Day 73

Day 73
Wednesday December 7th 2011

So the last week and a half has been full of livin some of the good life...
and maybe a little of the icky stuff too.

Last week Anthony, Micah, Mason and I went to visit Lola Lucy, Anthony's momma for 3 days! It was awesome!
We even made it to Disney's Magic Kingdom for a day thanks to an amazing friend Stacy that I graduated from high school with that works there now!
We met Mickey and Minnie, rode rides, watched the Christmas parade and saw the castle light up magically with dazzling lights at the end of the night!

It was definitely a "magical" day!
Spending time with family has become far more magical for me whether or not we are at Disney!
We have not been able to spend much time lately with Lucy so she has been very worried about me.
It breaks mine and Anthony's heart to hear her sad!
But spending time with her this week I think reassured her that I am ok!
I will be ok!
I am still me!
I still have my spunky spirit and smile!
This also came up when my mom's sister, my Aunt Kim and her family were able to fly and visit from Minnesota this past weekend!
Being detached from me and not really knowing what's going on on a day to day basis is a lot harder than being here in the thick of it with me!
My auntie gave me a tight squeeze before she left this morning and said, "I feel so much better now that I got to see you and spend some time with you."
I said, "I am still me. Right? I am still me!"
I think a lot of my friends and family define me as a cancer patient now.
This seems very natural and I would probably do the same but that's not how I feel!
I still don't feel like I am a cancer patient.
It's still surreal to me.
I don't act sick...most of the time!
I am rowdy and obnoxious,
loud and fun,
think I'm right and pretty damn funny too!
I am still me....most of the time!
I still even feel like I have a head full of hair and get shocked every time I walk by the mirror or see a pic of myself.
It's very strange.
Kind of out-of-body experience like!
An old friend. babysitter of mine even thought I shaved my head because I lost a bet! lol!
I must not be on her news feed!
She had no clue! HILARIOUS.....Love you Kim! ;)
But that just shows that I have a little crazy in me!
I'm still me!

My daddy-o has been having a tough time lately.
Here is an email I received from him last week....

Pumpkin: You are the most amazing person I have the pleasure to know on this planet. You inspire, encourage, and bring out the very best in people. I am truly blessed to have a daughter as awesome as you! God did me a huge miracle the day you were born!!!!!!!!! Love you, Dad

But then he calls and says he wishes he could do more and see me and squeeze me.
Makes me sad!
He's so far away and it is in that stage where even though we talk on the phone almost every single day, he hasn't been able to see me since I have been diagnosed.
He still thinks "cancer" when he thinks of me.
Not my "fun loving and loud-like-me" daughter.
I feel terrible that he is feeling so much guilt that he can't do anything or be here for me the way he thinks he should!
What he doesn't know is that he IS here for me!
He is staying strong and sober!
He is inspiring me and loving me!
He listens anytime I need him!
He is here for me exactly the way God means for him to be here!
He is exactly where he needs to be right now!
It's perfect just the way it is!
We need to concentrate on what we have and not what we don't!

When my aunt Debbie passed away past May of cancer it was very hard on my dad.
So on the anniversary of her passing I wrote my dad a song.
A few weeks ago he added a verse.
I have never seen this side of him!
Being creative with his words!
And I am very impressed...I was crying!
So thoughtful that my heart was happy and sad at the same time.
Here is the song.....


Daddy Don’t Cry


Jessica Hoff 5/6/2011 (Year Anniversary of Auntie Debbie’s Death)

When I was 6 years old
I fell out of a tree.
Wind knocked out you came a runnin
Straight over to me.
You held my hand and asked if I’s ok
I looked you in the eye,
Saw a tear roll down you cheek
And I said…


Daddy don’t cry
I’m gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout your lil girl
I’m gonna be alright!


Sixteen, the word divorce
Rang upon our ears
How can we just throw away
All these awesome family years?
My brother and I sit and listen
But there’s nothing much to tell
I wanna hold your hand
But I can’t stand
So I think inside my head…


Daddy don’t cry
We’re gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout this family
We’re gonna be alright!


29, my Auntie’s sick from cancer in her bed
My daddy’s hands pressed upon her face
Won’t leave her cool sick head.
A prayer, a plea, a need for peace
I see it in his eyes
As he falls to his knees
Begging please
I pray for him inside…


Daddy don’t cry
She’s gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout her beautiful soul
She’s gonna be alright.

Bridge-
Let go of the bottle daddy
Don’t cry into a drink
Life’s a blessing
Just stop stressing
We’re gonna be alright!


The bride to be at 28
About to walk me down the aisle.
You take my hands, we say a prayer,
Your blessing and a smile.
You say “He’s great, he loves you I can tell!”
You tuck my hair behind my ear and say
“You’re beautiful!”
As our tears of joy run down our face
I look at you and say…


Daddy don’t cry
I’m gonna be alright
Don’t worry bout your lil girl
I love him with all my might!


Your grandson blinks his eyes at you
The awe the love the power anew
I see you want the best for him
In this crazy crazy life
Your lil girl has a lil guy
I can see you’re proud of me
With a big hug and a kiss on the cheek I sing…

Daddy don’t cry
He’s gonna be just fine
Don’t worry bout this lil guy
He’s beautiful and mine!!!



Added by Daddy 11/2/2011 (after my diagnosis of breast cancer)


At 30 years old you discover your cancer
Tears run down your daddy’s face
I fall to my knees
Prayers and pleas
For God’s grace to fill my heart
Fear is relentless and takes over my thoughts
I love her as my first born, my punkin, my precious daughter
Yet your amazing response is


Daddy Don’t Cry
I’m gonna be alright
I WILL BEAT THIS THING!
God’s in this fight. His grace is near
So have no fear…Daddy!


Now I just need to put it to chords on my guitar!
Writing a song or many for that matter has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember!
I have millions of lyrics, books upon books, journals upon journals jammed packed but none of them to music to music I have composed myself!
I need to let go of my expectations of a "good" song and just do it!!!
I will still someday love to have a CD with my name on it!
Jessica Carmen....Days to Live By!
I see my name in shiny lights and all!
A girl can dream and hopefully think it into existence!

So life is still flyin by...
Can't believe Christmas is in 2 1/2 weeks.
Gotta shop n wrap!
Our tree is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Colorful, good smelling, lit amazingness!
The tree is one of my fav things about Xmas!
We put on Christmas music, danced, sang, drank hot cocoa with marshmallows and decorated the tree.
PURE PERFECTION!

The Jordahl's came and went so fast.
4 days was not long enough but at least we got to hang for a little while!
Beach, dinners, dates, fishing (where everyone who went got sea sick! lol! glad it wasn't me!), kayaking, drinks, a chemo trip with the girls Kim and Shelby, quality time with Micah and Mason, a mini Christmas celebration, a wig fashion show, the pool and a little too much sun for the white Minnesotans! lol!
It was amazing!

Been feeling pretty good physically.
Some headaches, nausea, and lot of fatigue and no energy.
Nothing that lots of naps and meds can't fix!
My scalp and hot flashes are the biggest nuisance these days!
My scalp is a little ridics!
I must say it's quite cute and perfectly round but what's not cute is the road rash all over it!
Reed bumps and itchy GALORE!!!!!!!
Prob somewhat from shaving it and somewhat from my skin breaking out from chemo!
It's been over 2 weeks since I have shaved it....razor burn should be gone by now!
My Dr. wants me to see a dermatologist but the referral she gave me doesn't have an opening until Feb....nice.
That's not gonna do much!
Plus seeing ANOTHER Dr. is like the last thing I wanna do!
So for now it's hydrocoritsone which seems to be helping a bit and lots of scarves!
I watched about 100 YouTube videos on how to tie scarves.
Gave me some great ideas!
I am getting better at it!
Gotta love YouTube!

The other issue is these damn hot flashes!
Holy HOTNESS....literally!
Menopause blows!
Chemo has pushed me into menopause and I am complaining of these crazy hot flashes like my mother! lol!
Never thought we would be dealing with this at the same time! hahaha!
Up at night in pools of sweat!
Hot, cold, hot, cold!
Make up your mind body!
Wish hot flashes made me "HOT" for my hubby, not sweat like elephant balls in the African sun!
Anthony probably wishes that to!
Poor guy!
Well.....he just gets to suffer along with me!
(Insert tear here.....with a hint of sarcasm)

Speaking of my amazing hubby, I do feel bad!
It's season t his job so he's busy as all hell!
Snowbirds back in town, holiday parties, lots to do at work, lots of extra hours!
And as far as date nights, well those are few and far between.
Cancer has kinda creeped it's way into our relationship and taken a lot of our fun "us" time!
SAD!
But my good yoga instructor friend Sarah said she is gonna give us some free couples yoga classes and teach us how to do some Thai Massage!
That will rock my world and hopefully his too!
We need to get back to focusing on each other and not getting caught up in all of this other stuff going on!
It's so much easier said than done!
I find myself holding back, not communicating how I feel and then feeling guilty for it or mad at him for not knowing how I feel. Crazy lady syndrome! =)
Holy marriage counseling on myself!
He told me the other day that he missed me.
Maybe I am isolating myself?
I do feel that no one really gets it.
Nobody could!
I can't expect anyone to.
But I need to open up to my man more!
See...as a psychology major I can even help myself work it out....sometimes! lol!

Baby if you are reading this I love you!
I wouldn't be me with out you!
Thanks for hanging out with me even though I may not be the funnest girl at the party right now!
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxo

So here's to Anthony "lovin me through it" as Martina McBride would say!

Hope all is wonderful in your lives and you are enjoying not stressin about the upcoming holidays!
Lots of love!

xo