Day 19 1st Day with Medical Oncologist

Day 19

Met Dr. Perez today!
My medical oncologist.
I LOVE HER!!!
I gave her a huge hug as soon as she walked in the door.

"Nobody has ever given me a hug right away! This is a first!" she said with a smile!
"Thank you for taking me on as a patient! I am so grateful!"
"We are going to take care of you!"
And I knew I was meant to be in her care!
I never felt rushed or felt like I was asking dumb questions.
Pure comfort!
Anthony agrees.
We love her!
The breakdown is that next week we finish tests and Monday the 24th start chemo.
I will be doing chemo for 6 months and then surgery.
This is a clip from my caring bridge website on whats happening next week.....

"Next week...
Monday- MRI Tues- Genetic Testing because if I test positive for the cancer gene I have a 42% chance of getting ovarian cancer so we may do a complete hysterectomy if I test positive!
Tues- MUGA heart testing because chemo can be bad on my heart so they need to make sure it is strong enough to handle it!
Wed- Outpatient surgery to implant my port in my chest to administer the chemo!
Thurs- PET scan to check body for cancer
Friday- Chemo teaching and training
Then start Chem that next Monday! So chemo in 10 days! Holy moly!!!!
The plan is taxol chemo every week for 3 months! this will make me loose my hair within 2-3 weeks! Then switch chemos to FEC a more aggressive type for another 3 months. This one is only every 3 weeks! Then in 6 months after all of that chemo...surgery. Double mastectomy and possible hysterectomy!
CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Here's to knowing the plan and attacking it head on...full speed ahead! Your goin down cancer! Take that!"


So like i said...bring on the plan!
After the whirlwind of the morning Anthony and i came home and packed for Chicago.
The airline Spirit showed some compassion and let us fly standby for the last flight of the night!
We sat there for 6 hours and got on!!!!!
So even though we missed our am flight due to an emergency Dr. appointment, it was still meant to be that we had out weekend together with out the boys!

Peace Out Florida!
Chi-Town here we come!
Kristina and Val put on your dancin shoes!!!

Day 18

Day 18
Thursday.
Woke up and went to the beach.
Anthony and Lela watched the boys while I went for a walk.
The ocean was perfectly beautiful.
Aqua and smooth!
Fish, birds, jellyfish.
Nature is pretty amazing!
I started praying aloud...
"God thank you!
Thank you for this day, this moment, this walk.
Thank you for surrounding me with light and love.

Earth, earth, earth, earth,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
For this glorious landscape surrounding me.

Water, water, water, water,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
For nourishing all things living.

Air, air, air, air,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
For the breeze upon my back and the oxygen to inhale life deeply.

Fire, fire, fire, fire,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
For the sun upon my face and energy pulsing through my body.

God cleanse my body, cleanse my soul.
Rid me of bad energy, help make me whole!"

Then as I finished my prayer a group of 3 dolphins popped their heads up as if to say, "God heard you and we got this covered!"
They swam next to me the whole time I walked back to the blanket.
Mom, Anthony and the boys got to see my visitors from God!
I never see dolphins.
the last time was 4 years ago so I knew this was a sign.

When we got home my friend Melissa came over and handed me a check for $120 from a mom in her bible study group!
I have never met this woman but she insisted on helping!
It will come in very handy because I can't even have an MRI until I come up with a ridiculous amount of money!

Today is a better day! =)

Now date night with my hubby and some friends in Miami!

Happy Thursday people!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Day 17

Day 17
Wednesday.
Hump day.
Sad day.
Woke up stressed and depressed.
Jena's gotta fly home to Minnesota today!
then I get a call from Dr. Perez's office.
"We need you here Friday am at 9:00."
"I am supposed to go to Chicago for the weekend. Can I come in Monday?"
"Nope Dr. Niemark said you need to be seen this week. It is an emergency."
"OK!! I will cancel my trip. I WILL BE THERE!"
Hung up.
Wonder why she said emergency?
A little freaked out!
Ok a LOT freaked out!
tears.
Soooo sad!
I wanted a getaway with my hubby, no kids, to visit two of my besties before chemo started.
Guess I will just have to plan a bigger, better trip for when this cancer business has left the building!
And I'm scared....this cancer talk is turning into action soon...
Which is a great thing but I am soooo scared!
Scared for how my body is gonna react.
Scared it's in other parts of my body.
Scared for surgery.
Scared for my family.
Just scared!

That's all!

Day 16

Day 16

Tonight my girl Nikki threw me a PJ party.
13 girls came with new digs for me for when I go through chemo and surgery!
I got sooo many cute things!
Sweatpants.
PJ's.
A breast cancer blanket that everyone signed.
More wine for the wino!
Even some cute sexy time PJ's!
And some moon shaped boobie pillows for after surgery.
I was so strong until I read the flyer that my girl Melissa made.
She is coordinating a huge garage sale fundraiser for me on October 22!
The flyer read....
Garage Sale for a Cause
Jessica is an amazing mom of two small children. Recently, at age 30, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. we are teaming together to help pay these large and unexpected medical bills. 100% of the proceeds will go toward Jessica's medical care.
Ways to help.
1. Donate
2. Shop
Over 50 families are donating high end items which include furniture, clothing, decorating, children's items and more.
* All unsold items will be donated to AVDA (Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse)

This put me over the edge.
I am once again blown away!

tears.
tears.
tears.

ok.

Champagne? Don't mind if I do!

So in honor of my awesome friends and Jena's last night in town.....I drink.

Cheers!

Day 15

Day 15

Monday!
Anthony starts vacation today!
Hell to the yeah!
a whole week with my hubby....well besides when the golf course swallows him up for 5 hours! lol
Chicago this weekend!!!!!!!!
Sooooo stoked! One last rowdy weekend before treatment!

Some advice I was given was to buy a wig before chemo starts because once you start, you wont be in the mood to shop!
So thanks to the Jessica Fund from Jena.....we went shopping!
Boca Town Center here we come!
I bought me some hair.
A fancy little number!
Girl, I look good in my short black wig!
I better for $200 and that was the cheap one!
And holy canoli i look awful with long blond hair!
It was a riot trying them all on.
Red, blond, black, brown, short, long, bangs, no bangs....
I felt like a spy, a little Angelina Jolie like!
All I needed was a gun and some passports.
Then we came home and relaxed.
While chillaxin on the couch Jena found this amazing website.
pinterest.com
Made me smile so I have to share a few...

"I'm the kind of woman that when I wake up in the morning, the devil says, "Damn she's up!"

Another that made me laugh was this one...
"Liking your own facebook status is like giving yourself a high-five in public!"

I need to keep surrounding myself with happy thoughts and this website totally helped! =)

Warm fuzzies and wigs!
Gotta love Monday!

Day 14 MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Day 14

My big 31!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday to me!
Gonna celebrate being alive and blessed!

But HOLY HANGOVER!
Woke up at noon!
The older I get the worse I feel after a night out on the town.
Not 21 anymore, even though I like to act like it once and awhile!
PAARTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!
Ugh...barf!

Then off to Nicole's for a playdate before another night out!
Get into Nicole's and BAM......
"SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone is there!
A surprise party for me!
Unreal.
I have never had a surprise party before!
Cameras were rolling and flashing.
No tears!
Gave everyone a hug!
A big tight squeeze!
After I made my rounds it all sank in. How much I am loved!
I run into the other room and totally loose it!
Hyperventilating.
Get it together mama! Jeezz!!!

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So needles to say I had a great 31st birthday! After my party we came home and put the little the lil ones off to dreamland.
Put on my comfy sweatpants and relaxed on the couch!
Perfect end to a perfect day!

I am really living the life I love!
xo

Day 13

Day 13

Ladies trip to the nail salon.

Jessica Fund is coming in handy already. Pedicure time!

Jena, my mom and I head to NY Nails!

I buy my mom and myself a spa pedi.

Feels like HEAVEN!

We all three get pink for breast cancer awareness.

My mom HATES pink and says, "This is for you Jessica!" with a hint of sarcasm in her voice! lol

Then I got my hair did!

Jena made me look like a rock star!

Better do it now before I loose it all!

And I love it!

Kinda Uma Thurmaish!

Grrrr baby!

Happy Yom Kippur to all my Jewish friends!
Day of Atonement.
Turkey Fest at our friend Roni's house.
We brought quinoa salad.
Salad was all I could eat!
Dinner parties are going to be hard.
Just gotta get creative with what I bring.
Good friends and great company make a party anyway! xo

Then went to the bar with Shot Nazi herself...aka Jena Spaulding!
Home at 3:00 am after a few too many!

One shot, two shot, three shot floor!
Nite!

Day 12

Day 12

Friday Friday Friday!
TGIF!
Big day today!
Wish I could get PET/CT too but oh well.
Ali and I make our morning smoothies and head to Memorial.
Feelin good today!
Arrive at radiologist.
More paperwork. How may times am I gonna have to write my issues down!
Slip on robe.
Mammo #2 in Mammo Room 4!
Ouch...here we go again!
Ultrasound Room 1.
All looks the same!
3 cm mass.
Lymph nodes not swollen...great sign.
Left boob appears clear of cancer...great sign.
The nurses there were AMAZING!
One of them had breast cancer 6 years ago and did exactly what I am probably do.
Chemo, double mastectomy, chemo and used the same Docs I will be using!
She said they are the best...they must be if the employees choose them!
I am in great hands!
As we leave we get huge pink roses!
I heart my hospital!!!
Then off to Dr Niemarks office.
Have no appointment but need to know if 2nd lab results are in and when and where the PET/CT scan will be.
96 year old with her son and daughter-in-law were there again.
LOVE THEM!
She's still speaking only German. lololol
Ali and I brought the party with us.
Another woman who just found out said she really needed a huge beer!
I told her to have one damn it!
I've been sucking down the wine!
Then we talk about getting fake perky tatas!
She wants double d's!
everyone in the waiting room is cracking up.
Nurse comes out and says "Sounds like a party out here! I'm missing out!"

Finally get to talk to the nurse.
Lab results not in.
No info on when and where for PET.
Well...that was pointless.
Accept for the party in the waiting room!

Then get home and Jena is here!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!
My sister from another Mr.
And Micah and Lela are home from Orlando!
I missed my lil man!
Skype doesn't cut it!
My mom said he was very good and had no sugar all week!
She told me a hilarious story.
Micah was taking a bath and playing with his penis.
My mom goes, "Micah what are you doing?"
He says, "Lela, I just wanna make my penis dance!"
I almost peed myself. Where the hell do kids get this stuff!

Micah had a blast.
Swimming, water slides, downtown Disney, Legoland, T-Rex restaurant, and lots of toys from all of my moms friends in Orlando!
One lucky kid.

And my Jena...my Jena!!!!
Love her!
She couldn't wait to give me my birthday present.
For the last 2 weeks she has been raising money for me with a fundraiser.
Donations. Doing hair. Being AWESOME!
She raised $1100 for the Jessica Boobie fund!
It's for me to have some me sanity time like massages, pedicures, hire sitters and anything I wanna do for me!
UNREAL!
Bawling!
See...people are truly amazing!

Day 11

Day 11

Thirsty Thursday!
Good morning world.
Time for a mimosa playdate!
My new mommy friend Sandra has a lil man 25 days older than Mason.
Our playdate consist of eating tons of vegan food she brought, drinking mimosas, chatting and watching the lil guys tackle and smack each other around! lol!

Clean house after she leaves and light my pumpkin spice candle!
Aww serenity!
Bought Lion King for Micah yesterday.
Watched it this afternoon.
Bawled! lol!

"Know you are emotional when you cry to The Circle of Life when Lion King start!" was my Facebook status of the day!

Mason to bed.
Allison arrives so she can come with my early in the am to the hospital!
Watch Food Matters documentary.
Mixed feelings!
Feel somewhat guilty that i ate so crappy my whole life.
Maybe it caused my cancer.
Could I have prevented it?
Chemo is sooo bad! Should I even do it!?
Should I try IV's of Vitamin C?
Ugh thinking too much!

Nite!

Day 10

Day 10





Wednesday


PET/CT scan was canceled for Friday!


I HATE INSURANCE!!!!!!!!!


So frustrating.


Oh well at least i have insurance right?!





So every Wednesday at 1:00 I have a conference call.


It is with a handful of extraordinary people that have gone through Landmark Forum.


Those classes have honestly made me who I am today.


Helped me let go of all of m past.


Helped me realize that by just realizing who you are being and being who you want to be you have power to completely change your reality.


Is my cup half full or half empty?


Helped me accept people exactly the way they are.


Helped me learn to take action in my life instead of just thinking about change or what I don't have!


I honestly can say I live a life that I love!





So back to the call...


This week I was in charge of leading the call.


I decided we were going to talk about something in the for front of my life right now....


Surrounding yourself with an amazing support system in everything you do!





It was an great conversation.


We talked about reaching out when you need it and not to be ashamed or worry about what others will think.


So much of the time people are willing to help and it makes others feel good to help.


Be there for others when asked or even when not asked and your support system will grow exponentially.


Live everyday with gratitude and love and it will come back to you tenfold!





I left my Mastermind conversation feeling very warm and fuzzy!





Then asked my brother-in-law out on a date.


City Fish Market to visit my hubby!


Fresh Salmon and spinach!


Ceviche.


And of course some La Crema Pinot Nior.

The GM, Jorge, came over and sat with us for a minute.
He told me the him and his wife are starting the no meat no dairy diet with Anthony and i in support of me and the whole fight for breast cancer.
I was BLOWN away!
Tears!
Amazing! =)

Now home sweet home!
xo

Day 9

Day 9

YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anthony's day off!

YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! times 2.

Micah is in Orlando with Lela for the week.
(Love the lil guy but a mental break was needed!)

It's such a great day!

Ant and I ran some errands.
Shopping always makes me happy!
Even if it is at Costco and for groceries!

Then a late lunch/happy hour!
Kyma.
Yummy greek apps.
Very limited due to new diet but hummus, kalamata olives and zucchini was perfect!
The glass of Pinot Grigio was a extra bonus!

Get home and hunny cleans the casa.
And opens 2 more bottles of vino.
Well....I guess we are getting drunk! lol!
Know where his mind is......hehehe
And his technique worked like a charm.

Then sitting on the couch I start to uncontrollably bawl.
Holy emotional.
He's just my everything!!! I love him all the way from the depths of my soul!!
He says, "I know you probably don't wanna hear this right now but the thing I fear is loosing you! I can't loose you!!!"

We pass out snugglebuggin on the couch!
What a perfect day!

xo

Day 8

Day 8

10-3-20011

today was a rough day.
woke up with a huge stress migraine.
shoulders hurt.
brain throbbing.
depressed.
guilt.
guilt.
guilt.
ant has been getting up every night with mason.
mom has been feeding, watching, changing, entertaining the boys.
"mom...i feel soooooooooo guilty." i can barely get it out between sobs.
"no need for guilt. this was probably planned before we were even born. i am her and able and willing to help now. just breathe and accept it."
now..if you don't have the utmost pleasure of knowing my totally kick butt momma, you are truly missing out.
she is my light, my sanity, my mentor, my best friend!
she has taught me right from wrong, left from right.
she has taught me to see light in everything and everyone around us.
she has taught me that i am an amazing person and that i can be and do anything in this world...
including winning this battle over cancer.
we are blessed...more than blessed to be living with her right now...
talk about divine intervention!
the day after i found out i had cancer this is what the card said that she gave me.....


More Than My Daughter

the first time i held you in my arms,
i never wanted to let you go.
i knew that very moment
my heart would forever be intertwined with yours.

it was easy to hold tight when you were a child.
i wanted to protect you from the
threatening menaces of the world around you.
but i knew that i would soon have to loosen my grip.

you'll never know how hard it was
for me to release my grasp
and let you venture off on your own
even though my fingers let go, my heart never did

as you dance with passion and zeal
to the beat of your own heart
you have grown into a magnificent woman
developing strength and resilience, wit and wisdom
you walk confidently
in the direction of your own dreams

you have become so much more than my daughter...
you are a woman i am honored to know
you are my heart, my soul,
my love, my joy.
you are my friend.
-suzy toronto

then she wrote
"Jessica, This will all be alright and we will get through it swiftly. You are so strong and I know that you are creating greatness, health, and abundance for your beautiful life of love! I love you honey! Mom"


talk about a tear jerker! she's too good! =)

i wish i could just pay her to be our nanny so she could quit looking for a new job...especially the ones in canada and the u.k....not that she would take those now anyway!


get a call from memorial.
next 2 appts set up for friday.
8:00 am radiology consult for possible new ultra sound scans and mammogram.
1:00 pm pet/ct scan to check the rest of my body for cancer.

"who's gonna come with me? anthony has to work and moms out of town?"
"everyone has kids and no one will be able to come with me?"

i freak out.
"I DON"T WANNA GO ALONE!"
crying.

allison finally text and said she was coming.
her boss gave her the day off.
thanks boss man.
relief.

gotta get out of this house.
this moping around is even driving me crazy.
snap out of it sister.

before i leave i watch Fork Over Knives (which i highly recommend to everyone!)
food documentary.
get completely motivated to start my plant based diet.
thanks nicole!
read some of my whole foods cookbook and marked a bunch of recipes.

then off we go....Whole Foods!

this is gonna be hard!
I LOVE ME SOME STEAK!!!
i am a meat and tatortot hotdish kinda gal.
i mean...come on....i grew up in minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes and 1,000,000,000 crockpots.
what the hell am i gonna eat?

but i have to do it.
gonna create an environment where cancer just doesn't stand a chance.
anthony even watched the movie and loved it.
he is even gonna diet with me.
didn't see that coming.
i mean "hello" he is a chef?!?!
he really is the most supportive best hubby around!

so here's to no dairy and meat.
yummm.....plants. lol
wish me luck.

so $200 later and a really full cart, we head home.

as soon as we step in the door my friend paula drops off a HUGE box of food made by the mommies of another mommy group i just joined.
they got together a huge goodie box of meals for the week.
sooo amazing. i am in awe.
i don't even know a lot of these woman.
people really are...well. do i dare say my fav word again....AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i eat some salad and veggie bean chili.
it was delish.
super impressed.
so with a full belly and a full heart...

i say good night world.

i love you.

Day 7

Day 7

Sunday Funday
Beautiful Belini Brunch at the Bridge on the water!
Birthday Party!
Then my girls went back to Miami to the grind! =(
Sadness starts to creep slowly into my soul.
I try to watch TV.
Can't do it.
Pick up my Chicken Noodle Soup for the breast cancer survivors soul.
Start reading.
Start bawling.
Put that down.
I think it's all slowly starting to sink in.
I HAVE CANCER!

All I wanna do is curl up and cry.
And damn it that's what I do.

Day 6

Day 6

Saturday.
October 1st.
My favorite month.
I love how the weather changes.
Even in Florida.
I do really really miss Minnesota falls.
Changing of leaves, cooler temps, boots, sweaters, and scarves...
LOVE IT! <3
My 31st birthday is in a week.
Hope we can still go to Chicago in two weeks.
It is supposed to be our first kid less vacation EVER!
Val, Graham, Kristina, Jason, Anthony and I!
Its gonna be a birthday weekend celebration.
One last hurrah before chemo and treatment starts!
Gonna have to play it by ear!

Two besties came today.
I needed it sooo much!
Allison and Madeline I love you!
2 bottles of champagne...
1 bottle of rose...
1 bottle of pinot nior...
1 bottle of chianti...
TOO MUCH FUN!
Sitting by the inter coastal watching the stars and moon, talking about life and who would jump in to catch Madeline if she fell in. LOL!
NOT ME.....jk!

There is really something to be said about being around your loved ones.
To all of my girls...I LOVE YOU!

xo

Day 5! 1st Day with Surgical Oncologist!

Day 5

TGIF
Surgeon day.
Couldn't sleep last night until I cried for awhile and past out on the couch!
Woke up early like a 1st grader on her 1st day of school.
"Is it 11:30 yet?" was all I could think!
Drive to the Doc was good.
Excited.
Stole my moms convertible.
Top down.
Sun shining.
Goin to get a plan.
Need a damn plan.
Going to get a plan.
Going to get a plan.
"Whoa am I really going 90 mph?"
I know the EOS is fast but my nerves are pressin this pedal to the metal.
Speeding ticket would be awful!
Slow your roll Jessica Carmen!

Memorial Regional Hospital.
My heart sank.
Here we go.
BRING IT!
Up we go, my hand tightly in Anthony's.
3rd floor. DING.
Waiting room.
Other cancer patients.
Another couple.
A 96 year old speaking German with her son and daughter in law.
Her son told us she spoke only English until she was diagnosed with cancer, now they all have to learn German! lol! He said "Can I divorce my mom?"
He made me smile!
Another family with a young little girl around 4 years old.
Mother was wearing a hat and had no hair!
Talk about shock.
I finally felt it!

CANCER!

My heart skipped a beat.
We were there at 10:50.
Appointment was at 11:30.
Filled out paperwork.
Then watched the time tick away and them call everyone but us in.
Every time the door would open I wanted to hurl!
"Are they EVER gonna call my name?"
TV was on in the waiting room.
I heard "They shot the terrorist..." and "Michael Jackson's trial..." about a million times.
Grrrr could they have something positive on the TV?
WTF how depressing.....
I kept thinking.....the next headline is gonna be, "Girl looses it in waiting room and chews off her own arm. Experts are stunned!"

1:00 FINALLY!
"Jessica Hoff"
I jump up from my seat!
Anthony was more anxious then I was I think but had to remind him I need him to be strong.
I know that this is gonna be a crazy journey for us both!

1:30 Doc finally comes in.
This is after flashing Anthony to make him smile! Lol!
Hey...they may be gone soon! Shake um if ya got um! =)
Anyway Doc said, "So sorry!"
"I had to meet with the head of medical oncology, Dr. Perez."
"I wanted to review your case with her and see if she would take you on as a patient and she agreed!"
"She one of the top in the field and has patients flying in from around the world to see her. She is going to clear some time to meet with you!"
Then Dr. Neimark went on to explain....ALOT!
Thought tequila made my head spin...nope cancer wins!
HOLY MOLY!

My CaringBridge goes into detail about the medical aspect of my journey.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/jessicahoff
Or CaringBridge.org then search for jessicahoff
Journal entries will be here.
Specific medical updates will be there.

The short version is this...
Getting 2nd opinion.
New lab results this week.
Need PET scan to check whole body for cancer.
And an MRI.
Treatment probably chemo the surgery and reconstructive surgery, then more chemo or radiation.
Have to have a consult with Radiation and then one with Dr. Perez!
Then see where all of that leads me.

Talk about a mental hurricane!

The rest of the day was a blur.
More phone calls, updates, concerned people.
Can even begin to explain my brain spaghetti just slopping around in my head!
I can't even spell my first name!
So..
Here I go again...
Tylenol PM...
Hopefully sleep.
Nite!

Day 4

Day 4

What a day!
It was actually a very powerful day!!!
Woke up and felt wasted. Sooo tired!
Groggy as heck!
Mason is having sleeping issues and the only thing that makes him content is your truly!
Last night...2:30am....WWWAAAAHHHHHH!
Lord...Really?
"Ugh"...as I hit Anthony.
"Aren't you gonna get him?"
He gets up.
Tries a bottle. WWAHHH
Changes diaper. WWWAAAAHHHH
What the H is going on?
WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
I get up.
Hold him.
Crying stops.
Put him in his crib. WAAAAAAAHHHHH
Pick him up and rock him.
Crying stops.
Lil man just wanted to lay on my chest.
Snugglebug!
He needed it.
And he knew I needed it.
Ugh I love him!
I held him until 4:30 am.
He was deep asleep.
So that's why I am a walking zombie holding a coffee cup.
Then Nikki calls.
"Come to the beach."
"Nah, nit in the mood."
"Come to the beach!"
"FIIINNNNEEEE!"
Sooo glad I went.
Boys burnt some steam and had a blast!
I got some sun and fresh air and much needed girl talk and time.

Came home.
Checked Facebook, CaringBridge, and Blog!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNBELIEVABLE!
I AM OVERWHELMED!!!!!!!!!!! (Keep using that word but nothin can compete in the thesaurus!)
This is mind blowing and crazy, this is beautiful, this is powerful, this is..........
PURE
LOVE
&
KICK ASS HUMANITY!!!!!

I cry.
I laugh.
I have butterflies and goosebumps from memories!
My family and friends know how to make me feel like a GODDESS! =)
They are more than I could ever ask for and don't deserve such praise and recognition!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

I can't believe two days ago I was complaining about how much my phone was blowin up.
That was Crazy Lady Jessica for a second.
We may see her around once and awhile.
Maybe I should give her a name so I can tell her to behave herself when she acts up and give her a time-out.
Let me ponder that....

I LOVE MY LIFE!
I LOVE MY SUPPORT SYSTEM!
Damn I am loved and I can feel it!
So stoked for myself! lol!

After ignoring my kids for 20 minutes too long, I get off the computer.
Micah just drop kicked Mason in the face.
Time out #678 for this 3 year old today!

2:00pm
Have another healing session with Ms. Amazing herself.
Bobbilicious!
Ms. B.
This time I laid in my bed.
Meditation.
Closed my eyes.
Holy shizza what's that?
My cancer felt like it was burning. It REALLY hurts!
Pain came and went for 10 minutes. Not even kidding!
Then nothing.
I called her back.
Told her I felt it.
Something.
Sweet Jesus that was crazy!

Then two exercises.

1-Forgiveness
"You cannot heal completely with out letting negative energy and resentments and thoughts go. Forgive others as well as yourself."
She walked me through the exercise and I felt it melt away.
I felt lighter.
I felt myself letting go.

2- Gratitude
I opened my eyes and looked around....i could see!
I put my foot on the ground and took a step...i could walk!
I felt love and support.
I have a family that loves me.
I have friends that lift me.
I have two boys who adore me.
I feel.
I have emotions.
I am married to my soulmate.
I know how to dance...even though my hubby told me last week I dance better when I'm drunk!
I can sing and dang it I do it pretty well.
I AM ALIVE, WHOLE AND PERFECT just the way I am!
I had tears staining my face!

Ms. B asked if I got anything from the exercises.
I could barley speak and yes was all I could utter.

Hung up and felt as high as a Dave Mathews concert goer after a couple of those "magic" brownies....not that I would know much about that.

Hey isn't there medicinal marijuana legal for cancer patients?! HMMM Side note there!

The power of thought and positivity.
The law of attraction.

Then mall, and sushi with all 3 of my boys!
My little Asian Micah Man is getting pretty good with those chopsticks! =)

8:30pm
Ant put kiddos to bed. Thanks baby daddy!
Another healing sesh with the Ms. B.

This time felt nothing.
Mind won't shut up cuz tomorrow we meet with the surgeon! Eeekkk!
After 17 min of meditation I call her.
She felt it this time.
Her hands her red and in pain from all of the energy!
What can I say I need a lot of energy to keep up with me! ;)

I told her how grateful I was for her taking the time to do this and that is is transforming my life as well as those around me.
My Grandma Pat called today and after our quick convo she said she called to lift me up but in turn I had lifted her.
I had told her about how the exercises had gone earlier with Ms. B.

Funny how inspiration and love is easily passed on!

Well here I am.
Once again late and not tired...AT ALL!
Trouble with that is I may just need to suck down some more Tylenol PM!
Or another bottle of wine! lol!

So....

Cheers to you,
Cheers to me,
And have a smile,
Thanks to Ms. B!


Love PEACE & chicken grease!

xo
Night!

Day 3

Day 3

What day is it?
Where am I?
What's going on?
My brain won't shut up!
Anxiety.
Slight panic.
Maybe this really isn't real!
Can you get false-positives from biopsies?
I can't be alone.
Who can I hang out with?
Yesterday I went to Lainy's then left and went straight to Nikki's.
Today I went to Meghan's then straight to Jenise's.
Kids can play and I don't have to entertain them.
I don't have the energy or mental capacity to do that today!
So many opinions, books to read, websites to look at, survivors to talk to........
It's ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OVERWHELMED!

Only cried twice today though.
It's always when I think and talk about Micah and Mason and how this will and could affect them.
I am putting those thoughts away.
In then right out!
It's normal to have fear but at the same time why because I know this is gonna be just fine!!!!

I have a great friend whose mother is a healer and channels energy.
I had a session with her tonight.
She channeled energy while I sat and meditated.

First I had a million things go through my head.
Dragons, squares, eyeballs, lights... the usual. lol!
Then I felt it.
My chest got heavy.
I felt pressure in my shoulders.
It was hard to breathe kind of like I just snowboarded down a black diamond in Colorado.
CRAZY.
I went with it and just continued to meditate.
Allowing positive energy to enter my thoughts and body.
Peace, love, happiness filled my being.
Afterward we talked for awhile.
"Push fear away. Let it enter then make it leave."
"Tell yourself, 'I am of perfect health and am grateful for that blessing.'"
She said be healthy. Act and think healthy.

We will have more sessions.
It was great.

K
Brain hurts.
Is it Friday yet?
Set up CaringBridge and updated Blog.
I FEEL THE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Day 2

Day 2

Tuesday.
Known 24 hours that my body is infested.
I don't wanna write.
I don't wanna talk anymore.
I don't wanna text anymore.
I don't wanna check my email anymore.
I know I need to eat better...exercise more...stop drinking...be positive...smile...
But I NEED THIS TO SINK IN 1ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am surrounded by love and support and there are already 6 prayer chains....that I know of...but today was rough.
I am allowed to feel this way right?
I write and the pen and paper seem like my only confidants right now.
I am sick of telling a million people whats wrong.
I should feel happy about this right now but this cancer is more than a full time job!
I didn't sign up for this!
I still don't think I have cancer.
It's just a word some Dr. said.
It's NOT REAL!
I feel detached from reality.
This is who I felt when my parents got divorced when I was 15.
Someone elses reality.
"Hi there crazy lady. How you feeling today?"
"Well not quite sure? How bout you?"
Oh maybe that multiple personalities! lol
Anyway...
Sorry for the tangent....
I'm back!
Hi!

My boob hurts!

How do I keep patience with the kiddos?
I spanked Micah on the tush today.
I just let Mason cry in his crib for awhile today.
I needed a time-out!
I feel like a bad mom!

Got some cards and flowers today!
Maybe it is sinking in a little!?

K

Ant's home!

Gonna vent to him a bit!

Night!

Diagnosis!

Day 1

September 26th 2001.
Happy 9 Month Birthday Mason!
Monday.
A day of celebration.
A day of shock.
A day I will always remember.
Slept in.
Cleaned house.
Made homemade turkey soup.
Raining.
4:35 pm my phone rang.
It was Dr. Hines the radiologist that did my mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy 3 days prior.
"Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
"Sure what's up?"
"Well the biopsy results came back positive. You have cancer in the tissue in your right breast."
"No way?!?! REALLY? Are you kidding?"
"No I am not. It came back positive."
"Um.....OK?!?!?!" Shocked not knowing what the hell just hit me.
"You will need to see a surgical oncologist. The lump is a size able mass. Surgery and chemo we be needed."
"What.....me? Really? I am only 30 years old."
"I was shocked when I saw your results. I am sorry."
The rest kind of vanished into a mush of thoughts and feelings.
My Dr. gave me a referral to a surgeon and asked if I wanted her to set up the appointment.
I said yes.
She set it up and called me back, Wednesday.
Dr. Hines then told me to bring Anthony in the morning so we can sit down and talk.
She asked if I had any questions.
"Should I stop breastfeeding?" Was all I could come up with.
My mom was feeding Mason a bottle and saw me crying.
She came in and asked, "What's up?"
"Mom....I have breast cancer."
We cried together.
Even Mason cried with us. He gets upsets when others are upset.
Micah was oblivious.
I called Anthony at work on his cell first.
Ring, ring....voicemail.
Ring, ring,...voicemail.
Then...
"City Fish Market, this is Sherry."
"Hi Sherry I need to talk to Anthony!" My voice was shaking and I was fighting back tears!
When I was on hold the Dr called again. She just confirmed with the surgeon the time of the appointment on Wed. It is for 10:15 am.
Then Anthony called me back.
"Babe, I have breast cancer!"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Nope. Results came back. Just got off the phone with the Dr."
"I'm coming home."
Click.
I love my husband! He is gonna be my sanity, my rock through all of this!
He balances me out and calms me when I need it!
Then the phone calls had to start.
People had to know, start praying, and lifting my tata up in their thoughts! lol!
Dad was hard...he took it the hardest with Deb his sister passing away last year from cancer it brought up very raw emotions.
My brother.
All of my grandparents.
Kim and the Jordahls. I knew Shelby would be very sad! =(
All of my close friends....
Val
Brandis
Madeline
Jena
Allison
Nikki
The list went on and on.....
Where to stop? I asked some people to call others.
I was emotionally drained!!!!!!
Everyone said the same exact thing...."I don't know what to say!"
But what could they say. All they can do is send me positive vibes, prayers and lift me up!
I DON"T EVEN KNOW what to think or how to act!
I breastfed Mason one last time last tonight.
That was soo hard. The crazy what-if's started....
What if Mason and Micah won't know their mom.
I want them to know me....to really know me.
I want them to grow up with a momma.
I want to see them grow, play sports, graduate, get married, have kids....
I need them to be happy!!!!
I cried!
My body was shaking! Holy shit I have CANCER?!?!
REALLY?!?!?!?! no.........REALLY!!!!!!!!

Just doesn't seem real.
Maybe it's a mistake.
Maybe it's a lab mix up.
I am only 30!
I eat whole wheat bread and drink almond milk.
I am training for my first half-marathon.
I have a 3 year old.
I have an 9 month old.
I have an AMAZING family and husband!
I don't smoke.
I don't drink...well much. =)

So I need to stay positive.
It is just something happening right now.
I need to heal....and I WILL DANGIT!
I will learn the lesson that needs to be learned and move on and help others!
Cancer is not a noun. It is a verb. It came and now is going. It will not have power over me!

The way I found this cancer was because I thought I had a clogged milk duct from breastfeeding.
I went to the Dr 3 times because it was soooo painful. The first visit they did what they call a HALO test to test cancer predictors and that came back normal. 4 months after the first visit they decide I better get a biopsy. That's when I went to the radiologist.
Got a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy that day! The Dr thought it was a clogged milk duct too because when they removed the needle from the biopsy it leaked a tons of fluid.
So I felt relieved until 3 days later when I got the call.
I guess I am just lucky that this lump was painful and that I followed my instincts and kept going in time and time again!

What I know...
It's infiltrating ductal carcinoma.
I don't know my stage yet for I do not know how far it has spread in my body or if it's in my lymph nodes. Need more testing for this.
It is Grade III which tells how aggressive the cancer is. That is III out of III so its VERY aggressive.
It has a 90% growth rate which the Dr. told me was also very high.
My cancer has no hormones and no her2nu which will limit treatment options.
Chemo, radiation, and surgery I think will be the best for me.
I meet with the Surgeon Friday and will know more info!

I will keep posting updates.

I thank those who are praying and for ALL of the amazing support.

I AM TRULY BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Crack Myself Up!

WE ARE ONE GOOD LOOKIN FAM!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!

So today I was playing with my favorite toy...my iphone! My hubby showed me this new application that pretty much made me wet myself from laughing so hard! It takes pictures with effects. It made me realize that I need to make myself laugh like this everyday. So I am on a mission to find something this funny everyday! Not sure I will be able to cuz this was REALLY REALLY hilarious, but at least I will entertain myself trying!

When it comes to crying and laughing my mom, my aunt and I have this wierd sense of humor were if we are laughing together at something we usually can't stop and BAWL. It's so funny we do this that it makes us laugh even harder. And we pretty much think we are the funniest ppl in the world! This is how I felt today...that I WAS the most funny person I had ever met! lol!

A good laugh is good for the soul and I challange you to laugh until you cry! It feels soooo good! =)

Quote of the Post- "Laughter is an instant vacation!" - Milton Berle