Day 4

Day 4

What a day!
It was actually a very powerful day!!!
Woke up and felt wasted. Sooo tired!
Groggy as heck!
Mason is having sleeping issues and the only thing that makes him content is your truly!
Last night...2:30am....WWWAAAAHHHHHH!
Lord...Really?
"Ugh"...as I hit Anthony.
"Aren't you gonna get him?"
He gets up.
Tries a bottle. WWAHHH
Changes diaper. WWWAAAAHHHH
What the H is going on?
WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
I get up.
Hold him.
Crying stops.
Put him in his crib. WAAAAAAAHHHHH
Pick him up and rock him.
Crying stops.
Lil man just wanted to lay on my chest.
Snugglebug!
He needed it.
And he knew I needed it.
Ugh I love him!
I held him until 4:30 am.
He was deep asleep.
So that's why I am a walking zombie holding a coffee cup.
Then Nikki calls.
"Come to the beach."
"Nah, nit in the mood."
"Come to the beach!"
"FIIINNNNEEEE!"
Sooo glad I went.
Boys burnt some steam and had a blast!
I got some sun and fresh air and much needed girl talk and time.

Came home.
Checked Facebook, CaringBridge, and Blog!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNBELIEVABLE!
I AM OVERWHELMED!!!!!!!!!!! (Keep using that word but nothin can compete in the thesaurus!)
This is mind blowing and crazy, this is beautiful, this is powerful, this is..........
PURE
LOVE
&
KICK ASS HUMANITY!!!!!

I cry.
I laugh.
I have butterflies and goosebumps from memories!
My family and friends know how to make me feel like a GODDESS! =)
They are more than I could ever ask for and don't deserve such praise and recognition!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

I can't believe two days ago I was complaining about how much my phone was blowin up.
That was Crazy Lady Jessica for a second.
We may see her around once and awhile.
Maybe I should give her a name so I can tell her to behave herself when she acts up and give her a time-out.
Let me ponder that....

I LOVE MY LIFE!
I LOVE MY SUPPORT SYSTEM!
Damn I am loved and I can feel it!
So stoked for myself! lol!

After ignoring my kids for 20 minutes too long, I get off the computer.
Micah just drop kicked Mason in the face.
Time out #678 for this 3 year old today!

2:00pm
Have another healing session with Ms. Amazing herself.
Bobbilicious!
Ms. B.
This time I laid in my bed.
Meditation.
Closed my eyes.
Holy shizza what's that?
My cancer felt like it was burning. It REALLY hurts!
Pain came and went for 10 minutes. Not even kidding!
Then nothing.
I called her back.
Told her I felt it.
Something.
Sweet Jesus that was crazy!

Then two exercises.

1-Forgiveness
"You cannot heal completely with out letting negative energy and resentments and thoughts go. Forgive others as well as yourself."
She walked me through the exercise and I felt it melt away.
I felt lighter.
I felt myself letting go.

2- Gratitude
I opened my eyes and looked around....i could see!
I put my foot on the ground and took a step...i could walk!
I felt love and support.
I have a family that loves me.
I have friends that lift me.
I have two boys who adore me.
I feel.
I have emotions.
I am married to my soulmate.
I know how to dance...even though my hubby told me last week I dance better when I'm drunk!
I can sing and dang it I do it pretty well.
I AM ALIVE, WHOLE AND PERFECT just the way I am!
I had tears staining my face!

Ms. B asked if I got anything from the exercises.
I could barley speak and yes was all I could utter.

Hung up and felt as high as a Dave Mathews concert goer after a couple of those "magic" brownies....not that I would know much about that.

Hey isn't there medicinal marijuana legal for cancer patients?! HMMM Side note there!

The power of thought and positivity.
The law of attraction.

Then mall, and sushi with all 3 of my boys!
My little Asian Micah Man is getting pretty good with those chopsticks! =)

8:30pm
Ant put kiddos to bed. Thanks baby daddy!
Another healing sesh with the Ms. B.

This time felt nothing.
Mind won't shut up cuz tomorrow we meet with the surgeon! Eeekkk!
After 17 min of meditation I call her.
She felt it this time.
Her hands her red and in pain from all of the energy!
What can I say I need a lot of energy to keep up with me! ;)

I told her how grateful I was for her taking the time to do this and that is is transforming my life as well as those around me.
My Grandma Pat called today and after our quick convo she said she called to lift me up but in turn I had lifted her.
I had told her about how the exercises had gone earlier with Ms. B.

Funny how inspiration and love is easily passed on!

Well here I am.
Once again late and not tired...AT ALL!
Trouble with that is I may just need to suck down some more Tylenol PM!
Or another bottle of wine! lol!

So....

Cheers to you,
Cheers to me,
And have a smile,
Thanks to Ms. B!


Love PEACE & chicken grease!

xo
Night!

Day 3

Day 3

What day is it?
Where am I?
What's going on?
My brain won't shut up!
Anxiety.
Slight panic.
Maybe this really isn't real!
Can you get false-positives from biopsies?
I can't be alone.
Who can I hang out with?
Yesterday I went to Lainy's then left and went straight to Nikki's.
Today I went to Meghan's then straight to Jenise's.
Kids can play and I don't have to entertain them.
I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do that today!
So many opinions, books to read, websites to look at, survivors to talk to........
It's ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OVERWHELMED!

Only cried twice today though.
It's always when I think and talk about Micah and Mason and how this will and could affect them.
I am putting those thoughts away.
In then right out!
It's normal to have fear but at the same time why because I know this is gonna be just fine!!!!

I have a great friend whose mother is a healer and channels energy.
I had a session with her tonight.
She channeled energy while I sat and meditated.

First I had a million things go through my head.
Dragons, squares, eyeballs, lights... the usual. lol!
Then I felt it.
My chest got heavy.
I felt pressure in my shoulders.
It was hard to breathe kind of like I just snowboarded down a black diamond in Colorado.
CRAZY.
I went with it and just continued to meditate.
Allowing positive energy to enter my thoughts and body.
Peace, love, happiness filled my being.
Afterward we talked for awhile.
"Push fear away. Let it enter then make it leave."
"Tell yourself, 'I am of perfect health and am grateful for that blessing.'"
She said be healthy. Act and think healthy.

We will have more sessions.
It was great.

K
Brain hurts.
Is it Friday yet?
Set up CaringBridge and updated Blog.
I FEEL THE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Day 2

Day 2

Tuesday.
Known 24 hours that my body is infested.
I don't wanna write.
I don't wanna talk anymore.
I don't wanna text anymore.
I don't wanna check my email anymore.
I know I need to eat better...exercise more...stop drinking...be positive...smile...
But I NEED THIS TO SINK IN 1ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am surrounded by love and support and there are already 6 prayer chains....that I know of...but today was rough.
I am allowed to feel this way right?
I write and the pen and paper seem like my only confidants right now.
I am sick of telling a million people whats wrong.
I should feel happy about this right now but this cancer is more than a full time job!
I didn't sign up for this!
I still don't think I have cancer.
It's just a word some Dr. said.
It's NOT REAL!
I feel detached from reality.
This is who I felt when my parents got divorced when I was 15.
Someone elses reality.
"Hi there crazy lady. How you feeling today?"
"Well not quite sure? How bout you?"
Oh maybe that multiple personalities! lol
Anyway...
Sorry for the tangent....
I'm back!
Hi!

My boob hurts!

How do I keep patience with the kiddos?
I spanked Micah on the tush today.
I just let Mason cry in his crib for awhile today.
I needed a time-out!
I feel like a bad mom!

Got some cards and flowers today!
Maybe it is sinking in a little!?

K

Ant's home!

Gonna vent to him a bit!

Night!

Diagnosis!

Day 1

September 26th 2001.
Happy 9 Month Birthday Mason!
Monday.
A day of celebration.
A day of shock.
A day I will always remember.
Slept in.
Cleaned house.
Made homemade turkey soup.
Raining.
4:35 pm my phone rang.
It was Dr. Hines the radiologist that did my mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy 3 days prior.
"Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
"Sure what's up?"
"Well the biopsy results came back positive. You have cancer in the tissue in your right breast."
"No way?!?! REALLY? Are you kidding?"
"No I am not. It came back positive."
"Um.....OK?!?!?!" Shocked not knowing what the hell just hit me.
"You will need to see a surgical oncologist. The lump is a size able mass. Surgery and chemo we be needed."
"What.....me? Really? I am only 30 years old."
"I was shocked when I saw your results. I am sorry."
The rest kind of vanished into a mush of thoughts and feelings.
My Dr. gave me a referral to a surgeon and asked if I wanted her to set up the appointment.
I said yes.
She set it up and called me back, Wednesday.
Dr. Hines then told me to bring Anthony in the morning so we can sit down and talk.
She asked if I had any questions.
"Should I stop breastfeeding?" Was all I could come up with.
My mom was feeding Mason a bottle and saw me crying.
She came in and asked, "What's up?"
"Mom....I have breast cancer."
We cried together.
Even Mason cried with us. He gets upsets when others are upset.
Micah was oblivious.
I called Anthony at work on his cell first.
Ring, ring....voicemail.
Ring, ring,...voicemail.
Then...
"City Fish Market, this is Sherry."
"Hi Sherry I need to talk to Anthony!" My voice was shaking and I was fighting back tears!
When I was on hold the Dr called again. She just confirmed with the surgeon the time of the appointment on Wed. It is for 10:15 am.
Then Anthony called me back.
"Babe, I have breast cancer!"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Nope. Results came back. Just got off the phone with the Dr."
"I'm coming home."
Click.
I love my husband! He is gonna be my sanity, my rock through all of this!
He balances me out and calms me when I need it!
Then the phone calls had to start.
People had to know, start praying, and lifting my tata up in their thoughts! lol!
Dad was hard...he took it the hardest with Deb his sister passing away last year from cancer it brought up very raw emotions.
My brother.
All of my grandparents.
Kim and the Jordahls. I knew Shelby would be very sad! =(
All of my close friends....
Val
Brandis
Madeline
Jena
Allison
Nikki
The list went on and on.....
Where to stop? I asked some people to call others.
I was emotionally drained!!!!!!
Everyone said the same exact thing...."I don't know what to say!"
But what could they say. All they can do is send me positive vibes, prayers and lift me up!
I DON"T EVEN KNOW what to think or how to act!
I breastfed Mason one last time last tonight.
That was soo hard. The crazy what-if's started....
What if Mason and Micah won't know their mom.
I want them to know me....to really know me.
I want them to grow up with a momma.
I want to see them grow, play sports, graduate, get married, have kids....
I need them to be happy!!!!
I cried!
My body was shaking! Holy shit I have CANCER?!?!
REALLY?!?!?!?! no.........REALLY!!!!!!!!

Just doesn't seem real.
Maybe it's a mistake.
Maybe it's a lab mix up.
I am only 30!
I eat whole wheat bread and drink almond milk.
I am training for my first half-marathon.
I have a 3 year old.
I have an 9 month old.
I have an AMAZING family and husband!
I don't smoke.
I don't drink...well much. =)

So I need to stay positive.
It is just something happening right now.
I need to heal....and I WILL DANGIT!
I will learn the lesson that needs to be learned and move on and help others!
Cancer is not a noun. It is a verb. It came and now is going. It will not have power over me!

The way I found this cancer was because I thought I had a clogged milk duct from breastfeeding.
I went to the Dr 3 times because it was soooo painful. The first visit they did what they call a HALO test to test cancer predictors and that came back normal. 4 months after the first visit they decide I better get a biopsy. That's when I went to the radiologist.
Got a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy that day! The Dr thought it was a clogged milk duct too because when they removed the needle from the biopsy it leaked a tons of fluid.
So I felt relieved until 3 days later when I got the call.
I guess I am just lucky that this lump was painful and that I followed my instincts and kept going in time and time again!

What I know...
It's infiltrating ductal carcinoma.
I don't know my stage yet for I do not know how far it has spread in my body or if it's in my lymph nodes. Need more testing for this.
It is Grade III which tells how aggressive the cancer is. That is III out of III so its VERY aggressive.
It has a 90% growth rate which the Dr. told me was also very high.
My cancer has no hormones and no her2nu which will limit treatment options.
Chemo, radiation, and surgery I think will be the best for me.
I meet with the Surgeon Friday and will know more info!

I will keep posting updates.

I thank those who are praying and for ALL of the amazing support.

I AM TRULY BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!