's to living life out loud, letting go of the judgements we are so quick to form, and just enjoying the moment and laughing with passion!
Love you ALL!!!!

Day 30

Day 30

Tuesday.
Biopsy #2 day.
This biopsy of the lymph nodes hurt worse than the 1st biopsy.
I didn't take any pain meds today and feel better.
Even ate Subway!!!!!
$5 footlong has never tasted so tasty.
That may have been overdoin it but damn is was delish!
Halloween is creepin up soon.
I usually love to get creative and very unique costumes but not this year.
(See pic of Micah when he was Manny Paquiao!)

Target-boutique here we come.
I told Micah if he was nice to his little brother that he could pick out whatever costume he wanted!
Drumroll........Optimus Prime Transformer!
Autobots roll out!
Good choice little dude!

And Mason got a monkey costume that may end in over-heating in the Florida sun but at least I can get some cute pics and he looks adorable! lol

The second we got home Micah tried on his costume.
three seconds later he dropped kicked Mason in the head because Transformers fight!
Oh no what did I get myself into!
"Ok take it off. I told you to be nice to Mason!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I"M SORRRRRRRRY! I'll be NIIIICCCCCCCCEEEEE!!!"

So I ripped it off and on top of the fridge it sits.
If time-outs aren't working, lets steal the kids fav things for punishment!
I am such a mean mommy! lol!

Needless to say he was crabby the rest of the night and passed out on my bed watching Olivia at 7:301 Nite crabby pants! But mommy loves you! Kisses!

Day 29

Day 29

Monday.
Sick day.
Again. Ugh!
think these pain meds are makin me sick too.
Can't eat.
Throwing p.
What's wrong with me?
I just want to play with my kids.
I just want to feel better.
This roller coaster ride is just beginning but I want it to end!

Day 28

Day 28

Felt great today!

ANTHONY HAD OFF!

We giddy up'd to the Sunlife Stadium to watch the Dolphins lose!
0-6
Guess it could be worse...oh wait! lol!
Oh well! It was sooo much fun even if our team blows!
Tailgate, beer and football with my love...who could ask for a better Sunday?!

Day 27

Day 27

Today was garage sale day!

Melissa and some of my other mommy friends threw me a huge benefit garage sale.

IT WAS A HIT!!!!!!!!!

They raised us $2000 to pay off some of our deductible!

UNREAL!

I have never heard of a garage sale so successful!

I love my friends so much!

My support system continues to wow me and man do they kick some royal butt!

xo

Day 26

Day 26

Viernes.

10-21-11

Still feel awful.

Stopping the Percocet.

Chemo training today.

Holy moly.

There is A LOT to know!

5 different medications plus new pain pill.

Need to stock up on tons of stuff like vitamin B6, laxatives and Imodium just in case, new toothpaste, tooth brush, makeup, salt H20 rinse (to prevent mouth sores), and that is just part of my list.

Can't be around anything that could have old bacteria!

Taxol will be once a week for about 2-3 hours each session.

This is for the 1st 3 months!

3 months seems like forever.

My head is spinning.

Good thing I have a cheat sheet to read and mom and Ant came with me.

Chemo has many side effects but everyone reacts different.

Wonder how my body is gonna take this?

Also got the PET/CT scan results today.

Body was clear accept for my ovaries.

They see some "action" in them.

Nurse said it could be because I am young and actively menstruating but they need to do another test...a pelvic MRI!

ANOTHER TEST?

UGH!

I think I better get used to being poked and prodded!

Day 25

Day 25

Thursday.

October 20th.

Feel Horrid!

Can't eat.

Can't sleep.

Feel like a 400 lb man is sitting on my chest.

Puked twice today.

Whoever said this was easy must be smoking some good stuff....share please!

PET?CT scan today.

Not much poking with this test...went ok.

They gave me some radioactive garbage, let me sleep an hour, then put me in the big machine for 40 minutes.

Not bad!

Day 24

Day 24

Crazy day!

Everyone said getting your port inserted into your chest was a breeze.

For me that was not the case.

Got there around 8:00 am.

Paperwork.....again.

Blood drawn....again.

Blood pressure...again...a strong 115 over 73!

See..I'm healthy! =)

Then I slip into my sexy robe and hot cap and sit and wait!

Anthony is holding my hand and trying to snuggle with me on the gurney!

I think he was just jealous I got to lay down! LOL!

He was a wee bit tired!

then an entourage of snazzy looking young male nurses came and swept me away!

"Bye honey! Looks like I will be in GREAT hands!" hehehe

Off to the room we go.

I made small talk then told them all about an email i had received from a friend. It was a picture of a woman wearing a plastic bra filled with margaritas charging men $10 a minute to take a swig from her nipples!

They laughed.

Then we chatted about Tosh 4.0 the TV show they they drugged me!

Out!

Wake up and well don't really remember much of that part of my day!

A wee bit fuzzy!

Just know I managed to get on the wheel chair and get rolled over to my MUGA scan in the nuclear radiology dept because the authorization finally came in for that test.

So needless to say I was a HOT MESS during this test!

Not quite with it!

They tried to poke my arm and draw blood 3 times.

Then they had to mix my blood with the radioactive garbage and put it back in my vein!

When the not so good at her job nurse tried to perform this task she missed the vein and it swelled up in my wrist and hurt like HELL!!!!!!!!

The Doc gave me a warm compress.

That did nothing!

Then a different nurse came and gave me more radioactive garbage the right way in my vein so it would circulate in my body and the test would work correctly!

An hour later I was done.

It was awful!

During my test Anthony had received a call saying that I needed to do an ultrasound since I was here in the hospital. The MRI I had just had a couple days prior showed two swollen lymph nodes and they needed a closer look.

After the ultrasound we left!

On the way home they called and told me that they are going to have to biopsy the lymph nodes to test for cancerous cells.

Soooo many tests.

I feel abused!

I feel sick!

Percocet makes me feel awful!

We got home around 6:30 and I was in bed at 7!

Day 23

Day 23

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Have I mentioned I hate insurance?

Sat at the hospital all day today with out being able to be seen.

Needed an authorization from the insurance company to do my MUGA heart scan and it never came in.

Let's hope I can still get my port inserted tomorrow!

Still no authorization for that yet either!

Fingers crossed!

Day 22

Day 22

Monday.
Sugar daddy had to go back to work.
Mom came to the hospital with me today.
Kate babysat boys.
Think I am gonna need to use my mommy friends a lot for watching Micah and Mason.
My girls will be here for me anytime I need them.
1st Dr. appointment was just to do some blood work.
Then MRI.
That was no picnic.
Couldn't move a muscle for 30 minutes.
Got dizzy and panicky at first.
The nurse brought me headphones.
Music always makes me feel better.
Was great until LMFAO came on and all I wanted to do was dance or even just tap my toe neither of which I was allowed to do.
It's like being at a karaoke bar and being sick with no voice...#1 on my pet peeve list!!!
But they said I did great.
Results should be in Wednesday.
So today has been good so far.
Gonna try a new recipe from new Vegan cookbook for din-din!
Stuffed butternut squash with wild rice and spinach.
Sounds delish.
Let's hope it turns out!

Peace!
xo

Day 21

Day 21

7:00 am comes way too fast.
Sleepwalking on the train.
Airport.
Plane.
Turbulance I hate you.
Gonna be sick.
Anthony looks like I beat him up! lol
We are the classiest couple in the airport by far!
Hangover's blow!
Home sweet home.
7:30 pm.
Time for bed.

Day 20

Day 20

A day of celebrating life!
My last hoorah before chemo!
Drank belini's with brunch and kept cheersing all day till the wee hours of the night!
Finished the evening by singing Let it Be by The Beatles with Kristina and Val at the tops of our lungs in the kitchen!
Friends let my heart soar!
Release me from stress!
Ease my soul!
Then everyone but Val and I went to sleep.
Val broke down.
Tears came.
Fears came.
I realize for the first time that there are times where this is just as hard and maybe even harder for those close to me.
It makes me feel good that she is crying because it shows me how much she loves me but at the same time my heart breaks a little!
I feel like I should cry.
I can't.
It's a weird feeling.
I feel like that a lot actually.
Like I should cry.
Like it's politically correct.
Like if I don't people will think I am cold and not feel connected.
Is that strange?
I just feel strong most of the time.
I mean don't get me wrong...I definitely have my moments when I can't stop it from spewing out of me.
But the prayers must be working.
I feel pretty good most of the time.
Thanks to all of my friends, family, and those I have never even met for the ease you are bringing to my mind.
Now I pray for my friends and family to have peace.
Good night!

Day 19 1st Day with Medical Oncologist

Day 19

Met Dr. Perez today!
My medical oncologist.
I LOVE HER!!!
I gave her a huge hug as soon as she walked in the door.

"Nobody has ever given me a hug right away! This is a first!" she said with a smile!
"Thank you for taking me on as a patient! I am so grateful!"
"We are going to take care of you!"
And I knew I was meant to be in her care!
I never felt rushed or felt like I was asking dumb questions.
Pure comfort!
Anthony agrees.
We love her!
The breakdown is that next week we finish tests and Monday the 24th start chemo.
I will be doing chemo for 6 months and then surgery.
This is a clip from my caring bridge website on whats happening next week.....

"Next week...
Monday- MRI Tues- Genetic Testing because if I test positive for the cancer gene I have a 42% chance of getting ovarian cancer so we may do a complete hysterectomy if I test positive!
Tues- MUGA heart testing because chemo can be bad on my heart so they need to make sure it is strong enough to handle it!
Wed- Outpatient surgery to implant my port in my chest to administer the chemo!
Thurs- PET scan to check body for cancer
Friday- Chemo teaching and training
Then start Chem that next Monday! So chemo in 10 days! Holy moly!!!!
The plan is taxol chemo every week for 3 months! this will make me loose my hair within 2-3 weeks! Then switch chemos to FEC a more aggressive type for another 3 months. This one is only every 3 weeks! Then in 6 months after all of that chemo...surgery. Double mastectomy and possible hysterectomy!
CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Here's to knowing the plan and attacking it head on...full speed ahead! Your goin down cancer! Take that!"


So like i said...bring on the plan!
After the whirlwind of the morning Anthony and i came home and packed for Chicago.
The airline Spirit showed some compassion and let us fly standby for the last flight of the night!
We sat there for 6 hours and got on!!!!!
So even though we missed our am flight due to an emergency Dr. appointment, it was still meant to be that we had out weekend together with out the boys!

Peace Out Florida!
Chi-Town here we come!
Kristina and Val put on your dancin shoes!!!

Day 18

Day 18
Thursday.
Woke up and went to the beach.
Anthony and Lela watched the boys while I went for a walk.
The ocean was perfectly beautiful.
Aqua and smooth!
Fish, birds, jellyfish.
Nature is pretty amazing!
I started praying aloud...
"God thank you!
Thank you for this day, this moment, this walk.
Thank you for surrounding me with light and love.

Earth, earth, earth, earth,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
For this glorious landscape surrounding me.

Water, water, water, water,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
For nourishing all things living.

Air, air, air, air,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
For the breeze upon my back and the oxygen to inhale life deeply.

Fire, fire, fire, fire,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
For the sun upon my face and energy pulsing through my body.

God cleanse my body, cleanse my soul.
Rid me of bad energy, help make me whole!"

Then as I finished my prayer a group of 3 dolphins popped their heads up as if to say, "God heard you and we got this covered!"
They swam next to me the whole time I walked back to the blanket.
Mom, Anthony and the boys got to see my visitors from God!
I never see dolphins.
the last time was 4 years ago so I knew this was a sign.

When we got home my friend Melissa came over and handed me a check for $120 from a mom in her bible study group!
I have never met this woman but she insisted on helping!
It will come in very handy because I can't even have an MRI until I come up with a ridiculous amount of money!

Today is a better day! =)

Now date night with my hubby and some friends in Miami!

Happy Thursday people!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Day 17

Day 17
Wednesday.
Hump day.
Sad day.
Woke up stressed and depressed.
Jena's gotta fly home to Minnesota today!
then I get a call from Dr. Perez's office.
"We need you here Friday am at 9:00."
"I am supposed to go to Chicago for the weekend. Can I come in Monday?"
"Nope Dr. Niemark said you need to be seen this week. It is an emergency."
"OK!! I will cancel my trip. I WILL BE THERE!"
Hung up.
Wonder why she said emergency?
A little freaked out!
Ok a LOT freaked out!
tears.
Soooo sad!
I wanted a getaway with my hubby, no kids, to visit two of my besties before chemo started.
Guess I will just have to plan a bigger, better trip for when this cancer business has left the building!
And I'm scared....this cancer talk is turning into action soon...
Which is a great thing but I am soooo scared!
Scared for how my body is gonna react.
Scared it's in other parts of my body.
Scared for surgery.
Scared for my family.
Just scared!

That's all!

Day 16

Day 16

Tonight my girl Nikki threw me a PJ party.
13 girls came with new digs for me for when I go through chemo and surgery!
I got sooo many cute things!
Sweatpants.
PJ's.
A breast cancer blanket that everyone signed.
More wine for the wino!
Even some cute sexy time PJ's!
And some moon shaped boobie pillows for after surgery.
I was so strong until I read the flyer that my girl Melissa made.
She is coordinating a huge garage sale fundraiser for me on October 22!
The flyer read....
Garage Sale for a Cause
Jessica is an amazing mom of two small children. Recently, at age 30, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. we are teaming together to help pay these large and unexpected medical bills. 100% of the proceeds will go toward Jessica's medical care.
Ways to help.
1. Donate
2. Shop
Over 50 families are donating high end items which include furniture, clothing, decorating, children's items and more.
* All unsold items will be donated to AVDA (Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse)

This put me over the edge.
I am once again blown away!

tears.
tears.
tears.

ok.

Champagne? Don't mind if I do!

So in honor of my awesome friends and Jena's last night in town.....I drink.

Cheers!

Day 15

Day 15

Monday!
Anthony starts vacation today!
Hell to the yeah!
a whole week with my hubby....well besides when the golf course swallows him up for 5 hours! lol
Chicago this weekend!!!!!!!!
Sooooo stoked! One last rowdy weekend before treatment!

Some advice I was given was to buy a wig before chemo starts because once you start, you wont be in the mood to shop!
So thanks to the Jessica Fund from Jena.....we went shopping!
Boca Town Center here we come!
I bought me some hair.
A fancy little number!
Girl, I look good in my short black wig!
I better for $200 and that was the cheap one!
And holy canoli i look awful with long blond hair!
It was a riot trying them all on.
Red, blond, black, brown, short, long, bangs, no bangs....
I felt like a spy, a little Angelina Jolie like!
All I needed was a gun and some passports.
Then we came home and relaxed.
While chillaxin on the couch Jena found this amazing website.
pinterest.com
Made me smile so I have to share a few...

"I'm the kind of woman that when I wake up in the morning, the devil says, "Damn she's up!"

Another that made me laugh was this one...
"Liking your own facebook status is like giving yourself a high-five in public!"

I need to keep surrounding myself with happy thoughts and this website totally helped! =)

Warm fuzzies and wigs!
Gotta love Monday!

Day 14 MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Day 14

My big 31!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday to me!
Gonna celebrate being alive and blessed!

But HOLY HANGOVER!
Woke up at noon!
The older I get the worse I feel after a night out on the town.
Not 21 anymore, even though I like to act like it once and awhile!
PAARTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!
Ugh...barf!

Then off to Nicole's for a playdate before another night out!
Get into Nicole's and BAM......
"SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone is there!
A surprise party for me!
Unreal.
I have never had a surprise party before!
Cameras were rolling and flashing.
No tears!
Gave everyone a hug!
A big tight squeeze!
After I made my rounds it all sank in. How much I am loved!
I run into the other room and totally loose it!
Hyperventilating.
Get it together mama! Jeezz!!!

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So needles to say I had a great 31st birthday! After my party we came home and put the little the lil ones off to dreamland.
Put on my comfy sweatpants and relaxed on the couch!
Perfect end to a perfect day!

I am really living the life I love!
xo

Day 13

Day 13

Ladies trip to the nail salon.

Jessica Fund is coming in handy already. Pedicure time!

Jena, my mom and I head to NY Nails!

I buy my mom and myself a spa pedi.

Feels like HEAVEN!

We all three get pink for breast cancer awareness.

My mom HATES pink and says, "This is for you Jessica!" with a hint of sarcasm in her voice! lol

Then I got my hair did!

Jena made me look like a rock star!

Better do it now before I loose it all!

And I love it!

Kinda Uma Thurmaish!

Grrrr baby!

Happy Yom Kippur to all my Jewish friends!
Day of Atonement.
Turkey Fest at our friend Roni's house.
We brought quinoa salad.
Salad was all I could eat!
Dinner parties are going to be hard.
Just gotta get creative with what I bring.
Good friends and great company make a party anyway! xo

Then went to the bar with Shot Nazi herself...aka Jena Spaulding!
Home at 3:00 am after a few too many!

One shot, two shot, three shot floor!
Nite!

Day 12

Day 12

Friday Friday Friday!
TGIF!
Big day today!
Wish I could get PET/CT too but oh well.
Ali and I make our morning smoothies and head to Memorial.
Feelin good today!
Arrive at radiologist.
More paperwork. How may times am I gonna have to write my issues down!
Slip on robe.
Mammo #2 in Mammo Room 4!
Ouch...here we go again!
Ultrasound Room 1.
All looks the same!
3 cm mass.
Lymph nodes not swollen...great sign.
Left boob appears clear of cancer...great sign.
The nurses there were AMAZING!
One of them had breast cancer 6 years ago and did exactly what I am probably do.
Chemo, double mastectomy, chemo and used the same Docs I will be using!
She said they are the best...they must be if the employees choose them!
I am in great hands!
As we leave we get huge pink roses!
I heart my hospital!!!
Then off to Dr Niemarks office.
Have no appointment but need to know if 2nd lab results are in and when and where the PET/CT scan will be.
96 year old with her son and daughter-in-law were there again.
LOVE THEM!
She's still speaking only German. lololol
Ali and I brought the party with us.
Another woman who just found out said she really needed a huge beer!
I told her to have one damn it!
I've been sucking down the wine!
Then we talk about getting fake perky tatas!
She wants double d's!
everyone in the waiting room is cracking up.
Nurse comes out and says "Sounds like a party out here! I'm missing out!"

Finally get to talk to the nurse.
Lab results not in.
No info on when and where for PET.
Well...that was pointless.
Accept for the party in the waiting room!

Then get home and Jena is here!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!
My sister from another Mr.
And Micah and Lela are home from Orlando!
I missed my lil man!
Skype doesn't cut it!
My mom said he was very good and had no sugar all week!
She told me a hilarious story.
Micah was taking a bath and playing with his penis.
My mom goes, "Micah what are you doing?"
He says, "Lela, I just wanna make my penis dance!"
I almost peed myself. Where the hell do kids get this stuff!

Micah had a blast.
Swimming, water slides, downtown Disney, Legoland, T-Rex restaurant, and lots of toys from all of my moms friends in Orlando!
One lucky kid.

And my Jena...my Jena!!!!
Love her!
She couldn't wait to give me my birthday present.
For the last 2 weeks she has been raising money for me with a fundraiser.
Donations. Doing hair. Being AWESOME!
She raised $1100 for the Jessica Boobie fund!
It's for me to have some me sanity time like massages, pedicures, hire sitters and anything I wanna do for me!
UNREAL!
Bawling!
See...people are truly amazing!

Day 11

Day 11

Thirsty Thursday!
Good morning world.
Time for a mimosa playdate!
My new mommy friend Sandra has a lil man 25 days older than Mason.
Our playdate consist of eating tons of vegan food she brought, drinking mimosas, chatting and watching the lil guys tackle and smack each other around! lol!

Clean house after she leaves and light my pumpkin spice candle!
Aww serenity!
Bought Lion King for Micah yesterday.
Watched it this afternoon.
Bawled! lol!

"Know you are emotional when you cry to The Circle of Life when Lion King start!" was my Facebook status of the day!

Mason to bed.
Allison arrives so she can come with my early in the am to the hospital!
Watch Food Matters documentary.
Mixed feelings!
Feel somewhat guilty that i ate so crappy my whole life.
Maybe it caused my cancer.
Could I have prevented it?
Chemo is sooo bad! Should I even do it!?
Should I try IV's of Vitamin C?
Ugh thinking too much!

Nite!

Day 10

Day 10





Wednesday


PET/CT scan was canceled for Friday!


I HATE INSURANCE!!!!!!!!!


So frustrating.


Oh well at least i have insurance right?!





So every Wednesday at 1:00 I have a conference call.


It is with a handful of extraordinary people that have gone through Landmark Forum.


Those classes have honestly made me who I am today.


Helped me let go of all of m past.


Helped me realize that by just realizing who you are being and being who you want to be you have power to completely change your reality.


Is my cup half full or half empty?


Helped me accept people exactly the way they are.


Helped me learn to take action in my life instead of just thinking about change or what I don't have!


I honestly can say I live a life that I love!





So back to the call...


This week I was in charge of leading the call.


I decided we were going to talk about something in the for front of my life right now....


Surrounding yourself with an amazing support system in everything you do!





It was an great conversation.


We talked about reaching out when you need it and not to be ashamed or worry about what others will think.


So much of the time people are willing to help and it makes others feel good to help.


Be there for others when asked or even when not asked and your support system will grow exponentially.


Live everyday with gratitude and love and it will come back to you tenfold!





I left my Mastermind conversation feeling very warm and fuzzy!





Then asked my brother-in-law out on a date.


City Fish Market to visit my hubby!


Fresh Salmon and spinach!


Ceviche.


And of course some La Crema Pinot Nior.

The GM, Jorge, came over and sat with us for a minute.
He told me the him and his wife are starting the no meat no dairy diet with Anthony and i in support of me and the whole fight for breast cancer.
I was BLOWN away!
Tears!
Amazing! =)

Now home sweet home!
xo

Day 9

Day 9

YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anthony's day off!

YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! times 2.

Micah is in Orlando with Lela for the week.
(Love the lil guy but a mental break was needed!)

It's such a great day!

Ant and I ran some errands.
Shopping always makes me happy!
Even if it is at Costco and for groceries!

Then a late lunch/happy hour!
Kyma.
Yummy greek apps.
Very limited due to new diet but hummus, kalamata olives and zucchini was perfect!
The glass of Pinot Grigio was a extra bonus!

Get home and hunny cleans the casa.
And opens 2 more bottles of vino.
Well....I guess we are getting drunk! lol!
Know where his mind is......hehehe
And his technique worked like a charm.

Then sitting on the couch I start to uncontrollably bawl.
Holy emotional.
He's just my everything!!! I love him all the way from the depths of my soul!!
He says, "I know you probably don't wanna hear this right now but the thing I fear is loosing you! I can't loose you!!!"

We pass out snugglebuggin on the couch!
What a perfect day!

xo

Day 8

Day 8

10-3-20011

today was a rough day.
woke up with a huge stress migraine.
shoulders hurt.
brain throbbing.
depressed.
guilt.
guilt.
guilt.
ant has been getting up every night with mason.
mom has been feeding, watching, changing, entertaining the boys.
"mom...i feel soooooooooo guilty." i can barely get it out between sobs.
"no need for guilt. this was probably planned before we were even born. i am her and able and willing to help now. just breathe and accept it."
now..if you don't have the utmost pleasure of knowing my totally kick butt momma, you are truly missing out.
she is my light, my sanity, my mentor, my best friend!
she has taught me right from wrong, left from right.
she has taught me to see light in everything and everyone around us.
she has taught me that i am an amazing person and that i can be and do anything in this world...
including winning this battle over cancer.
we are blessed...more than blessed to be living with her right now...
talk about divine intervention!
the day after i found out i had cancer this is what the card said that she gave me.....


More Than My Daughter

the first time i held you in my arms,
i never wanted to let you go.
i knew that very moment
my heart would forever be intertwined with yours.

it was easy to hold tight when you were a child.
i wanted to protect you from the
threatening menaces of the world around you.
but i knew that i would soon have to loosen my grip.

you'll never know how hard it was
for me to release my grasp
and let you venture off on your own
even though my fingers let go, my heart never did

as you dance with passion and zeal
to the beat of your own heart
you have grown into a magnificent woman
developing strength and resilience, wit and wisdom
you walk confidently
in the direction of your own dreams

you have become so much more than my daughter...
you are a woman i am honored to know
you are my heart, my soul,
my love, my joy.
you are my friend.
-suzy toronto

then she wrote
"Jessica, This will all be alright and we will get through it swiftly. You are so strong and I know that you are creating greatness, health, and abundance for your beautiful life of love! I love you honey! Mom"


talk about a tear jerker! she's too good! =)

i wish i could just pay her to be our nanny so she could quit looking for a new job...especially the ones in canada and the u.k....not that she would take those now anyway!


get a call from memorial.
next 2 appts set up for friday.
8:00 am radiology consult for possible new ultra sound scans and mammogram.
1:00 pm pet/ct scan to check the rest of my body for cancer.

"who's gonna come with me? anthony has to work and moms out of town?"
"everyone has kids and no one will be able to come with me?"

i freak out.
"I DON"T WANNA GO ALONE!"
crying.

allison finally text and said she was coming.
her boss gave her the day off.
thanks boss man.
relief.

gotta get out of this house.
this moping around is even driving me crazy.
snap out of it sister.

before i leave i watch Fork Over Knives (which i highly recommend to everyone!)
food documentary.
get completely motivated to start my plant based diet.
thanks nicole!
read some of my whole foods cookbook and marked a bunch of recipes.

then off we go....Whole Foods!

this is gonna be hard!
I LOVE ME SOME STEAK!!!
i am a meat and tatortot hotdish kinda gal.
i mean...come on....i grew up in minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes and 1,000,000,000 crockpots.
what the hell am i gonna eat?

but i have to do it.
gonna create an environment where cancer just doesn't stand a chance.
anthony even watched the movie and loved it.
he is even gonna diet with me.
didn't see that coming.
i mean "hello" he is a chef?!?!
he really is the most supportive best hubby around!

so here's to no dairy and meat.
yummm.....plants. lol
wish me luck.

so $200 later and a really full cart, we head home.

as soon as we step in the door my friend paula drops off a HUGE box of food made by the mommies of another mommy group i just joined.
they got together a huge goodie box of meals for the week.
sooo amazing. i am in awe.
i don't even know a lot of these woman.
people really are...well. do i dare say my fav word again....AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i eat some salad and veggie bean chili.
it was delish.
super impressed.
so with a full belly and a full heart...

i say good night world.

i love you.

Day 7

Day 7

Sunday Funday
Beautiful Belini Brunch at the Bridge on the water!
Birthday Party!
Then my girls went back to Miami to the grind! =(
Sadness starts to creep slowly into my soul.
I try to watch TV.
Can't do it.
Pick up my Chicken Noodle Soup for the breast cancer survivors soul.
Start reading.
Start bawling.
Put that down.
I think it's all slowly starting to sink in.
I HAVE CANCER!

All I wanna do is curl up and cry.
And damn it that's what I do.

Day 6

Day 6

Saturday.
October 1st.
My favorite month.
I love how the weather changes.
Even in Florida.
I do really really miss Minnesota falls.
Changing of leaves, cooler temps, boots, sweaters, and scarves...
LOVE IT! <3
My 31st birthday is in a week.
Hope we can still go to Chicago in two weeks.
It is supposed to be our first kid less vacation EVER!
Val, Graham, Kristina, Jason, Anthony and I!
Its gonna be a birthday weekend celebration.
One last hurrah before chemo and treatment starts!
Gonna have to play it by ear!

Two besties came today.
I needed it sooo much!
Allison and Madeline I love you!
2 bottles of champagne...
1 bottle of rose...
1 bottle of pinot nior...
1 bottle of chianti...
TOO MUCH FUN!
Sitting by the inter coastal watching the stars and moon, talking about life and who would jump in to catch Madeline if she fell in. LOL!
NOT ME.....jk!

There is really something to be said about being around your loved ones.
To all of my girls...I LOVE YOU!

xo

Day 5! 1st Day with Surgical Oncologist!

Day 5

TGIF
Surgeon day.
Couldn't sleep last night until I cried for awhile and past out on the couch!
Woke up early like a 1st grader on her 1st day of school.
"Is it 11:30 yet?" was all I could think!
Drive to the Doc was good.
Excited.
Stole my moms convertible.
Top down.
Sun shining.
Goin to get a plan.
Need a damn plan.
Going to get a plan.
Going to get a plan.
"Whoa am I really going 90 mph?"
I know the EOS is fast but my nerves are pressin this pedal to the metal.
Speeding ticket would be awful!
Slow your roll Jessica Carmen!

Memorial Regional Hospital.
My heart sank.
Here we go.
BRING IT!
Up we go, my hand tightly in Anthony's.
3rd floor. DING.
Waiting room.
Other cancer patients.
Another couple.
A 96 year old speaking German with her son and daughter in law.
Her son told us she spoke only English until she was diagnosed with cancer, now they all have to learn German! lol! He said "Can I divorce my mom?"
He made me smile!
Another family with a young little girl around 4 years old.
Mother was wearing a hat and had no hair!
Talk about shock.
I finally felt it!

CANCER!

My heart skipped a beat.
We were there at 10:50.
Appointment was at 11:30.
Filled out paperwork.
Then watched the time tick away and them call everyone but us in.
Every time the door would open I wanted to hurl!
"Are they EVER gonna call my name?"
TV was on in the waiting room.
I heard "They shot the terrorist..." and "Michael Jackson's trial..." about a million times.
Grrrr could they have something positive on the TV?
WTF how depressing.....
I kept thinking.....the next headline is gonna be, "Girl looses it in waiting room and chews off her own arm. Experts are stunned!"

1:00 FINALLY!
"Jessica Hoff"
I jump up from my seat!
Anthony was more anxious then I was I think but had to remind him I need him to be strong.
I know that this is gonna be a crazy journey for us both!

1:30 Doc finally comes in.
This is after flashing Anthony to make him smile! Lol!
Hey...they may be gone soon! Shake um if ya got um! =)
Anyway Doc said, "So sorry!"
"I had to meet with the head of medical oncology, Dr. Perez."
"I wanted to review your case with her and see if she would take you on as a patient and she agreed!"
"She one of the top in the field and has patients flying in from around the world to see her. She is going to clear some time to meet with you!"
Then Dr. Neimark went on to explain....ALOT!
Thought tequila made my head spin...nope cancer wins!
HOLY MOLY!

My CaringBridge goes into detail about the medical aspect of my journey.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/jessicahoff
Or CaringBridge.org then search for jessicahoff
Journal entries will be here.
Specific medical updates will be there.

The short version is this...
Getting 2nd opinion.
New lab results this week.
Need PET scan to check whole body for cancer.
And an MRI.
Treatment probably chemo the surgery and reconstructive surgery, then more chemo or radiation.
Have to have a consult with Radiation and then one with Dr. Perez!
Then see where all of that leads me.

Talk about a mental hurricane!

The rest of the day was a blur.
More phone calls, updates, concerned people.
Can even begin to explain my brain spaghetti just slopping around in my head!
I can't even spell my first name!
So..
Here I go again...
Tylenol PM...
Hopefully sleep.
Nite!