Friday Dec. 16th 2011
Am I gonna die? Yes!
Soon? No way!
But I am so freaked out about it this week!
Monday Dr. felt my lump and said "Don't know if much has changed. Let's schedule an ultra-sound to measure the mass!"
So today at 11:30 my mom and I gallivanted once again the 45 min trip to Memorial Hospital to get my boob inspected!
Fears were confirmed!
Lump/mass/cancer/the beast is the same damn size is was 7 weeks ago?
WTH?
So now the "what if's" set back in full force!
What if I die?
Who would help my hubby?
Who would help raise the boys?
What if they won't remember me?
I wish these would just stop in my ever flowing little voice in my mind!
Crazy Jessica is back!
1:43am
Took Tylenol pm and NyQuil....nothing.
Feel my mind racing actually.
Anthony just gave me another Xanax before his snoring set in.
This insomnia stuff is for the birds.
Tried counting, breathing, praying, Facebooking, Pinteresting, laying on the tile floor (thanks Isthlem for the suggestion..helps with hot flashes! lol), writing, stretching, holding my breath, drinking Sleepytime tea...you name it!
Accept for wine...Maybe I should have a glass!
Nah to lazy!
so I just continue to write.
Word vomit on a page.
Pen rolling with my thoughts of randomness and well...not much sense!
Just need some kind of venting.
Some kind of remedy!
Some sort of peace of mental calming!
Wrapped some gifts tonight.
Think Micah loves Christmas this year!
Fun to watch him help wrap gifts and sit under the tree staring at them.
Wrapped little miracles in his eyes!
His mind full of anticipation, wonder and amazement!
The season full of fun stories, songs, and decorations!
K gonna try to sleep!
xo Night!
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